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It's official. The season premiere of 24 will not be in January, unless the current writer's strike is ended quickly. They only have eight episodes in the can, and they are committed to airing the season uninterrupted.

I'm not leaving here until they give these writers what they deserve. Forget it! I'm stayin' right where I am. It's gonna take you and the police department and the fire department and the National Guard to get me outta here! Union! Union! Union!

Edited by GeekBoy to add:

Because dude, A WRITER WROTE THAT! Love that movie.

Is it January yet?

I think I enjoy the "24" teasers they put out almost as much as the show. WARNING: Ye might be spoiled ahead. Argh! Yeah, not sure why I did that in PIRATE.

Carlos Bernard appears on the cast list for next season. Day 7: Resurrection? I KNEW there was special power in that soul patch. In other news, CTU is dismantled. Jack goes EST (i.e. Washington, DC). Chloe stays. Bill stays. Cherry Jones is President, Colm Feore, the first gentleman. And Janeane Garafolo is on board. A trailer for Day 7 will be viewable next Thursday at www.24trailer.com.

I love you 24, and I like to cuddle as much as the next gay, but wasn't our climax something like six hours ago? Longest. Denouement. Ever. Tell me I'm wrong.

You really expect me to care that much about Josh?

And why are the Russians attacking our base again? As far as I can tell, one of THEIR generals smuggled suitcase nukes into our country, saw that one of them was detonated, killing thousands and exposing tens of thousands more to lethal radiation and turning a goodly-sized California city into a radioactive wasteland, and then the Chinese come in and steal a component that compromises Russian security, which logically leads you to attack US? Is this another one of those "hate us for our freedom" things that I don't ever understand?

As I said, I do love 24, and I hate to piss and moan, but this season was a chore.

What did happen in the last two hours?

Jack and Bill saved Josh.
Phil got off easy with a fiery, explode-y death by F-15.
Karen and Bill got to ride off into the sunset with their fat government pensions.
Chloe got knocked up (uggghhh), and she and Morris reunited over Fetus O'Brien.
Jack parted ways with an unconscious Audrey and ambiguously stared down a cliff into the ocean.

Was anyone else praying silently that Audrey would not wake up? And then out loud after Jack kissed her on her third eye? "Please no, please no, please no!" Thank goodness for small favors.

Hey, 24, I woulda left six hours ago, but now you're gonna have to take me to breakfast.

There was some serious kicking of ass in the first twenty minutes, wasn't there? Some of the Chinese were off to deliver the package/Josh, and Jack knew his window of opportunity to save him was closing fast. Luckily Nadia and Morris both had some guilt boiling over so they were more than ready for some score-settling. Head Chinese guy suffered the ignominy of being strangled with his own dog tags (you think they were real military tags or just decorative like I/so many of the gays wear?). For good measure, Jack also seagals the Milo-killing shmuck. He and Mike then head out to find Josh.

Before we go on, does anyone here know Ahmet Adoodi? I said Ahmet Adoodi! Jack Bauer on The Simpsons this weekend, kids!

So what's Phil want with Josh anyway? He's still all obsessed with his precious LEGACY and he's taking Josh to China with him because China is the future, y'all. Josh is thinking more along the lines of a trustafarian future where he follows the VANS Warped Tour all summer, so he kicks Cheng in the head when he gets the chance, and escapes.

Cut to Lisa's love nest where we get the tail end of heavy breathing and body slapping. "And finally we're done", sayeth Tom Lennox. Snerk. Then we wait to see if Double-O 8.5 Cut takes the bait. Nope. Somehow, he smells something fishy and calls Lisa out. Things go bad FAST. Back at the White House, the VP has an eleventh hour (22nd hour?) redemption and realizes his little Pennsylvania Avenue pattycake could bring this country to war.

Cheng confesses to Phil that they lost Josh. Phil says, "Then I'm taking my FB subcircuit board and playing somewhere else." Cheng sasses, "Who wants your stupid ol' circuit board anyway! Oh wait, I do." They trade more threats.

Back at CTU, Bill Kram, card-carrying Class A1 Douchebag, shows up and starts sniffing around about the security breach and gets all up in Nadia's grille. Those division guys suck big whang, don't they?

The whole elaborate ruse to make Suvarov think that the circuit board has been destroyed was a waste of time (well, except that we got another shot of Snacky Spy's nipples). Suvarov knows of the canard and throws down the gauntlet. "You have TWO HOURS!" he threatens via the CISCO networked conference call (file that under Product Placement, Not So Subtle). And to think we're about to go to war over a piece of circuitry. Are those made of oil?

Finally, Phil reveals his endgame to the VP. The circuit board for Josh, straight-up. VP bites. Remember last season when Jack told Audrey he'd be right back? We all know how that turned out. He says the same to Josh, just before Mike absconds with the boy onto a waiting helicopter. With all the noise and the helicopter glass, it was kinda hard to make out what Josh was hollering as they took off. Anyone read lips? ;-)

Next week-- Two hour Season Finale. Wait. How long did Suvarov give them to recover the circuit board again?

There was lots of relationship discussion, someone took one for the team, and CTU's security was breached. It was just like old times again, and I gotta say, it was a comfort. I loved it when Milo and Nadia stopped, mid-international crisis, to discuss their feelings for each other. As did Morris and Chloe. That's what these people DO. And even though the season's death toll has been high (14,000 in that nuclear explosion?), CTU has been relatively unscathed, at least when you are talking major players. Until now. Did it have to be Milo, though? He's been looking kind of awesome (in certain lighting situations, anyway). And this show hasn't been this exciting since the last time CTU security was breached, right? That nerve gas attack last season that took out Edgar Styles has to be the high water mark for this series, I think.

So, just as EVERY CTU agent is checking out that Bloomfield place, the Chinese are planning a major assault on CTU. They are after "the package". Conveniently, Jack is in custody at the home base. Lots of skirmishing leaves Milo dead and "the package" (aka Josh Bauer) in the hands of the Chinese. Why do they want him so bad? Because Phil does. He's back! He's trading the repaired circuit board for his grandson. But why?

The other story line has Lisa banging her hot spy, but that seems kind of beside the point now, doesn't it?

I'm betting that Morris is gonna get the chance to redeem himself next week. He'll get to be the hero, but will he die in the process? Whaddya think?

Hey, Chinese guy, you should totally call the Geek Squad. Or get one of those Easy Buttons. No? Actually, they need a rare specialist to fix their corrupted SB circuit board (hmmm, I smell Morris), which conveniently buys us some time. And don't we need it with the Russians breathing down our necks? I loved that Suvarov HUNG UP on the Vice President, although when you're video conferencing and there's no actual phone to slam down, it's less dramatic. But still...snippy!

Do you find Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Audrey as hilarious as I do? I hope they come out with an 8" action figure of her, complete with 100 injection sites on her arms, legs and groin. I know it's wrong to laugh, but geez, she's not covered with melty burn scars like Jack is and he's doing OK. Sack up, lady.

So I was wrong about Lisa being a spy. It's her pec-tastic boyfriend who's the spy. But is it really TREASON that she's sleeping with a hottie lobbyist, Mr Acting President? The only thing Lisa's guilty of is loving the wrong men and haven't we all been there?

Chloe and Morris - DONE. I know she's terribly upset, but hello? Milo is waiting in the wings, gf.

Jack and Audrey - DONE. At least according to Former Sec'y Heller, who tells Jack he's CURSED. Snap! Hard to argue, though, when I'm pretty sure Jack's Indian name is They Shall Know Him By The Trail Of Dead. PS? I think Bill Devane's jowls should have their own acting credit, because they are a character unto themselves and endlessly fascinating to me.

Audrey Raines - Jack just wants to save you, and he goes rogue trying. He's got an ingenious plan, natch, but it gets foiled and that circuit board ends up with the Chinese. Oh, and Audrey? You crazy.

Lisa - I don't know what last name you're using, but I'm betting right now that your real one ends in "ova". You've got your hands down the VP/Acting P's pants, but your heart lies in Moscow. Don't even front.

Chloe O'Brian - We've always known your tongue was acid, darlin', but damn. Dayum.

Karen Hayes - A sister's gotta do what she's gotta do. If that means throwing your husband to the wolves, well....

Nadia Yassir - Never mind that you're mere hours from being interrogated as a suspected terrorist yourself, the good folks at L.A.'s Counter Terrorist Unit are now answering to you. Sack up.

Martha Logan - You weren't in this episode, but your crazy hair and big rack are never far from my thoughts, treasure.

Have I left anyone out?

I don't know about you, but I was pleasantly surprised by how they knitted the Chinese into the tail end of this season. Last week it felt kind of tacked on. This week it almost feels like they'd planned it all along. Audrey is the bargaining chip. If Jack will steal the FB-sub circuit board containing data that will allow the Chinese access to all of Russia's defense algorithms (yet ANOTHER potential trigger for WW3 this season), Audrey lives. Seems fair. To do this, Jack will need schematics, and you know what that means. Chloe! She hacks Morris' station to get the 411, and some office/sexual politics ensue. Those two can't wait another six hours. They need to do it already.

Meanwhile, the Executive Branch has surfaced, just in time for Wayne to stroke out at a press conference. Narm! Nefarious VP pockets his forced resignation letter tootsweet, and promptly puts the kibosh on Jack's deal with Wayne.

I'm interested again. I should have trusted those cats at 24 to pull me back in. Vous?

