Until I have time for a proper The Amazing Race: All Stars post, you can find out exactly how I felt about the outcome by clicking here.
EDITED: a photo recap of the episode follows the jump.
"Soon, soon, this will be over and I will no longer have to pretend that I care about Debby. Dorothy. Dahlia. Danielle! Danielle, that's her name, right."
Then Mirna and Charla got a nice little lead, and I started thinking they just might win.
Then the Beauty Queens totally fell apart.
Then Eric and Danielle realized they would need to buy an extra seat for Danielle's breasteses.
Then Danielle actually harnessed some brainpower and finished the last Challenge in first place.
And then those fuckwits won.
And then we saw Rob and his new, improved BloatFace.
Then Phil presented Danielle's rack with its own million-dollar check.
Then the Beauty Queens came in second, crying, and I cried along with them.
"MY FRIEND IT IS HONOR TO JUST FINISH RACE BECAUSE CHARLA WITH LEGS OF SHORT, MY FRIEND, TOMORROW WE NO EAT, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW MY FRIEND?"
"Dude, I just farted."
I don't have it in me to do a full TAR recap this morning, please to forgive me. Screencaps for your fun after the jump.
Okay, last night's TAR: All Stars had me wringing my hands and tearing out my hair. Too stressful for freakgirl! Teams travelled to Macau this week and powered through a really freaky Roadblock and a Detour that was both hilarious and dirty, depending on which team you were watching.
Let's just get to the big controversy. Danny and Oswald were running out of money and realized they wouldn't be able to finish the leg if they didn't get some. As they were in first place, they knew that they would get to the Yield (the last one in the Race) first. They told the Beauty Queens that, for a price, they would yield any team the BQs wanted. The BQs took them up, because it meant that THEY wouldn't be yielded, and they had money to spare. As usual, the Yield ended up meaning nothing at the end of the day, but I loved that they chose again to yield Team Mammary. Kick 'em while they're down! As soon as they took the money and did the Yield, Oswald was immediately regretful and spent the next 30 minutes trying to rationalize why he did it. WHY ARE PEOPLE SORRY WHEN THEY USE THE YIELD? IT IS PART OF THE GAME. It's a stupid part of the game, but part of the game nonetheless.
Understandably, Eric went nuts. And proceeded to talk smack about Danny & Oswald for the rest of the leg. At the mat, as they waited to check in (remember they had a 30 minute penalty for coming in last the week before), the Beauty Queens 'fessed up that they had "bought" the Yield from Oswald and Danny. They conveniently left out that they made the actual choice, leaving Team Jugs to assume that Danny and Oswald were completely to blame. Not cool. But I'm sure it will all come out at the Pit Stop.
Anyway, the rest of the leg was cool, with a Roadblock involving jumping off the highest structure in Macau. Danny and Oswald ended up with the worst cabbie of all time, and for some reason just accepted it as punishment, instead of trying to find another cabbie. Because of this, they dropped to last place. Oh, and Team Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder actually arrived at the mat in second place. Unbelievably, this leg turned out to be the last non-elimination leg in the Race, and Oswald and Danny are still in it!
Even more unbelievably, Mirna and Schmirna are still in it. I cannot believe that Charla didn't kick Mirna in the vagina, after the way Mirna treated her. Ugh. Also, Phil wore a shirt with gigantic pockets.
This week's episode of The Amazing Race: All Stars brought us more airport hijinx and shenanigans, with teams jockeying for positions on wait lists, forcing themselves into private offices, and bickering nastily with each other. The end result was a nice lead for Danny/Oswald, and some bad news for Eric/Boobs.
Apparently everyone is angry with the Beauty Queens for their use of the Yield last week. Mirna is especially worked up, which is interesting, considering she was not even the one yielded. There is a lot of talk about "karma" and "teaming up" to get the BQs out of the Race. All this because the BQs used the Yield, A LEGAL PART OF THE GAME. And it ended up being meaningless anyway. If Eric and Melons had been eliminated as a result of the Yield, nobody would even be talking about it.
Speaking of karma, the good kind, my darling Danny and Oswald manage to get on the first plane out and easily get the Fast Forward. The FF doesn't even require any work on their part, except for not pooping their pants as they are driven and flipped in a stunt car. Good times.
As for the rest of them, we get a hilarious Detour that involves scaling a building and fighting ninjas. Mirna and Charla are particularly entertaining while they complete this, performing karate kicks and yelling things like, "Hi-YA!" I'm sorry, but they cracked me up. The Roadblock involved kicking a door, and later pulling a toy boat on a string across a pool. Could this leg of the Race have been any easier, seriously?
