So, according to Jessica, it really is true that the Big Brother producers colluded to keep Dick and Daniele in the game.
I'm not stupid enough to think that all my reality television is "real," but this really irritates me. I thought the whole America's Player thing was a great idea at first, but now I see it was just a front for TPTB to ensure they were able to put on the show they wanted with the outcome they wanted. Whatever.
It's the Big Brother 8 finale, guys! WOO HOO! YAY! bleh.
Julie opens the show totally excited and grinning, shouting about the father and daughter team, the "most formidable alliances in Big Brother history," and I vomit and then I pass out and then I have to take a break and check my email and there's an email from Maggie that says "I'm puking" and I'm only ten seconds in and literally I can't stand this.
"To evil!" "To Evel!"
DEEP BREATH.
So now we get the recap of the entire season and the whole "he gave me gonorrhea" and "she owes me five dollars" thing crack me up once again. Oh, look, Daniele is screaming about how frustrating everything is. Oh, and tender piano music shows us the touching father-daughter relationship mending. Oh, and the Dick guitar music shows us how Dick is such a wacky and fun-loving guy! And Eric was America's Player! Remember Eric?
Zach's name isn't even mentioned until the voiceover talks about the Final Three. Way to be memorable, Zach. Ugh, and then we get to relive the Dick and Daniele Final Two and Daniele's screaming blows out our speakers.
Bunny on a treadmill. Oh, Zach.
I seriously so do not want to watch this. I just want to see what happens when the America's Player twist is revealed. Jessica's brain may start to smoke.
OK, now we're live with Julie Chen and her live audience. And her necklace. And her last "but first."
We go to the Jury House to watch the losers' reactions to who is going to walk through the door next. They all agree they hope a Donato is evicted. Jen calls Dick "the absolute worst person I've met in my entire life," and continues until Zach walks in, cutting her off. Everyone is bummed and treats him more nicely than they ever did while he was in the house. Assholes. Everyone cries about how they now have to pick between Dick and Daniele. Yeah, well, jackasses, it's your own fault, isn't it?
So America's Choice is for Eric to campaign and vote for Dick to win. Fine by me. Like I said on my blog, I dislike them both. Strongly. But based purely on gameplay, at least you always knew where you stood with Dick (most of the time, anyway). Daniele just sat back and let her father do dirty work for her, whined and cried, and giggled in the background. I want Dick to win because I don't want to Daniele to, plain and simple. What I really want is for a meteor to hit the house and CBS donate the prize money to a battered women's shelter, but I guess that probably won't happen either.
"I like dick!"
We watch the jury discuss who should win the game. Dustin says that Dick is going to get rewarded for being a piece of shit. Eric points out that at least Dick was an outright asshole, and that Daniele was a sniveling little baby who rode her father's coattails to the Final Two. Jen points out it is their own fault for letting D&D stay in the house this long. Rock on, Jen. Then Amber starts yelling at Jen about Jen making a truce with Dick way back when, and WTF? Jen reiterates that she does not want Dick to win. Zach says that Daniele was a great player and won so many competitions. Dustin agrees and Amber just sits there going "yah." Eric points out that Dick won all the clutch competitions. Amber just sits there going "yah." Jessica is wearing really stupid earrings and says that Daniele is getting away with too much. Jameka calls Daniele the "pimp" and ED the "ho," and WOW, taste God, meow! Dustin says "by golly."
After commercial it's time for the Jury Grilling. I hope Jen brings it.
OK, here we go. First up is Dustin. He gives D&D kudos and asks Dick how he feels about being next to Daniele. Dick says they had the hardest game out of anyone in the house. Yadda. Amber's next. Wants to know why she should give Daniele her vote after what she did to her boyfriend on tv. ZING! Amber calls her pathetic and Daniele starts whining about how her personal life has nothing to do with the game and tells Amber she doesn't want her vote. Way to be confident, Daniele!
Jessica asks Dick who he would want to be sitting next to if it wasn't Daniele. Dick says that it never occurred to him to be with anyone else. Eric asks Dick to tell him why each jury member would deserve to be in the Final 2. Dick says that Dustin, Jen, Amber don't deserve to be in the Final 2. At least he's honest. He tells Eric he was the best player in the game.
Zach asks Daniele what she has learned in the game. LAME. Daniele is all, "Wow" and kisses a bunch of ass. The jury laughs at her. Dick answers the same question and pretty much insults everyone. Everyone rolls their eyes and shakes their heads, all, "Oh, that Dick!" Gah. Jameka asks Daniele what her biggest move was in the game. Daniele says the game was so hard for her! So frustrating!