I was wondering how they were going to stretch this out for eight or nine more hours and now we know. They're not! Nuclear disaster? Averted. Now we can get to some real drama, namely, Audrey held captive by the Chinese. Except, well....yawn. Or am I totally forgetting that we actually love her and care about her plight? Personally, I was thinking Jack and Marilyn were much hotter.

Speaking of Marilyn (and her kid and Jack's dad and the Logans), are they all done for the day?

9:00 to 9:15- Wayne requests a shot of epi, as do I. He gets his. Gredenko requests immunity and gets it, but it's not worth the paper it's printed on thanks to that 25th amendment challenge to the Presidency. Debate occurs over Wayne's faculties. They don't seem particularly impressive, but as we all (now) know, that's not a requirement of the Presidency. He only need have control of them, such as they are.

9:15 to 9:30- Man, that kiss must have been AWESOME because Nadia is now over Milo thinking she was a terrorist. Doyle calls her up. That leak he blamed on Nadia? Now he's blaming it on Milo and he wants her to check it out. The cabinet splits the vote, apparently leaving Wayne in office, so the VP goes backdoor and says Karen hasn't been re-instated as NSA chief, so her vote is invalid. They convene the Supreme Court to decide.

9:30 to 9:45- Nadia checked Milo's station and finds he forgot to refresh security parameters, allowing the leak. She thinks ol' Mike is gonna bust Milo. Like, just because he assaulted her, he's a bad guy now? He covers Milo's ass AND quotes the Koran. Slick, that one. Fayed and Gredenko are reunited (and it feels so good) after Gredenko gets his (phony) immunity. All sides submit briefs to the Supreme Court. The VP lets Lisa take her nose out of his ass long enough to perjure herself in hers. Only (only!) Tom Lennox has it all on tape!

9:45 to 10:00- Coup? You been snuffed. At the Fayenko rendezvous, CTU agent Ryan injects Gredenko with a radioactive tracking isotope which enters the bone and has a half-life of 11 hours. Sweet! But Gredenko is all about the double-cross and he's don't play around. Bitch chopped his own damn arm off. Only as they escape, Gredenko crosses again and gives Fayed up to the angry bar mob. Fayed: captured. Gredenko: loose/drowned? Wayne: needs more epi. He gets it, and dude, it's a rush. So he launches a nuke.

I have a few questions. Anyone know where Jack's dad went? His sister-in-law and nephew? President Logan and Martha? Anyone care? Anyone a little bored?

An hour without Chloe is like an hour without pissy-faced snark.

I'm on holiday next week, so I'm not sure when I'll post up about the next hour. Should I put up a thread anyway to open the discussion? Heh. ::wink:: Discussion.

The search for Fayenko continues. Boy, they're a slippery lot, aren't they? Who woulda guessed it would take Brian Krakow's help for CTU to finally get the pinch on those two? And I am so praying that Brady gets a job at CTU after all this is over. Odds are Morris is gonna die, right? Brady can take his spot.

Nadia is without guilt, but not without grudge. So that kiss with Milo, hot or not? Doyle's old friend (foe?) Johnson tries to set him up for a fall, but it looks like Agent Mike rides the white horse.

The Vice President doesn't let silly facts stand in the way of pursuing military strikes on foreign lands. C'mon. Are we supposed to believe that kind of thing really happens? And this is nuclear. Or if you're Jack Bauer, nucular. I listened to it four times and he totally uses the W pronunciation. But thanks to swift action from Sandra and Karen, Wayne is revived in time to prevent WW3. VP still may have a few tricks up his smelly old shirt sleeve.

First Brian Krakow, and then you saw Angela Chase in that GAP commercial, right? Maybe next week we can get some Rayanne Graff or that slut Sharon Cherski. Some Catalano? I'd settle for more Martha. Where'd you go, girl?

And do it Chloe-stizz, will ya, big guy? Besides accessing databases and setting up sockets like a champeen, Chloe is also CTU's In House Breathalyzer, people.

Previews hinted that Jack would receive devastating news and sho 'nuff, he finds out Audrey was killed in her relentless pursuit to free him from Chinese prison. Girlfriend even used back channels, and take it from someone who knows, that ain't always a picnic. When he finds out the depth of her love and sacrifice, it firms Jack's resolve. Be honest, who else stifled a yawn at the news of her demise?

When Fayenko learn that the location of their desert hideaway has been compromised, they hastily launch the one armed and operational death drone and then scatter. Meanwhile, back at CTU they make their best efforts to track and divert the drone, but there's a leak blocking their satellite tracking and all fingers point to she of Muslim heritage and the object of Milo's affection, Nadia. PS She's got a bangin' ass, no? Anyway, Mike Doyle tries to choke the intel out of her. Nadia says she's heard he's into that sort of thing.

They find the location of the drone pilot, conveniently just a few blocks from CTU, and shoot the place up. Jack takes control of the drone joystick and crash lands the thing. Could that have been more like a cool video game? How long before drones have Wii-like controllers? There is no detonation, but bad news for the first responders, radioactive material is released. This is enough for the uber-hawk VP to order a retaliatory attack on the Middle Eastern Country Which Shall Not Be Named.

Next week: They wake Wayne, which may be bad for him, but good for Regina King who hasn't had a thing to do for most of the day.

Jack is at the Russian Embassy. Logan is at CTU. Chloe/Just Chloe? She's feeling ambivalent. Enter Mike Doyle, fresh from Fort Bragg. He's the new head of Field Ops. The welcome is cold (from Milo) and abrupt, as he's quickly tasked to prepare a comprehensive siege profile of the Russian Embassy and have it on Bill's desk ASAP. It's an act of war, but they have no other choice. Or do they? Logan says that his sexy ex-y Martha has been tight with the First Lady of Russia, Anya Suvarov, ever since that Girls Only weekend they shared a few years back, and that may be just the diplomatic channel they need to get to Markov. And...the stage is set.

Cut to my boy Aaron Pierce delivering magazines to Martha's bungalow at the Cultural Elite Bitches Institution. Oh, and he brought produce from Mel's! Such a doll, what's she to do but naughtily feed him a raspberry? That's our signal that these two are goin' at it with a vengeance. Charles calls and Aaron answers, "Martha Logan's bungalow!" Ummm, awkward. Charles lays out the scenario, but ends up having to chopper over to try to get Martha's cooperation. They do the verbal sparring, and then she kiwis him. I'm thinking "Oh no she din't!" but that wasn't the half of it. After Aaron scolds her, she promises to be a good girl. In Martha's crazy head, apparently that means stabbing the shamed ex-President with a paring knife. Logan is rushed off and Martha pulls herself together enough to call Anya Suvarov.

Meanwhile, the Russian Consulate is a madhouse, or, I guess, even more of a madhouse than Martha's bungalow. Jack gets a SAT-com phone, but before he can call out, a crew of embassy drones bust in with guns blazing. Then an even bigger crew of Mike Doyle's CTU crew bust in with even bigger guns blazing. They got the assault go ahead from Suvarov after Markov went renegade. Jack gives Fayed and Gredenko's (Fayenko's?) location to CTU, but not before Markov calls Fayenko, telling them to arm the drones NOW.

Back at the Bunker White House, the VP, who seems like a guy who played RISK obsessively as a kid (and probably still does), convinces Tom Lennox to lie to the ambassador from The Middle Eastern Country Which Shall Not Be Named. He wants him to say Assad was responsible for the bomb that almost killed Wayne. Lennox does it, then the VP says that unless the ambassador and his unnamed country stop another nuke from going off on US soil, he'll have no choice but to unleash the full power of the US military on their unnamed asses.

Next week: Charles crashes. Drones launch. Threats are leveled. More Martha, please.

Didn't you love it when Logan waxed poetic about his confinement on a sprawling California ranch, likening it to Jack's incarceration in a Chinese prison? Yeah, Charles, SAME-SAME. They need to get information on Gredenko's whereabouts from Vice Consul Markov. Where the ex-Pres fails, Jack succeeds. To a point. Chloe gets him access by logging into the DWP server and cutting power to the embassy for 60 seconds, all the while making it look like a grid failure and leaving the others at CTU none the wiser. Then it's just a little brinksmanship (it's 24 so by "little" I mean "cigar cutter"), and voile, Gredenko's location in the Shadow Valley area of the Mojave Desert is revealed. Only Jack is promptly captured before he can get the info to CTU. He manages to convince an embassy flunky to call Buchanan, but some Putin-looking mofo shoots the guy before he gets the word out.

Meanwhile, VP Daniels takes over at the Bunker White House as Wayne is alive, but incapacitated. Daniels is salivating to implement the Lennox Protocol, and he'll lie, inveigle and obfuscate (that's called W-style at my house) to get what he wants. Tom Lennox is torn because he thinks his plan is what's best for the country, but he doesn't like the path he'll need to tread to get there.

Oh, and y'all knew Jack speaks flawless Russian, right?

Next week looks GOO-OOD. We get Ricky Schroder as a CTU agent, apparently. Jack's new sidekick? Tony Almeida and Curtis Manning were there before you, buddy. Those are some big shoes to fill. Some big, hot shoes. Oooh, and what we've all been waiting for (or me at least) finally occurs. Martha's back! And she's fussin' and throwin' shit at Charles.

The terrorists have three nukes left and they can be ready to launch sometime just after dinner. BTW, can we assume that's Pacific time? So it's actually 7:00 PM now for the boys in the underground White House?