Anyway, Oswald and Danny secure first place, the BQs arrive in second place (is it just me, or does Phil more obviously ogle them every week), Mirna/Schmirna in third, with Team Sports Bra coming in last. Of course, because the universe hates me, it's a non-elimination leg. Bugger.
This week's Amazing Race was kind of on the boring side, as we were pretty much assured as to who would be eliminated when they ended up 24 hours behind the rest of the pack. However, the tasks were fun to watch, especially the bike/newspaper roadblock.
In the beginning of the leg, teams had to find their way to Malaysia. Uchenna and Joyce took a risk and booked an early flight with a tight layover. Unfortunately, this did not work out for them and they didn't make their connection. Wave goodbye to Uchenna and Joyce; you won't see them again until they're eliminated at the end. Most of the teams book their flights through travel agents. Mirna and Schmirna go online and manage to book their own flights and end up landing in Malaysia much earlier than the rest of the pack. Nice racing. But don't worry; they'll blow their lead soon.
Ah! Detour! Search through 600 boxes of cookies or dye a piece of fabric? The cookie detour is a classic "needle in a haystack" and I cannot believe that so many teams chose it. Mirna and Schmirna ended up abandoning it after wasting enough time there to lose their lead, Oswald and Danny ended up abandoning it, and the Yielded-by-the-Beauty-Queens Eric and Danielle actually found the correct cookie. BTW, Oswald and Danny had their worst leg ever, in terms of teamwork. But even when fighting, the two are respectful to each other and never say rotten things, ERIC AND DANIELLE.
The teams race to the next Roadblock, which consists of collecting newspapers on a bike with a big sidecar basket. Kandice did very well. Mirna excelled at this, as she is pushy and actually entered people's homes to get the newspapers herself. It was fun to watch. Danielle crashed her bike and complained, and pointed out that Eric hasn't done any of the physical roadblocks. Actually, she called him a "girl." Danny had more trouble and ended up buying newspapers from a gas station. So funny.
The BQs finished in first place, and I'm just really enjoying them. Joyce and Uchenna arrived in Malaysia the next evening, and were told to report directly to the Pit Stop, where they were eliminated. No biggie - they've already won the million bucks once before, so I don't mind seeing them go.
We got a double-dose of TAR this week, and I thought both legs were great. At one point there was a 15-hour gap between teams; so much that several teams started a new leg before others were done with the old leg. We had piano tuning, competitive eating, x-rays, and falling down, as well as an extremely moving visit to Auschwitz.
This week, we found out that Poland hates Mirna and Schmirna. It was kind of odd, but perhaps people don't take well to a little person and her shrieking cousin accosting them on the street and demanding their help. I used to like these two, but they're on my last nerve and I was hoping this week would be their last. The scene they put on with that cab driver was beyond disgusting. Way to show off your independence, crying girls. Hint: Learn to read a map and you won't have to spend all your money paying people to show you the way.
As for the rest...Eric and Danielle suck so hard and so much. The Guidos ended up reliving their horrible first-season experience of being stuck a day behind the rest of the teams. Being marked for elimination, once they hit the intersection with another pair of teams, we knew they had no chance. Earlier, Uchenna/Joyce and Ozzie/Danny took the Fast-Forward, landing on the mat in first place. Phil said they would have to decide amongst themselves who would get the prize, and the boys immediately gave the prize to Uchenna and Joyce. I just love them so much.
The last two intersected teams (Mirna/Charla and the BQs, Eric/Danielle and the Guidos) chose the eating challenge for the Detour. I expected that Charla would be good at this, since she did pretty good on her first season. However, she wasn't. It was no big deal, though, because everyone knew that the Guidos would have to wait an extra thirty minutes after check-in.
We got the much-anticipated armor roadblock right at the end, and I expected I would find Charla's falling on her face extremely hilarious, but I actually felt bad for her. You could tell that she was exhausted, sick from the sausages, tired of Mirna screaming at her, and having a lot of trouble holding the horse's reins because of her height. So I didn't get the satisfaction I was hoping for.
Anyway, the Guidos were eliminated after a very sweet mat chat with Phil where Joe called Bill his "knight in shining armor."
Our latest episode of Amazing Race: All Stars brought us a leg that went wrong in every possible way. First off, kudos to Mirna & Schmirna for making the decision to take the risky flight to Johannesburg. It put them so far in the lead that I'm 99% sure production stepped in and postponed those dhow rides in order to narrow the gap. The Guidos must have been having traumatic flashbacks about being left behind in Alaska.
Basically, here's what happened. Every team was at the airport trying to get a flight out to Dar Es Salaam, but every flight was booked. Each team went into scramble mode, and Teri in particular very slowly started shutting down and losing her spirit (maybe it was because the editors dubbed over her ticket request so badly that she was embarassed). I think many of those teams spent close to 24 hours in the airport. I'd be pissed, too. Mirna and Schmirna managed to get out and, through the grace of some dude named Christo, got standby tickets to their destination.