Now it's Jen's turn. I'm excited. She says she doesn't respect either of them as people and that she has no choice but to vote for one of them. She asks Dick if this game helped him rebuild his relationship with Daniele and sappy music starts playing and they're both all "I love my dead gay dad/daughter" and I will bet you a million dollars that Jen was forced to ask this question. Fuck you, Big Brother.
"Seriously, who is this guy? Was he on the show?"
So, the Q&A is over and Daniele starts yelling at Dick that his speech was crappy. She is such a little bitch. Hate.
Julie introduces the Jury. Dustin is not wearing his v-neck gray t-shirt. Yay. Chicken George is in the audience. Aw, George. Get a job.
Julie talks to Dick and Daniele, and Daniele tells everyone how much she's enjoyed reminiscing with her dad the past few days. Yeah, like when she said yesterday on the feeds how she'd like to kill Jen with a chainsaw. Good times, good times.
The voting begins. Jen reiterates how she doesn't want to vote for either of them. Loving her. Amber doesn't know how to put her key in the slot. Awesome.
Howie and Kaysar are in the audience and Howie is bloated and screaming. Julie introduces Dick's mom/Daniele's grandma and Dick's son/Daniele's brother. Whatever. Do you think Julie will ask Vincent about the cheating? Oh no, she doesn't. How shocking.
"HEY AMERICA REMEMBER ME? HURRICANE HOWIE? BUSTO? AMERICA? HELLO?"
We re-meet the rest of the cast members. Nick looks good with short hair. He says hello to Daniele onscreen and you can already tell that this showmance is OVER. Happiness.
Oooh. It's time to reveal the America's Player Twist!!! Julie tells the crowd that there was indeed a secret twist this season. Everyone is all, "WTF?" Amber's mouth is hanging open. So attractive. Julie says that someone on the jury has a secret. They show a video of Eric revealing the America's Player twist. Daniele and Dick are in SHOCK. Poor Dustin. Dick is realizing that he was not responsible for Dustin's eviction. He looks confused, then nauseous, then embarrassed. Jessica is looking less and less thrilled.
"Wait. Huh?"
This is great, watching the recap of Eric and everyone's reactions. I'm actually enjoying this.
Julie asks Jessica how she feels. She's all, "OMG!" but says she's not mad at Eric. Aw. Julie puts her attention on Dick and points out that Eric kept him in the house. Dick does admit that he didn't make the big power play in the game after all, but you can tell he's thinking, "Oh, America kept me in the game! They love me!" Daniele says she thinks the whole thing is hilarious. Dustin thinks Eric did a great job selling whatever he needed to sell. Jameka says everything makes sense to her now. Jen says she wondered who would be so childish to put mustard on her shirt, but now she understands, it was America. Again, love. Eric tells Jessica that everything they shared was jenuine. Jessica looks all, "Okay, please stop talking."
"Hey! I just realized something! I hate you."
Janelle is holding up a sign that says "We Trust the Donatos." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Oh, and Janelle? Shut up.
Let's find out who wins, shall we? Eric voted for Dick. Jameka voted for Daniele. Dustin voted for Dick. Jen voted for Daniele. Zach voted for Dick. Amber voted for Dick. DICK WINS. Daniele tries her best to look happy then bolts for the front door.
They exit the house and Nick is there waiting for Daniele, who hugs him but then runs to her grandmother and brother. Everyone is hugging and blah blah blah. Boring.
One last shot, for Michael.
Oh, and Jessica voted for Dick to win.
Dick tells Julie he's using his money to take a trip. Daniele says she is ecstatic that "we won." Um, YOU came in second. I hope he gives her nothing. NOTHING. As the show goes to credits, I swear I hear Julie ask Dick if they're going to go on Amazing Race. And then I kicked a hole into my tv.
The next day, they all bought a bus and became a traveling band.
SEASON OVER. See you next summer!
Crying count: Zero! Unless you count MY SOUL.
Big Brother 8 ends tonight, not a moment too soon. Once again, we are left with an appalling Final Two. I think I want Dick to win, just because it will make Daniele cry as well as completely destroy their relationship. But the thought of rewarding Dick for his egregious behavior this summer is also nauseating. Sigh. Anyway, after the jump is my gift to you.
The culmination of an entire season of Amber and her Magical Tears from Heaven. God bless her.
You guys, I'm just so deflated. Sorry there are no screencaps tonight...it's not because I'm pissed at the show, it's because my screencap dude (husband) is working.
Let's see...during the first part of the HOH competition Daniele got confused and fell off her carrot and went to take a hot shower. I thought I heard a foghorn but no, it was just Daniele crying so hard she could give Amber pointers. This left Dick behind to verbally abuse Zach for HOURS, stopping only when he literally RAN OUT OF ENERGY ENTIRELY. Dick stepped down and used his last ounce of strength to swing his key petulantly like a big baby.