Jack is on Gredenko's trail, but to sniff him out he needs that dirty dog, Charles Logan. Boy, did ol' smilin' Chuck broker a sweet deal for himself or what? House arrest on a sprawling ranch in Hidden Valley means he had way better lawyers than Martha Stewart. By the way, our former President has found religion. His little poetic mantra was biblical, mofos. Psalms. What's he got up his sleeve? Anyway, he suggests they get the info to find Gredenko through back channels. And by back channels, he means himself. I always thought he had a vibe. They are off to discuss things with Consul General Markov.

The plot to kill the President continues. ::stifles a yawn:: Been there, done that, no? Me, I don't care about Wayne enough for this to get me to the edge of my faux Le Corbusier seat. As it turns out, the bomb is leakier than, well, whoever the dude was who Scooter Libby is covering up for and who could that be but Cheney directly or indirectly, which leaves President Wayne down, but not out. So will the VP take the reins?

OK, maybe I'm in a mood, but I know I'm also supposed to really care about Morris and his struggle with guilt and alcohol, only, not so much. He almost gets removed from duty, then doesn't. I don't know about you, but if someone in my office specifies the wrong slot assignment on their SAP adaptor, that's the end of the road for them.

PS The terrorists plan to deliver the nukes with military drones produced by the good ol' US of A.

Jack finds Marilyn and Milo and then finds out the truth about his dad. He and Marilyn, with the help of a hostile, find Phil and Josh. A deal is struck, Jack for Josh, but when Jack confesses that he had to go his own way, that he never felt good enough for his dad, Phil can't pull the trigger. Instead, he leaves a phone behind with a contact number. Charles Logan's contact number! I glimpsed the paneling of that wicked midcentury modern hideaway from last season. Treason ain't such a bad gig, apparently. Wherefore art thou Martha? On top of Aaron Pierce, you think?

Tom Lennox gets cold feet about his part in the assassination plot, but it's out of his hands (feet?). Reed Pollack is a bad mutha.

Q: If you spit out 3/4 of a bottle of single malt and then swallow a handful of Altoids, are you still on the wagon?
A: TBD, Morris.

Jack: You know how to use this?
Marilyn: No.
Jack: Point and shoot.

Can we hope that these two crazy kids end up together and Josh is their kid? Jack's got Phil for a dad, Graem for a sib, Kim for a daughter, and his wife is dead. Rena Sofer is the least he deserves.

The guilt persists into the second hour, along with the ramifications. For Jack, that means he may be held responsible for Graem's death, and he's ready to take his medicine. "I told you I didn't think I could handle this", he reiterates to Bill. And for Morris, that means he's still feeling awful bad that he may yet be responsible for tens of thousands of deaths along with large tracts of the US becoming permanent nuclear wastelands. But go easy on yourself, big guy. It hasn't happened yet. Things may yet end up ticketyboo. Eventually. We have 15 more hours by my count. Chloe tries to slap this sentiment into his head, but no dice.

Action in the second hour centered on ex-Soviet general Gredenko. The CTU crew want to find him and Phil Bauer wants to kill him first. He's the weak link that can bring down Phil's beloved company. And if it's possible, Phil gets even more dark-sided. Marilyn thinks she may know the location of Gredenko's lair, so Phil needs a bargaining chip. Chip, thy name is Josh. The tac team is on the way when Phil calls Marilyn and lays this line on her:

If you don't do this for me, Josh dies. Do the right thing, Marilyn. I already lost a son today. Don't make me lose a grandson.

He's not evil, he's just drawn that way. They leave him no choice! Chaos ensues at the fake house as Phil's men try to take out the entire CTU team (actually just Jack). He survives, natch, as do Marilyn and Milo.

We also find out that the mysterious unnamed cabal will be making an attempt on Wayne's life as Hasad is giving his on-air plea to his terrorist buds. Tom Lennox is down, and the VP, wittingly or not, is "sympathetic" to their cause (aka The Cure).

This was like holidays with the Jewish relatives, wasn't it? Or the Catholic ones, I suppose. So much guilt! Graem is dead, and Jack believes it's his fault. Phil does nothing to dissuade him of this notion. There are still three suitcase nukes out there, and they're ready to be armed and activated, thanks to Morris, and boy, doesn't he feel bad about that? Can you blame him for caving, though? Heartrate monitors and IV drips? Fayed don't play that. The tools of his trade are Louisville Sluggers (I would have folded right there), tubs full of water, and Makita power tools. Whether in home decor, or human torture, the zeitgeist is simplify, simplify, simplify! So, guilt and more guilt, but a few things happened in between those bookends.

In the Bunker White House, machinations continue as we find out there is (yes! finally!) yet another mysterious unnamed cabal to be reckoned with this season. And Tom's flunky, Reed, is right up in that bizness. Reed sees to it that Tom doesn't indignantly resign over the President tossing his initiatives aside. Reed's posse needs direct access to the President. Whatever for? It's all TRES mysterious, and Reed is a master of the (not so very) obtuse:

The climate could change.
A change in leadership is imperative to ensure this nation's security.
I'm not talking about holding hearings. Something more immediate.
I'm not intimating anything. I'm simply musing.

My ass. That's spelling it out, darlin'. So, another President Palmer in the crosshairs.
You can practically see the red laser sight on Wayne's head as he negotiates with Hasad about making a television statement. Hasad will reach out to his extremist homeys for help in finding the remaining suitcase nukes.
Oh yeah, speaking of those, I almost forgot, another one nearly detonated. But for a latebreaking update from wherever those updated schematics come from (Did I say DIPswitch 3 and 4? Oh, my bad, I meant 4 and 5! Boy, is my face red), it would have.

Sorry I'm late, but the roads are terrible! Anyway, tick-tock, the 24 clock stops for no man. All episode long, I was thinking they were doing the classic prodigal son storyline. Vous? Oh, how I love it when they play me like that. It sure looked like it as Team Bauer surrounded Chez Bauer, with the friendly neighborhood interrogation specialist, Agent Burke, in tow. Just me or is he way hotter this season? They bust in and brinksmanship ensues. Jack, looking tortured as he tortures (while Phil looks on remotely), gets Graem to confess that he was behind ALL of last season's shenanigans. But that was just a clever ruse on Graem's part, so that Jack thinks he's come clean. Turns out Team Bauer is actually Phil and Graem, with Jack being the odd man out. Only with teammates like Phil, maybe that's a good thing. Once Phil decides that Graem has fulfilled his mission, he sends him off with a painful injection (and a kiss) to whatever level of Hell is reserved for someone who kills Tony Almeida and David Palmer (oh, and Michelle).

Meanwhile, McCarthy has found a nuclear engineer who can reprogram the nuke detonators, though he suspects cooperation will have to be, well, encouraged. When he conveys this info to Fayed, CTU picks up on it, via those kindly folks at NSA who are ever vigilant on monitoring "chatter". CTU is focused on finding the engineer before the terrorists can. Morris is on the case, quickly writing a salvage utility to recover the corrupted picture from that helpful chatter. Meanwhile, Morris receives word that his brother, against all odds and reason, was near the nuclear wasteland former known as Valencia (NWFKAV) that morning. He's got to get to him, which means leaving the safe confines of CTU, of course. So once his program is happily salvaging, he leaves. Just as he does, we learn HE is the engineer in question.

OK, I'll admit to being bamboozled by all the twists and turns in the Bauer family, but didn't you see this Morris canard coming a mile away?

Finally, in the Bunker White House, despite the sneaky and the subterfuge by Lennox et al, President Wayne decides he won't trample all over habeus corpus. Yet. (cue Tom's "doh" face).

Lennox vs. Hayes
Well, you gotta give this round to Tom, considering that Karen, tail between her legs, is on a military transport back to CTU. Sure, she got some good body blows in, accusing Tom of using SOFT intel to expand detention facilities (oh no she di'nt!), but she's the one who asked him to get in the ring without knowing how this would be fought. Tom's style? Dirty, and with lots of advance prep. Karen will be back, right? The more sniveling the villain, the more delicious his comeuppance. You'll get yours, Tom Lennox. I can wait.

Bauer vs. Bauer
Again, it was Jack who led early, beating Graem (is that like the Irish spelling or something?), suffocating Graem, making Graem pretend to cry...the list goes on. Brother G (gangsta, gangsta) wins the round, though, when he turns the tables on both Jack and the Bauer paterfamilias, Philip, who we meet for the first time. Geez, 24 producers, save the Mom for later, will ya? We're in this for the long haul. Anyway, Graham/Graem/Gray appears to send Phil and Jack off somewhere to be killed. You know, instead of just killing them right there, seeing as how the area is already littered with CTU field team bodies. 24 is like the old Batman series that way. Why kill the hero quickly and efficiently when you can concoct some elaborate and time-consuming contrivance which will ultimately allow an avenue for his escape? I think the previews for next week showed Jack and Phil in the bottom of a huge hourglass, but I might be mistaken.

Where was I? It's not an official grudge match, but Nadia can thank Karen's arch nemesis, Tom Lennox, for her being hamstrung at her CTU work socket*. Nadia is of Middle Eastern descent, you see, so she suffers the ignominy of having to put a redundancy layer on all her log-ins. Seriously, is there any greater CTU shame? Milo is her white knight, logging her in under his password. Chivalrous, that one, but not so law-abiding. Bets on which one of these two turns out bad?

At the Palmdale Detention Facility, same story, only substitute Walid for Nadia and Sandra for Milo.

Finally, Darren McCarthy, who brokered the deal between Graem and Fayed for the nukes, appears to have found an engineer who can reprogram the detonators, but it's someone whose hand will have to be forced. Another familiar face coming back, you think?