The next group of Racers to get out was the Beauty Queens, Uchenna & Joyce (who, remember, were marked for elimination and for once, there was no FF in the leg for them to count on) and Danny & Oswald. Danny & Oswald have sealed my affection for them by, when realizing their driver's name was Andre, busting into a Tim Gunn impression. LOVE THEM. Left in the dust were Eric & Danielle (who is also starting to fall apart), Teri & Ian, and The Guidos (who affected an air of quiet desperation for this leg).
After a Detour that was quite simple, especially if you chose the puzzle (unless you were Teri & Ian, who didn't realize the pieces were double-sided), and a Roadblock that didn't seem too tough either, Mirna & Schmirna came in first, AGAIN! Phil snickered as he gave them the good news that they each won a catamaran, and you could almost hear crickets as they stared at him, dumbfounded, wondering what the hell a catamaran was. Phil told them, and Charla looked less than thrilled, no doubt remembering her vomitfest on the dhow. By the way, I have a theory on why Mirna & Charla talk in that weird way. Do you think their parents and family speak in broken English? I think they once mentioned they are first generation here in the States. I'm thinking that that's how their parents or grandparents talk, with the broken English and odd accent, and they have picked up on it and lapse into it when they're around people they don't understand. Whatever the reason, they still sound stupid, but I need to be able to have some sort of explanation.
Anyway, Teri & Ian never recovered, and were eliminated. I was bummed to see them go, but I was very impressed with them this season. They seem like decent people.
Next Week: Charla falls on her face wearing a tiny suit of armor! I am so there.
Amazing Race: All Stars is freaking me out. Up is down, left is right, the worst racers came in first this leg and one of the strongest teams came in last. What is going on? There isn't much to say about this episode other than I hate Eric. And Oswald & Danny continue to rule, promising the rats they would take them to a nice lab where cosmetics would be applied to them. And the chasing of Phil! I want them to win.
Well, well, well. Quite an episode of The Amazing Race: All Stars last night. It would have been ever better had I not been tipped off to the ending by some douchebag a few weeks ago. Ah, well. It was still fun to watch.
It's really effing obnoxious calling Rob/Amber's elimination a SHOCKER. They never won TAR. So what gives? Anyway, I'm just going to say it, okay? I kind of like Amber. I like the way she stays calm, doesn't throw blame around, totally understands that her husband is a competitive dope and works with it, and seems to be enjoying herself all the time, especially while trying to trick Mirna. Am I sorry she and Rob are gone? Not really. They deserved it. They ran a shitty leg and never recovered from the disastrous Detour choice. And now the race will be more about Race, and less about Rob. Fine by me. Although I must say that I was enjoying the competitive spirit between Rob/Amber & Uchenna/Joyce.
Speaking of competitive spirit, how funny were those letters from past teammates? So funny. Quick notes on the other teams: Cannot STAND Eric. Continuing to adore Ozzie & Danny. "Darling, let us go read the Roadblock together." I love their style and their green cashmere scarf. I'm really enjoying Teri and Ian, too! Do we even need to discuss Mirna and Schmirna? No? Good. Because they aren't even sharing a PLANET with us anymore. Mirna's sad little confessional about how she does all the work on her team and has to pick up the slack for Charla? Unbelievable.
Okay. This week on Amazing Race: All Stars we had fighting, screaming, meltdowns, two little people, flying fish, and a near-death experience for Teri. Oh yeah, and Mr. & Mrs. Smug McFullOfThemselves won yet another leg. You know what, though? At least they're not doing things like writing down only part of a clue. Or forgetting to pick up a clue altogether. Or forgetting where they left the frakking CAR KEYS, MIRNA. I must say, though, the sight of Charla in her bathing suit will amuse me for years. It was just so cute and festive.
I wish Rob & Amber weren't so worried about making good television, because they really have been running a decent race. Making good decisions and quickly realizing when they make mistakes. Going to a travel agent in the beginning of the leg put them an hour ahead of everyone else. That's crazy! Speaking of crazy, apparently Pink Danielle is afraid of fish. Eric is a real ass, isn't he, screaming at her to use her boobs and laughing at her. I don't care for him OR his nipple rings. After a really cool white-water-rafting Detour (nobody took the climbing one, probably a good idea since the Fish People were probably totally exhausted), Rob & Amber ended up in front, with the Guidos, Dave & Mary, and Mirna & Schmirna bringing up the rear. Dave & Mary were not able to pull out the win, and were eliminated. Fine by me. By the way, when the Guidos pulled out of the rafting lot and backed into something? I seriously thought for a second that they had run over Charla.