Next week: The CURE (show me, show me, show me how you do that trick) and Jack promises Graem pain that defies description. I guess Jack lives then?

*Who besides me wouldn't mind seeing Milo hamstrung at his work socket? Show of hands?

OK, first of all, this is the best damn show on television, people. Agreed?

If you remember, somewhere around 9:59, over a square mile of Valencia, CA went bye-bye. Fortunately, CTU and Jack are upwind of the blast. Unfortunately, in a worst case scenario, so are Fayed and the other four suitcase nukes. Now all F-dog needs is a non-vaporized nuclear engineer to replace THE DEVICE and reconfigure the detonators. Enter McCarthy who, for the right price, can find said man.

At CTU, Assad supplies THE SOURCE of the tactical nukes, ex-Soviet general Dimitri Gredenko. Quicker than you can say "open the Russian database", Morris has an interesting link to Gredenko, in the person of Philip Bauer. As in Jack's dad, Philip Bauer. Surely just a coincidence, right? That's not even the HALF of it. Jack rings up Padre Bauer and instead speaks with Sam. Now, do I just see homos everywhere or did you get the vibe that Sam is ol' Phil's boyfriend? Phil, as it happens, disappeared the previous day, leaving his mobile phone, and no contact number, behind. Also, and this is where it gets really good, some Liddy dude is privy to Jack's call and gives the 411 to Jack's brother, Graham. Ummmm...who is totally the nefarious guy who lead that mysterious cabal behind the Sentox nerve gas attacks from last season. Oh, and they killed David Palmer, too. Shutup. I don't know about you, but I'm PLOTZING! Blow. My. Mind. Why dontcha? SO MANY awesome Bauer family connections to play with, guys, not least being Graham's wife, Marilyn (played by the delicious Rena Sofer) who has a thing for/history with Jack, and a son who looks awfully like Jack.

OK, breathe Mike, breathe. Where were we? Walid is wired by the FBI to get info from the shadies at Palmdale, while Jack is tearing out lamp wire in Graham's study. Bad sign for Graham. Last time we saw Jack do that, it was interrogation with electrocution, but this time the lamp wire was just the (family) tie that binds. Dry cleaning bag is the interrogation tool du jour. Brinksmanship, baby! Looks like Assad was right. In three short hours, Jack remembered.

Shit. Talk about unwelcome guests. I wasn't even starting to recover from Jack taking out Curtis Manning (what is it with him and necks this season?) and then THE VISITOR arrived. And apparently he's brought four friends. Everybody just ignore the bell and sit real quiet-like and maybe they'll go away. It works with the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Bill Buchanan: We need to do better than we're doing, and we need to do it faster!

Word.

This hour is all about who's in custody, who's out, and finding out what's in THE PACKAGE. Sounds a lot like Saturday nights around my place. Sandra Palmer and her man, Walid, are hauled off to a provisional detention facility (euphemize much?) where cavity searches and sorely limited basic human rights are the order of the day. Sandra is later released. It's good to be the First Sista. Walid? Not so lucky.

Fayed dials Wayne up and says that unless the President releases 110 prisoners from the Palmdale Detention Facility (say detention facility often enough, and softly enough, and it sounds like a poem), the consequences will be immediate and devastating. That's ominous, but I bet he wishes he'd saved "once again, the streets will flow with blood." Works out for him anyway, as President W. Palmer begin the process of releasing the enemy combatants.

Meanwhile, Jack's having a really bad day (along with the country), but how about that poor Wallace family? Ray is sent off to deliver THE PACKAGE and retrieve THE ITEM. When the big wad of cash that is THE PACKAGE is not enough, Ray tries to negotiate, but where words fail, a fractured skull succeeds. Ray has THE ITEM.

Back to Jack. The guy he was following was doing a dead drop at a storage facility, and when he realizes he's been tailed, blows himself up, along with a laptop. CTU has Chloe though, so we find out the hard drive has schematics for a detonator...for a suitcase nuke the Soviets "lost" (and you know they totally lost all kinds of scary shit). Who has the skinny on this device and is, in fact, responsible for it being in terrorist's hands? Oh, that'd be Hasan Numair who's about to be released from the Palmdale Detention Facility. They try to stop the planes, but dudes, Numair is still on the bus. And free.

Also, Curtis doesn't cotton to Assad roaming so free. Ditto Milo with Morris.

If Jack says it's Fayed and not Assad, don't you think he deserves the benefit of the doubt by now? Apparently not, and since Assad is the only link to finding Fayed, Jack has to take matters into his own hands. Again. He saves Assad and they quickly form an uneasy alliance. That uneasiness includes a locker room moment when Jack changes shirts and Assad is all "Dude!" when he sees how scarred/burned Jack is (courtesy of the Chinese). The key moment of the episode follows when Jack discovers that his heart is just not into brinksmanship anymore. That's like me finding out I'm not into...ummmmm....let's just say it's real unlikely and uncharacteristic.

Jack: I don't know how to do this anymore.
Assad: You'll remember.

Assad finishes the job and they track the newest suicide bomber.

Another Palmer sib joins the fray (how much do we love this family?) in the form of sister Sandra, who is an attorney representing the IAA (Islamic-American Alliance). As one of 24's "personal" storylines goes, this should be a good one, and with any luck it will leave no time for Kim. Oh, and Sandra Palmer appears to be bangin' the head of the IAA.

Ahmed (ACH-med, if you're nasty) is busy recovering THE PACKAGE. What do you think is in there? And how long before we stop seeing him as Kumar? He has to kill the neighborhood redneck when Jethro decides to bust him up in retribution for the terrorist attacks. Scott barges in and now he's a hostage.

There are two more bombings carried out by Fayed ("Once again the streets are flowing with blood"...boy, you know he's just been dying to use that lil' chestnut), but Jack manages to thwart the subway suicide bomber, kicking him out the back of the train just as he detonates himself.

Of course, all this begs the question: When do we get Aaron Pierce back? And do you think he's knockin' boots with Martha Logan?

I know, I know, I'm late to the party, but shall we dish about 24, dolls? First, I'm always more than ready to suspend disbelief for a show I love (I do it all the time in real life, after all) but Wayne Palmer as the POTUS? I mean, he's not even the smartest person in his own family! Oh. Wait. So, Jack returns from incarceration in a Chinese prison, looking cowed and vulnerable. His homecoming relief is cut short though, as he learns he's to be the sacrificial lamb in an effort to stop the wave of suicide bombings that's sweeping the country. Jack, scarred but not scared, doesn't miss a beat, opining that he'd rather die for something than die for nothing. Good call, JB, but thanks to some well-intentioned but misguided satellite shenanigans by CTU's sexiest couple* since Curtis and Tony (they were a couple, right?), Jack almost dies in vain. Except that he was gonna anyway because the terrorists are double-crossing their own. Got that? Oh, who can really care when Jack totally chewed a guy to death and then politely turned his head to spit out the neck ham. One down, 23 to go y'all.

*Chloe and Morris, of course, but Bill and Karen are running a close second, aren't they? I see the whole gentleman/lady on the street and whore in the bedroom scenario with those two.

Oh, Fox promotional team, you are a wicked temptress. The 24 season doesn't start until January, but once again you chum my waters with tasty chunks from the casting department. No surprise, I bite every time. How can I resist when I find out that not one, but two, Six Feet Under alums are gonna be joining Jack and Co. next season? Sure, I wish I'd be seeing Peter Krause and Frances Conroy, but I'll be more than happy to settle for James Cromwell (as Jack's estranged dad) and, ummm, Eric Balfour (!) stepping back into his Milo shoes from Day 1. He makes skanky hot, doesn't he? Oh, and have I already mentioned Eddie Izzard?! Seriously, how can you NOT be watching this show?

The only thing I'm blue about is that we have to wait four months until KUMAR is in the CTU house, people. You heard me. Kal Penn has been cast in the next season of 24, which kicks off in January. Will he hang with Curtis et al in the glass and concrete confines of our favorite anti-terrorist organization, or will he be the season's Big Bad? With those lips, who cares, right? The next really bad day for Jack Bauer takes place 20 months after the end of last season. Of course, it's likely ol' whisperin' Jack has had some bad days in the interim. Chinese prison, remember?

Oh, and tune in Sunday to see if Kiefer Sutherland, Gregory Itzin, Jean Smart and the show can take home some Emmy swag.

One more thing? Loyal 24 fans might want to catch Little Miss Sunshine to enjoy a certain someone in her small, but highly enjoyable part near the end.

Dude. Where do we start? Luckily we're tight and we have that Will and Grace reparte' goin' on, so let's just shorthand it, shall we?

--The submarine conflict was resolved fairly quickly, but not without TONS of awesome, not least of which being Bierko's Death By Jack's Thighs. I have to learn that move. Henderson meeting his maker was good too, but you saw that coming a mile away, right? One of my favorite parts of the subcapade was meeting the onboard friendly, Petty Officer Tim Rooney. Who knew that friendlies were so adorable? He was so cute when he was killing that guy, wasn't he? Instead of slicing deep to get through the carotid arteries and the vocal chords, he was kinda all stabby around the neck area. Bonus was that they made a point of having Rooney see Jack take out an unarmed Henderson, so he may be back!

--The moment we've been waiting for finally came. Logan got his. In more ways than one. The POTUS and FLOTUS tangled a couple times, first in the sack, then in that hangar. Can we just give these two some Emmy right now? I thought Jack would wrangle a confession from Logan with one last blast of good ol' brinksmanship, so I'm glad it didn't turn out exactly that way. And I'm glad Martha was right in on it. How much did we love her flinty smile at the end? Also, even though we got no more rack, her legs were hot in that skirt.

--Ummmm, Chloe has an ex, y'all! Never mind that Jack is now on a slow boat to China, who else can't wait to watch snerky Chloe and cheeky Maurice mix it up next season? Please don't let him go back to selling ladies shoes in Beverly Hills!

--This was a great ending to one of the best seasons of 24 evah. A lot more happened, I know, and I'm plotzing, so discuss!

The Attorney General, a representative from the Judiciary Committee, and a Congressional Liasion are all on the line and only THEN you take a test listen to the recording? WHITE NOISE. Miles is immediately fingered. Then choked. Then slapped. And now he's hitched his wagon to Logan's star. Yeah, that's gonna work out for him, too. Logan drops the charges on Jack because he wants a freed and open target. Meanwhile even Chloe, with the power of all our search satellites at her disposal, can't find Bierko, but he's out implementing his backup plan. Or, in this case, his backup can. Of nerve gas.

Logan is tying up loose ends all over the place. He tries to cut a deal with Aaron. Aaron is all, "Huh? Wha? Bitch, you trippin'", so Logan gives the bug-eyed stare, which he uses all the damn time, but apparently in this case it means to kill Agent Pierce. Back at CTU, they broker an immunity agreement with Henderson to give up contacts for Bierko. They take Henderson to the KICKIN' loft of Joseph Melina. No, really, we're talking serious square footage and a sweet entrance scanner thingy. Anyway, Henderson is trying to help, but Jack and Co. bust in too soon. Still, they get the intel. Russian submarine specs!

Then the really good shit goes down. Martha stumbles upon an agent about to take out Aaron. She distracts Logan's goon long enough for Aaron to kick him. The gun goes flying. A scuffle ensues. And what's a good scuffle unless shots ring out? Martha was not exactly "guns blazing" like Chloe last season, but good enough for me. She saved Aaron and just try to tell me that the electricity isn't sparkin' between those two? I thought they were gonna knock boots right there in that Lincoln's trunk.

Jack contacts the Russian sub. He's almost in time. When the ranking US officer on board checks topside, he's immediately shot by Bierko. Drop the Sentox gas in, seal the hatch, and presto, you've hijacked a sub armed with 12 multiple-warheaded missiles, my friend.

For Best Line Of The Night, we have a tie!
--Aaron to Logan: Is there anything else.....Charles? ((zing!))
--Martha to Logan's goon: Are you going to shoot me? I'm the First Lady. Are you going to shoot the First Lady?

Techno-jargon Of The Night: The Phoenix Shield ::ooohs and aaahs::
--Bill: We can get through it.
--Chloe: Not a Phoenix! It's a poison pill firewall and any attempt at circumventing it and the hard drive does a cold start erase at which point you can forget about retrieving any data.

Next week: The final twist! The ultimate showdown! The last time (this season) we get to hear Kiefer's shout acting: Right here! Right now! You are gonna face justice!

Any time they start a 24 episode with a graphic violence disclaimer, it's fine by me. It's auspicious. Wait. Do they all start that way? Back to Jack. What's gonna stop him from getting that tape back to CTU now? Good ol' Graham, leader of the unnamed and shady masterminds, finds a way. They'll fake a VCI distress signal and broadcast it on the plane's transponder frequency. Quicker than you can say "hijacked plane being used as a weapon" an F18 is scrambled from Point Mugu. This is all incredibly tense, and working out incredibly well for President Logan, until it becomes apparent that they are only trying to land the plane. Even when the parameters have changed, Logan hollers, "I want that plane shot down! Order your man to fire...now!!" Finally, he relents. Foiled again! Oh well, he has two marine batallions on the way to the landing site. Jack will never get past them. Until he does.

Meanwhile, back at CTU, we learn that Heller, like Frodo, LIVES! Y'all were right. Bill and Chloe have been brought into Karen's inner circle (dirty!) and Miles is nonplussed. Jack's back. Bierko is being transported and as he leaves, he spits on CTU's floor. Oooh, how defiant. Oooh, how weakly ineffectual. But saliva is not the only tool at his disposal. Would you believe...another mole? Moley is driving the tac team van. Jack and Audrey are reuniting (there is knee kissing and calf massaging) as Chloe prepares the recording for playback to the Attorney General. Of course she is also adding a digital signature, you know, to establish a chain of evidence.

FYI: When a plane making an emergency freeway landing is not even the most riveting scene of the night, you're watching a great show, my friend. Witness the devolution of Logan when he sees the writing (of his obit) on the wall. Before he ends it, he seeks forgiveness from a mascara-smeared Martha. Marty don't play that. She gets the line of the night: You know what really gets me, Charles. You had me going so long. I had no idea you were such a good liar. If I weren't so horrified by the fact that I married you, I might actually be impressed. Logan is a dead man walking back to his office. UNTIL. Until he gets the call from Miles. Miles is on his side, especially after he learns that the President will never forget his help. Miles checks in on Chloe. And the tape. She snerks. He...ummmm...puts a flashing red thingy next to the tape.

Next week: Aaron (!) is bloodied, but not broken.

Don't you know you're going to shock the (bar) monkey? Not once, but twice. You knew from the first time you saw him that he and Chloe would mix it up, but who knew she'd be all, "You've been tased!"? That will go down as a classic 24 moment, no?

Jack was in and out of the cargo hold all hour, the first time slipping up unnoticed (with his hood DOWN even), and later he kind of forces the pilot's hand when he breaches the aileron conduit and uses a belt to make turbulence Bauer-stizz. His first capture, Hans Meier, was the wrong guy, so not all the Germans are bad. It's the copilot who used to work for Omicron International and Henderson. They relay the info and the pilot manages to open the cockpit door, Jack subdues the copilot (see the pretty laser sight on your cheek, pal?) and gets the recording. Game over, right? Oh wait. 4 more episodes. The President might have to take down Jack's plane to keep this little conspiracy tight-knit. Because, you know, no loose ends up til now. Nope. Don't look too closely, it's more fun that way.

Meanwhile, back on the ground, Novick is smelling some serious rat. Also, a few good lines were tossed off:

Martha to Agent Adams: I just called the POTUS a son of a bitch. No reaction? and after learning his first name adding You don't have much of a personality, do you Justin?
Buchanan gets the Line of the Night though when he deadpans to Miles: You have no idea what you're dealing with, you little ass kisser.

Next week: Looks like the POTUS scrambles an F18.

For the fans of 24, there is a fun TEN QUESTIONS article in USA Today, just in time to prime you for tonight's episode. It immediately answered one for me. The new guy is Romano from ER (which I gave up years ago).

We're close, right? So much so that we have that intimate shorthand going; the kind that can be either charming or annoying, depending on where you stand on such things. What's a recap amongst compadres? This way:
-Audrey is arterially intact after all.
-Her dad, Secretary of Defense Heller, is added to the season's death toll after he pulled a more noble variant of the Thelma and Louise.
-The Logans threw down and it was ENTHRALLING.
-Man-Fetus Mike Novick tossed off the best line of the night: There's nothing I can say with any authority. All I know is that...it's been a strange night. True dat, brotha.
-Jack, his Messenger Bag of Tricks, and his Hoodie of Invisibility, are all stowed aboard a plane. High altitude hi-jinks to ensue.
-Oh, and wherefore art thou Aaron?!
ADDED: I can't go a week without some random Chloe techno-jargon. Here she is responding to Jack and ordering Buchanan about: "On it. Open up a parallel channel with NSA's land sats. Scan radial slices in 3 mile increments emanating from the retreat....Sir."

Jack gives flesh, Audrey gives blood, and her dad gives us the switch that, in true 24 fashion, sends us careening in another direction when we were only seconds from a full resolution of every dangling plot thread. SO worth it though if for nothing else than:

1. More Secret Agent Chloe music. We knew she could set up priority channels and access sockets and upload things to remote nodes, but who knew she was all sticky fingers with key cards?
2. Seeing Martha turn it up a notch with Aaron. You just know she's a hellcat, right? Flotus would rock homeboy's socks.
3. Watching Jack get his chance at being smokin' hot. Tony is gone, Wayne Palmer is kickin' it out of sight at Buchanan's crib, here's your chance, J. So literal, though. The old "escape via the hot water pipe" trick is a bit tired for this show, isn't it?
4. Seeing a good ol' fashioned bloodletting. That's not so tired. Audrey has her left brachial artery severed and it's just her luck that she was wearing her winter white suit when it happens.

Logan and Heller going at it face to jowly face wasn't as much drama as I expected, but Logan got the last minute reprieve when Henderson lets him know they have the tape.

Au Courant Line Of The Night: Your chair is not a throne, Charles.

Next week: Looks like the body count will start to rise again. Where's Aaron? Heller's car is shot at. I'm down with that, but Logan saying, "Martha is taken care of"? No!

OK, I have to start from the middle in that riveting moment when the FLOTUS apologizes to the POTUS. I just can't take my eyes off Jean Smart in this role. She calls Logan magnificent and apologizes for her erratic behavior. Watch as Logan squirms. Awesome. Later they answer my question about how Logan reacted to Walt Cummings, with Henderson explaining that Logan has to remember the role he's playing. All threads went through Cummings on the terrorist plot and Logan is spotless. But thanks to Evelyn Martin, he's not, is he?