The Beauty Queens arrived on the mat in fourth place, only to be told that they had forgotten to pick up a clue and had arrived at the rafting detour by dumb luck. They were able to retrace their steps; luckily the clue was only about two miles away, and managed to go back and get it and still retain fourth place. Heh.
p.s. Confidential to the Guidos, you know how you keep saying things like, "Who says two gay men can't drive? Who says two gay men can't race around the world?" Uh...NOBODY is saying that. So stop it.
Sweet jebus, how about Sunday's episode of Amazing Race? I don't know that I've ever wanted to violently shake so many people at the same time. From Drew nearly running over Kevin with a truck, to Joyce being first to arrive at the Roadblock and then proceed to apparently go blind during the task, to Mirna and Schmirna's spectacular two-woman performance of "I Am A Shrieking Harpie," to Drew and Kevin steadfastly insisting they stay at 40kmh, as other teams whiz past them, to Mary saying "I think we should turn right because that sign has more words on it," to finally - Drew simply giving up at the mat and walking away from Phil before Phil can even eliminate them. What a baby. I am one of Kevin and Drew's biggest fans, but I found myself totally irate that they agreed to do this show when it is so obvious that Drew was not physically up for the challenge. And then I get more pissed, wondering what team would have replaced them.
Having said that, I really enjoyed this episode. Rob and Amber barely registered with me this week, although I have to say I got a sick thrill out of watching them argue.
NOTE: I'm stepping into Freakgirl's shoes for the Race this week, and don't I love a kicky slingback. She'll be back for regularly scheduled programming next week. M.E.
I think when "I'm doing the best I can...you're killin' me here" is uttered within the first half mile, then ALL-STARS is a bit of a misnomer, but, we're off! Eleven teams from seasons past, ten original and one recently minted (with pretty), headed off to Ecuador (or Peru, as it's called in some circles). It was at the airport that these ALL-STARS first got to show their mettle, with some teams picking the first flight out over the first flight to arrive. In their defense, so tricky! Drama ensued, including the kind-hearted Team Kentucky revealing their new master plan: transparent deceit. You lie to the Beauty Queens and then tell Teri and Ian they should bolt to American? Clever.
Upon landing in Qito, the nearly two hour arrival time difference was compressed into a half hour as the teams took numbers at Pim's restaurant for departure times the next morning. On the way, Drew, who caught his breath on the flight down, caught the curb and possibly dislocated his shoulder. Only he could move it and it felt fine a few minutes later, so probably not. In the morning the teams head to Cotapaxi National Park, some taking more circuitous routes than others, and are met with the Roadblock, Wrangle It or Recover It. Save Rob and Amber, who may have been briefly distracted by their own cult of personality, all the teams decided to Wrangle It, avoiding the needle in a haystack challenge (or, more specifically, a button in a battlefield). Rob and Amber were first to the Pit Stop, which was just up the hill, and were rewarded with five days at beautiful Whistler Mountain Resort for their efforts. Jon Vito and Jill made the early exit, but the lingering question is if they are on a new path together. The answer being that nobody really cares.
A few thoughts:
Don't you wish you had a dime for every time your hands were clammy and your face felt like it was going through menopause?
I'm willing to bet that Ian finally caught "Scent of a Woman" prior to heading out on the Race. Hoohah! Please keep any "Scent of a Teri" comments to yourselves.
Anyone check out Rob and Amber's music playlist? What about the Elimination Station (TAR Sequester House!)? Or animated Phil? They are really pushing that website hard. Animated Phil at the nudist colony is worth it, though. Like I didn't want to toss his salad already.
Favorite exchange:
Mirna: Wrangle is gonna require holding down a wild horse.
Charla: That's fine. I'll hold it.
Phil's Phashion Corner
He started off shaky in the US, but Ecuador did wonders for our boy. LOVED that shirt jacket and the blue, gray, khaki combo was spot on and timeless. My money says he snuck out after this leg and collected all those missing epaulets from the Roadblock for himself.
The teams for The Amazing Race: All Stars have been announced. The list is after the jump.
Rob & Amber (Bleh)
Drew & Kevin (YAY!)
Ozzy & Danny (Fabulous!)
John Vito & Jill (Now broken up, but still friends)
Dustin & Kandice (Should give Rob & Amber a run for their money)
David & Mary (Team Kentucky!)
Team Guido (Excellent)
Charla & Mirna (Awesome)
Uchenna & Joyce (Why? They already won)
Teri & Ian (Oh, dear)
Eric & Danielle (Who? Seriously, who? Oh.)