Action in the episode centers on Jack (who is off the grid, yo) and Wayne (mmmmm) getting the audio that Evelyn recorded implicating Logan in the terrorist plot. They have to kidnap a bank manager to get it. I liked Carl. Too bad we have to speak of him in the past tense already. Jack and Co. get surrounded at the bank, but Jack realizes if they trigger the silent alarm and mobilize LAPD, Henderson's men will engage the police rather than have Jack (and the tape) taken into custody. Jack uses the ensuing confusing crossfire to make his escape.

He's going to meet up with Audrey and her dad, Secretary of Defense Heller, and give him the proof of Logan's corruption. The only thing standing in his way? The President has the power of the police force and the military and the CTU at his disposal and he's had an arrest warrant issued on Jack.

Did you notice this episode was brought to you by Toyota (Evelyn's RAV-4, Carl's Camry, and Audrey's Avalon) and the number seven? Seven more episodes. So can they keep this going that long? Don't forget Kim is still out there somewhere.

Technojargon Of The Hour: Chloe and her mobile phone VPN pathways.
Cliche-palooza Line Of The Hour: Jack to Aaron--Keep your eyes open and watch your back.
Most Valuable Player Of The Hour: That sweet new Bond James Bondian music they played over Jack and Chloe's scenes at the end. Love.
Chloe Snark Of The Hour: On exiting the bathroom Miles grills,"What were you doing?!" Chloe snarks, "Ummm, are you kidding? If you really want the details, I'll write you a report."

So they spent an AWFUL lot of time convincing us it was VP Gardner who was down with the terrorists, didn't they? Only in true 24 fashion, he was a red herring. A suspicious looking, bug-eyed, big foreheaded one, but a red herring nonetheless. The POTUS/Pussy has more moxy than any of us gave him credit for! Speaking of Gardner though, if he's not on the side of abject evil, why is he so intent on messing with CTU?

Anyway, Jack (and Bierko) survived the plant explosion, even if Jack's face looked like Wile E. Coyote's after one of his ACME bombs goes wrong. Shortly thereafter, Jack utters the line of the night: "Henderson is still an active protocol. He was willing to let his wife die to protect someone very powerful. Now I'm scared." Jack is a frigging weapon and HE'S scared? This IS big.

Over at the Weekend White House, Wayne meets up with the lovely Evelyn and we learn that Henderson's crew has kidnapped her daughter and want her intel; the very intel that got David Palmer shot in the neck (I'm already to "acceptance" on the Kubler-Ross grief scale on that...has it only been a few hours ago?). Evelyn has the skinny on who's behind ALL the shenanigans of this very bad day. She won't give it up without her daughter. Jack and Wayne (who we learn was a Marine....hurt me) are on the case and set up a meet with Henderson. When things go awry, as they are wont to do, Evelyn's legs are strafed with automatic weapon fire and Henderson escapes.

Action at CTU was mostly more power grabbing, at the VP's insistence. Karen went so far as to authorize a unit wide backslash protocol. That minx! And I'm trying to decide which Disney villain Miles is mimicking. Jafar? Who else is left wondering if President Logan is really smart enough to be behind all this? P.S. This was an entire episode with NO brinksmanship.

Added: OK, one more thing and then I'll stop. Remember how Henderson and his wife both mentioned taking care of Kim when everyone thought she was an orphan? Well it's a good thing Kim and Ponyboy got out of LA like Jack told them ::cough:: so Henderson can't use her as a tool against Jack!

OK, so who else was hoping that Audrey really was a deep cover mole in cahoots with the terrorists? Oh well, she was sporting some cool frames this episode. Dolce and Gabbana? Jack pulls no punches when he interrogates her. I felt so bad for Audrey that I wanted to take her place, you know, with Jack pinning me up against the wall by the throat. Err, anyway, Audrey was setup and her worst sin was cheating on her boyfriend who she thought was dead. ::yawn:: Homely-land Security Karen is not satisfied. She calls for Agent Burke and his Rainy Day Fun Box of Chemical Interrogation. Jack is satisfied though, and turns his attention to Colette Stenger. Turns out if they can show she's withholding information, her full immunity signed by the President (and transmitted to lawyers in Zurich and Tripoli) is void. What the? She is lying and Jack is ON her. He's all, "Henderson wanted you to get inside my head and it worked. Now I'm...(Best.Pause.Ever).....upset."

They find that Bierko is targeting a natural gas facility which will pipe the nerve gas right into the homes of US citizenry. The gas becomes inert under high pressure though, and thanks to heads up on that from new girl, Sherry "Everybody Wants Me" Rothenberg, they find the refinery where the PSI is dropping. Jack and Co. get there, but Bierko has time to release the gas. There's no time to stop the pumps, so Jack reaches into his Messenger Bag of Tricks and rigs an explosion so the Sentox is incinerated. He and Bierko tussle in the ensuing explosions and dive into a police car as they are peppered by large metal debris.

And whither Wayne Palmer? Aaron comes to his rescue and they escape, but not before some harrowing automatic weapon fire and another of those awesome shoulder-fired missiles. Wayne is unconscious and Aaron is obviously concerned.

Oh, and Miles, buddy, if you get in a pissing contest with Chloe, you WILL LOSE, bro. Every time.

Next week: As some have suggested, there is more to Evelyn than meets the eye.

Added: I forgot the question that is begged by this episode. With all the Sentox gas destroyed, what are we doing for the next nine episodes?

The biggest news on 24 this week? Everyone lived. Most of the action was centered on Jack and Curtis finding, apprehending, and getting intel from Colette Stenger, International Intelligence Broker. Wouldn't you kill to have that printed on your business card? She's their conduit to Big Bad Bierko and they eventually get to her via her boyfriend, the very Deutsche and very secret agent-y, Theo Stoller. Of course the Germans don't give anything up easily (tight asses), so Jack has to give them the fabled Wet List containing all the US government's leads on suspected terrorists around the world. You think we really have a Wet List? Awesome. If so, do you think we have a Chloe simulacrum who can get to it backdoor from NSA's mainframe and then upload it to an agent's remote node (dirty!)? More awesome.

With Tony gone (RIP), we needed a boost in the hotness quotient. Enter Wayne Palmer. Yum. He has critical intel that he needs to deliver straight to Aaron, our very favorite Secret Service agent. He gets cleared to enter the Weekend White House, but while driving in he's tailed by a black van (never a good sign, is it?). They shoot out his tire, he rolls his Lexus, and a footrace ensues. The VP must be in on this, and based on the preview, so is Henderson (who somehow slipped out of CTU before the flimsy lockdown).

Most of the action in the government and CTU involved backstabbing, political machinations, and power grabs. The big doin' was in the last minute, per usual, when Colette gets her price (full immunity signed by the President and transmitted to lawyers in Zurich and Tripoli) and then gives up her DOD source for the intel she gave to Bierko. "Who is he?" asks Jack. "He's a she. Audrey Raines." Whoa. I actually hope this is true, but I'm not holding my breath.

Next week: Jack pushes the desk away and pins Audrey to the wall by the throat. I'm thinking it's not the first time they've done that, though.

Added: I missed it, but Eagle-Eyed Soosan didn't. The actor playing Theo Stoller is the same guy who is Desmond on Lost. Cool!

Are you kidding me? It's like Ethel dying on Lucy. It's like Potsey dying on Happy Days. Coach dying on Cheers. Oh wait. Anyway, it's much worse than that because none of them were smokin' hot like Tony. Some shows are Nobody Is Safe pretenders, but this show is the real deal. Seriously guys, it's like Titus Andronicus at CTU Headquarters these days. When will the carnage end?

Because of the Sentox gas, there were four safe zones in CTU. Only kinda safe though, as people die in two of them. Chloe was shut down over Edgar but managed to sum up her feelings fairly well: He was such a good guy and I just treated him like crap all day. Good call, girl. In the medical unit, Tony quickly takes charge and confronts Henderson. In a wink to The Princess Bride, Tony goes all Inigo Montoya with: My name is Tony Almeida. You killed my wife. Prepare to die. OK, it didn't go exactly like that, but close, right? Jack convinces him Henderson's intel is too important to lose, so Tony waits. Only there's not much time because the nerve gas has a corrosive agent that is corrupting the safe zone seals. They formulate a plan for Jack to save the day, but an undocumented security upgrade (steel bars) foils them. Someone is gonna have to take one for the team (sounds like SO many of my dates). Cue Lynn McGill. He can stop a program which will let Chloe clear the air at CTU, but not without sacrificing himself. He does it and it was brave, but really if he hadn't done it y'all, he'd still die and everyone else would, too. Redshirt Swinton goes with him. All that pales compared to the final shot of Tony in Jack's arms. *He says, "She's gone." And then he is, too. If they kill Curtis, I'm outta here.

What else? It looks like Homeland Security will take over CTU next week. The drama at the Weekend White House is the self-interested VP having a major bone for imposing martial law. And Big Bad Bierko is deploying ALL of the remaining canisters (17?) at a very secure facility. Anticipated death toll: 200,000. Oh, and Pony Boy will follow Jack's orders and immediately take Kim out of the city. Heh.

Classic Chloe Lines:
Ponyboy: What's it mean that he finished so quickly?
Chloe: I don't know.
Ponyboy: Well, it could be good thing, right?
Chloe: It could be a good thing or it could be a bad thing. That's what 'I don't know' means.

Kim: How are you doing?
Chloe: Well, this morning I woke up with a guy in my bed that I'll probably never see again and I just watched one of my best friends die right in front of me, so I guess not that great.
Kim: Yeah.

Boy, any of those Lost fans who complain about nothing happening should check out this show, huh? High body count, baby! So who else was screaming "Nooooooo!!!!" with the realization that our lispy lunk Edgar was no more? So we never get to see that awkward scene where he gets his nerve up to hit on Chloe and she shoots him down with no mercy? No one is safe on this show. Last week I joked about poor Sarah being a redshirt, and this week she lived up to the name. Oh, and Lynn's cokehead sister and her boyfriend? Killed gangland style, but not before one of the best scenes of the night-- when they used Lynn's CTU key card to make lines. Lots of other CTU non-descripts bit it as well (40% of the staff according to the preview) when the nerve gas went off in their concrete confines. I say if you're gonna die, is there any more dramatic way than while making squeaky skin on glass noises as you slide to the floor?

Tony finally comes to and he's immediately suspicious of what happened to Michelle. His suspicions are confirmed when he tries to pull her file up on the CTU Medical Center terminal and he's greeted by DECEASED in huge red block letters, complete with pop-up photos of her burned and mutilated body at the scene. Personnel files at CTU can be harsh, yo.

Jack's main action was at Casa Henderson where he is trying to get info from his former mentor. Henderson is all "I TAUGHT you this stuff, Jr.". That is until Jack shoots Miriam in the knee. I replayed her reaction over and over. GREAT "Brotha just shot me in the leg!" face. Henderson doesn't spill, so he gets loaded back up to CTU for some chemical interrogation. Brinksmanship, guys. Yay!

Kim returns. Bleh. I had pre-hate kindled and she did nothing to snuff the flames. You find out your dead father is ALIVE and he was only trying to protect you, so you snub him? Who (else) acts like that?

So yeah, the second hour was non-stop, even for this show. The hospital gassing was a diversion from one of the main targets: taking out CTU. I thought CTU lockdown was the most awesome scene of the night with all the seals and doors coming down as our main player's heads swivel around in amazement. The Most Awesome Scene title changed hands quickly though, as the crown went to the spectacle of Edgar's face, recognition dawning, yelling for Chloe as Chloe silently mouths, "Edgar". Chloe feels, people.

Did you notice how the terrorists thoughtfully set the canisters to go off at the end of each hour?

Martha Logan summed up this hour's key theme when she hollers, "Don't negotiate with the terrorists! Isn't that the point of the treaty you JUST signed?" Her husband misses the point, and the irony, so she hitches a ride with the Suvanov's, forcing him to reflect. Reflect he does for the next 40 minutes and every reflection shows on his CGI face. He whines, he cries, he changes his mind, then reverts to his default mode-- and does nothing.

Historically, CTU control is in different hands as often as Paris Hilton's naughty bits, this week included. To begin, Lynn McGill is in charge, but he's smelling mutiny around every glass and concrete corner and he'll put everyone on ice with Bill Buchanan in CTU's cooler if he has to. Carrie, whose red shirt is at the cleaners, is not mirroring her activities to Lynn's terminal as Audrey, Chloe and Edgar meet in the server room to discuss the authenticated thumb drive data. Omicron International manufactured the Sentox gas for the military, but we don't know if they're in bed with the terrorists. Their VP of R&D, Christopher Henderson, just happened to recruit Jack into counter-terrorism work. Jack knocked him off the CTU pedestal (see!) when he was suspected of selling classified intel to defense contractors. Cut to Carrie who is giving Homeland Security updated code sets. Oh, we hardly knew ye, Carrie. Actually we didn't know ye at all. Gone by the hand of Lynn, who's then hot on Chloe's trail.

Jack goes covert to enter Omicron. He's brandishing a firearm as he enters Henderson's office, only to be TASERED, revived, and then staring down the barrel of his own gun. Henderson is still indignant over his CTU firing but seems sincere about giving Jack all the info on the Sentox program. Jack queues up his suspicious look. They go to an isolated, heavily secured bunker together to get the skinny.

Back at CTU, one of Edgar's filters picks up chatter about the impending attack. Chloe throws herself on the grenade, telling Lynn, who is having none of it. If it's not rubberstamped with CAUTION: NERVE GAS then Lynn is set to ignore. Audrey has had enough, enlisting Chloe and Edgar to help her forge a message from Lynn to the Secret Service. Chloe is down as long as Edgar can put a blanket on her subnet. Heh. Audrey's not done. She wants Lynn gone so she suggests to Curtis, who's been squintily observing from the sidelines, that they Section 112 Lynn's ass. So when Edgar and Chloe are gettin' hacky, and Lynn busts in and shuts them down, Curtis starts invoking. Lynn is all "Oh no you din't 112 me", but he trades places with Bill in the CTU pokey anyway (see!). Bill quickly informs the Secret Service and the President about the motorcade attack. Aaron fires up PROTOCOL RED! and the convoy is diverted, but too late. There is trading of automatic gunfire and then the limo gets hit with a shoulder-fired missile (which Chloe sees courtesy of some keen Atari-era graphics). The Little Cadillac That Could withstands this, then holds up to machine gun fire AND flamethrower (awesome!). Aaron finally leans out and guns down the remaining terrorists.

At the Sentox bunker, Jack and Henderson are trading info when Henderson says he must go next door to IT. Takes Jack a few minutes to realize he's been sealed in. With a bomb. That goes off in a minute. NP. He uses it to blast out, emerging intact from a crawlspace amidst rubble and sparking wires.

With the Suvanovs and Martha safe, attention is turned to the terrorist response, since it looks like Logan tipped their hand. Logan pleads, but Bierko ain't playin'. "No! Wait!" cries Logan, the stupid kid in a man's body, the pretender, the fake president (Fauxgan?). My favorite moment of this hour was the expression Mike gets when Logan demands he join him on his knees in prayer.

Next week: Kim returns (boo!) and it's a two-hour episode, so surely the First Lady will change out of that buttoned-up blouse. Let the girls breathe, Martha.

"Erwich is gone! The canisters are gone! We've got nothing! Dammit!" Those were Jack's words at the end of last week's episode. Still true this week if you change the 'gone' after Erwich to 'dead'. He was bad, but this week we finally meet the Big Bad, evil billionaire Vladimir Bierko, who dispatches Erwich with another of those awesome knives these dudes tend to wield. Bierko isn't happy with how Erwich et al handled the nerve gas caper and he's out to clear the decks, including Nathanson. Nathanson contacts Jack (via Audrey) for help and he hints that there are others involved within the upper echelons of our government. Back at CTU, Lynn is having a very bad hour as he tries to recover his key card from his meth-head sister and then is seriously dressed down by the POTUS. Lynn decides to take it out on Jack. Poor, stupid Lynn. You might have a chance fussing with Edgar, buddy. He orders Jack into custody, but Jack's agenda is helping Nathanson so he can get info on the nerve gas. This forces Jack's hand. He must escape from Curtis, and he does so memorably, using a choke hold move and the words that will echo in my ears for a long time to come: Don't fight it, Curtis. Don't fight it.

The CTU offices are full of subterfuge for the rest of the hour as first Audrey, then Chloe and finally Bill, work behind Lynn's back to help Jack obtain and decrypt Nathanson's intel. Nathanson meanwhile is babbling Cummings-stizz about being a superpatriot, and Jack calls his actions out as treason. "No, it's a realpolitik," says Nathanson. As always, I'm here for you, so I looked that shit up: politics based on practical and material factors rather than on theoretical or ethical objectives. Bierko's goons take Nathanson out, but not before he passes off a computer chip to Jack. Chloe will decrypt and data-mine those files if only Jack will upload the draft to her socket. Dirty! That minx.

Meanwhile, Big Bad Bierko has refocused the revenge onto Mother Russia. If the POTUS will give him President Suvanov's motorcade route, he won't release weaponized nerve gas on the US citizenry. Pussy is, of course, down with this. Breasty First Lady, of course, is not. Logan gives up the info to the terrorists, so Martha takes matters into her own hands and jumps in the limo with the Suvanovs. Can you imagine the faces Logan will make when he finds out? Seriously, he looks like a grown man, but has the mind of a dumb little kid inside. Kinda like that guy in Sling Blade, or like the real president.*

Next week Jack is tasered, there's mutiny at CTU and with any luck, there'll be a whole messa brinksmanship.

*line adapted from Christopher Moore's The Stupidest Angel.

OK, am I the last one on the planet to feel that Logan/Novick is a sly wink at Bush/Cheney? I know Novick isn't the VP (who is anyway?), but still. On with the show. We open with Lyn dusting himself off after the mugging and dusting off our memory banks with a lil' are we up to speed exposition with Bill. The only new info is that Erwich is putting feelers out (via that everpresent terrorist chatter) to sleeper cells for assistance in using the 20 canisters of nerve gas. Meanwhile Jack is taking the call from Erwich about the Rosslin meeting. I thought he might bust out a Rosslin imitation ala Sydney Bristow, but no need. He grunted his hello and Erwich spilled the info. As they head to the meet, Curtis reminds Jack the chip is genuine, but can't be operated without the unlock code. Oh, and it also has a hidden tracking device. Curtis to Jack: I'm watching your back. ::knees weak::

Pussy of the United States (POTUS) and Mike are discussing the spin on Cumming's death and decide there is no need to come clean now. You know Martha won't play dat. She gets wind of the press release from Evelyn (is she shady?) and storms in.

At the parking garage rendezvous point it's showtime (we know because they actually said, "It's showtime!"). Jack installs the new chip with the help of Chloe in his earpiece. Who wouldn't love to have Chloe all in your buds, giving instructions and snarking all day? Heh. The chips an easy switch, but then the dudes subdue Jack and throw him in the van. They are taking him with to make sure the trigger works.

Back at the Weekend White House, Martha confronts the POTUS and Mike. Logan finally stands up with, "I made my decision and I am the President." Without missing a beat Martha counters with, "Which means it's your job to tell the truth, even it it's ugly." Zing! Again, how did I miss the Bush/Cheney thing?

"WHERE'S THE VAN!", you ask? It's on its way to the Sunrise Hills Mall with one of the nerve gas canisters in tow for a little FIELD TEST. They'll go in as HVAC repairmen and set it off in the system. Well you know this means schematics are being uploaded and entry/exit vectors are being analyzed at CTU, but Lyn stops everything. If they stop the terrorists now, they'll never find the other 19 canisters. And we've reached another 24 milestone here. Every season has that critical moment. How much/many are we willing to sacrifice for the greater good? Lyn draws that line somewhere on the other side of 900 mall hoppers. But wasn't the KILL ZONE on these things 1-3 miles? Anyway, they agree to call Logan and let him decide. Cut to the mall where we see cute families cavorting and consumering. Oh, and whoever was directing this episode shot a single balloon released and wafting to the mall ceiling and you just know he was creaming his shorts thinking this is his Schindler's List girl in the red coat moment, right?

Well, of course Pussy does not want to decide anything ever so he tries to say it's CTU's call as an operational matter which they immediately hot potato back to him. He finally lets Mike decide-- let them release the gas. Jack ain't having that so he gives them the wrong unlock code, not alpha kilo charlie, but echo bravo charlie. Renegade, baby! Terror dudes knock him out and cuff him while they "work around" the lock to release the gas. Jack comes to in time to take out the guy who is about to kill him and also to close the canister, but not before some gas it released. They start the mall evac. There's much screaming and some people dropping. This time they have blistery mouths, but not so much with the pink foaming. A HERO MOMENT is necessary to cancel out the casualties and Jack saves a little girl with his gifts of a gas mask and a timely shot of atropine.

So Jack and Curtis (mmmmm) are off to find the hostiles (the remote trigger has a tracker). Hostile calls into Erwich who asks if anyone is tailing. Hostile: No. Erwich: Come in. Hostile gets to the lair and no one is around. Erwich calls telling him, "They followed you, and you know what to do." Hostile shoots himself in the head as Jack and Curtis bust in. Erwich knew they'd be on the trail and he's off in his Pickup of Doom. The warehouse is empty but for one dead terror guy. "DAMMIT!" yells Jack in the voice he uses when he's not using his urgent whisper.

Next week: Lyn wants Jack's ass in custody for his rogue action at the mall. Jack no likey custody. The POTUS must decide if he'll cave to terrorist demands. Hmmm....what will he do?

Let's enter the mind of Walt Cummings. You're not a traitor or a terrorist. You are a SuperPatriot! The terrorists were gonna be your tool to (a) ensure the free flow of oil and to (b) shore up our strategic partners in the war on terror. Only now the terrorists have turned their focus onto the good ol' US of A. Who's the tool now, Walt? A saving grace is the detonators on the nerve gas have been altered and without the codes, the terrorists got nothing. From 1:00 PM to 2:00 PM they are after those codes . And Jack is after them. That is when he's not worrying about his everloving, eversuffering daughter, Kim. Damn, I knew she'd have to come back. She still thinks Jack's dead so we spend time with Audrey worrying about bringing Kim into the loop. Lyn's got his own needy troublesome relative (doesn't everyone at CTU? ) in his meth-head sister who calls asking for money.

Bill Buchanan is holding a meeting and this is where 24 is really the shit-- when it's loaded with CTU-speak. Cummings has given them schematics for the canisters and the triggering mechanisms can only be activated by satellite relaywith valid detonation codes. Chloe pulled a voice print on Irwich and is scanning all sat com chatter for a match. And finally it comes, as it does every season: the civil defense assessment which notes the KILL ZONE for one canister is between 1 and 3 square miles. The terrorists have 20 canisters. Do the death toll math, people. Anyway, through the sat-com chatter they find Irwich's contact, Jacob Rosslin. You know he's evil because of the indeterminate accent and the combover. Jack's on it, shouting that he needs schematics on the building and vectors on the entrances, and he also sometimes needs Curtis really bad. OK, he didn't say that last part except in my head. Meanwhile Erwich has found a hotty at a body shop who has the tools to cut into the canisters to get the serial numbers.

Back at the Weekend White House, the Logans share a tender moment. Tender, that is, until Martha bitch slaps him in a 'oh no you din't' moment to let him know she forgives, but don't forget. They worry about what to do with Cummings, Mike suggesting a coverup, Martha saying we have to come clean. They needn't have worried cuz about then Cummings is hanging himself by his belt from a sprinkler head in the West Hallway. Drama queen.

Jack and Co. bust into the penthouse and quickly subdue Rosslin (shot in the leg), but Spencer lets them know someone else is in the penthouse. That someone turns out to be Anessa, Rosslin's 15 year old sex slave from Kiev. She's horribly bruised and also a free pass for Jack to be brutal with Rosslin (dress the wound, but no pain killer). Yay. Rosslin tries to cut a deal, which Jack ain't having, but the interrogation barely begins when Lyn cuts in saying they don't have the luxury to engage in brinksmanship. I looked that shit up for y'all: Function: noun: the art or practice of pushing a dangerous situation or confrontation to the limit of safety especially to force a desired outcome. Aww, but Lyn, brinksmanship is like the best part! They cut the deal, which INCLUDES Anessa going with Pervy McEvil. Pervy will deliver the terrorists to Jack when he sets up the meeting to hand over the chip with new detonation codes.

Back at the body shop, Hotty cuts the lid off the canisters and they get the serial numbers. Dudes, it's the same numbers from LOST! Not really, but that would have been cool. They message Rosslin the numbers. I was worried about all those open canisters of nerve gas until they showed them sealed again...with duct tape. Rosslin's deal, including Anessa, is made, so he's all cooperative. Only problem is that Anessa is like Janie (she's got a gun). She busts it out and caps Rosslin's ass just as the terrorists are about to call back with the meet details. And Rosslin is dead. What now?!

Somewhere in there Lyn meets up with his sister at the CTU dumpster. She wants cash. He gives her a number for a good doctor. Her friends, The Faces of Meth, mug him for his cash AND his CTU security card. Dunh, dunh, dunh! Next week the terrorists are looking to hit America where it really counts-- at the Gap.

I dig him, but does anyone else think Mike Novick looks like a grown-up fetus? All pink and hairless, he seems like he'd be mostly cartilage. This week he's Jack's ally, though, and Jack gets permission from CTU to contact him so they can take down Walt Cummings. Jack uses txt msging to get with Mike ending with: "tell no one" (and it's not like anyone in our government listens in on conversations). Mike gets that message just after the Prez's inner circle watched a video of what the nerve gas (mil spec) will do to a dude. There is confusion and convulsing and then pink foamy dying. SimTox 6 is some bad shit. Logan can't even watch. Could he be more of a pussy?

Before Mike and Jack meet up, a lot of stuff goes down. Jack dumps Diane. Secret Service agent Aaron finds Martha and her jugs (loving them, btw) hiding out in the stables. Schaefer breaks into the cargo container and UNLOCKS the nerve gas. Finally Jack gets to the Weekend White House. He's about to break open the direct involvement of the White House in terrorist activities. Naturally he stops to take Audrey's call and discuss their relationship.

While he's doing that Walt Cummings is Comings clean to the President. Sure, he's in cahoots with the terrorists, 'but it's not what you think!' That kind of talk doesn't even fly when you're cheating on your boyfriend, does it? Turns out Walt and his posse have tricked the terrorists into smuggling the nerve gas to their East Asian lair. Posse (who ARE these guys? Big Oil is my bet) will then detonate the gas before the terrorists have a chance to bring it to Moscow. Kill lots of terrorists AND provide a smoking gun for WMD's in the region: it's a twofer! Oil flows free for at least another generation. Is that better, Mr. President? Pussy still demures so Walt resorts to 'if I go down, you go down'. Pussy is now on board. Never mind that Cummings just admitted to putting the hit on David Palmer. And Michelle. And causing all that death at the airport. There is a legacy at stake. Send out the troops to nab Jack and detain Mike before they can tell anyone else what they know.

There is no way out for Jack now, is there? Heh. Even the ultimate badass needs a break and as luck would have it, he's taken in by Aaron Pierce, a Secret Service agent loyal to David Palmer. Once Aaron hears that Cummings had Palmer killed, he sets Jack loose quicker than you can say coup d'etat. Jack wastes no time pulling another trick from his bag of interrogation fun. Walt won't talk, will he? Even if Jack calmly explains that he'll use his way cool titanium-hued knife to carve Cummings' right eye out, then his left eye, and then continue removing parts at his discretion? Walt spills.

Back at CTU, thanks to some crack hacking by Edgar, they find the container with the nerve gas. A strike team is sent in and they find the container empty, except for a dead guy. It's Schaefer. The terrorists crossed the double-crossers and now they are pissed (or really cross, I guess). Someone must pay. And they are in possession of a deadly cache of weaponized nerve gas. Hmm. What to do? What to do?

Previews tease a slow reveal suggesting someone we know and love could be back next week. Nina maybe? Is she even alive? Behrooz!