As soon as Dick stepped down, Zach went over to him and clapped him on the back. I can't decide whether Zach has class or brain damage. Good sportsmanship is one thing, but at some point you gotta stop shaking hands with the man that does nothing but tear you down, yes? No?
The next day the Donatos vied amongst themselves during the second half of the HOH competition. They each had to solve an underwater puzzle and Daniele took 24 minutes to solve it where Dick managed in half that amount of time. I think Daniele lost because she had to hold her nose underwater and could only use one hand to manipulate the puzzle pieces. She was so pissed that she lost to her father that she ran off to the bedroom and sulked about how embarrasing it was. I think she was worried that Dick was going to screw up the last leg and lose HOH.
Unfortunately, he didn't. It was pathetic...Dick answered the first question correctly, and then both he and Zach proceeded to get every single other question WRONG. So he won 1-0. Then Dick and Daniele pelted Zach with thinly veiled insults during their goodbye messages to him, to which Zach responded that he was truly moved by their words. Yep, looks like brain damage.
Dick then began congratulating himself and Daniele, over and over again. And over again. In fact, I'm sure he's still doing it.
At the sequester house, Dustin pretty much said he can hear Eric and Jessica having sex every night in their room. For some reason, this makes me happy-ish.
So, which Donato will win? This fucking SUCKS.
During his nomination speech on Sunday when Zach was telling Dick and Daniele that their winning streak was unfair, Zach mentioned that Jameka has restored his faith in god and I was like, what are you talking about? Jameka just nodded because where she walks, faith in god is inevitably restored. So before the veto competition to end all veto competitions, they tasted god...together.
Delicious.
Then we finally got to see something from the sequester house! Dustin was still acting like the big king of everyone but once Jen showed up and changed into her awesome onesie pajamas, the party really got started.
"To the adult onesie!" "Hear!" "To the onesie!"
Unsurprisingly, Daniele won the veto competition. It was based on memory and logic and Daniele worked it out pretty easily. You guys, I am dying to know what puzzle Zach thought he was solving before it dawned on him what the game was about. Anyway, Daniele won and ran around in circles, screaming like a crazy lady. Once she calmed down, Dick went AWF on Zach again, for NO REASON I could see, about final three and Zach sucks and I hate you and nyah nyah I'm a crazy fucker of a man.
Who's a sore winner? I'm a big baby!
Daniele used the veto on her dad to pay him back for using the veto on her so many weeks ago, but we really know she did it so that she didn't have to be the one to actually vote Jameka out of the house. Jameka walked out to talk with Julie, who showed her a photo of her new niece, which I thought was really nice.
Next, the HOH competition explained why Daniele and Dick were dressed like athletes from Planet Fashion Victim. Daniele was wearing some kind of bizarre pink head bandage to match her tank top, and Dick looked like he was planning to play a game of pick-up basketball in the 'hood. The really old, decrepit 'hood.
Anyway, the competition was a three-part endurance game. Who will win the first part?
Do we get a smoke break?
Crying count: One!
I guess there wasn't time during the live episode to get the footage ready, but Dick did approach Jameka with a deal right before the live show began. He promised to keep her as long as she promised not to nominate him and Daniele together, and vote according to their wishes. She agreed.
Listen to Uncle Dicky, now.
After Eric left to join his true love in sequester, the new HOH competition was announced and Daniele, Jameka and Zach battled each other. Daniele and Zach tied, and at some point each of them realized that if they didn't win they'd be fucked, because they were driven. Daniele lost the tiebreaker by a freaking HAIR, and she got mad and threw her chalkboard down like a big baby.
OMG, like, SO FRUSTRATING! I mean, good job, Zach!
Up in the HOH room, Zach read a letter from his family, inviting him to jump out of his window of opportunity. Instead, he danced around making fists of celebration and punching the air, which totally made me think of when Andy Samberg did the angry dancing a la Footloose in Hot Rod.
Oh, hai. I can has invisibles chainsaw? Kthx.
Nomination ceremony! Zach nominated Dick and Daniele and gave an enlightening speech.
And so, I've played this game alone and...
When everyone came to, Daniele and Dick started taunting Zach about his nominations.
Crying count: One!
Julie Chen welcomes us to a "tumultous Big Brother fast-foward" evening. Woop woop! Two people are going home tonight. She might as well just say, "If your last name is not Donato, you might be going home tonight." Oops, spoiler! Anyway, let's get to it.
Join me tonight, won't you, as we crush the dreams of two more famewhores.
We black-and-white-to-color from the Veto Ceremony. Jessica tells us in the DR that Dick and Daniele owe her for keeping them around. And then we immediately see Dick telling Daniele they have to get rid of Jessica. Dick DRs and reminds us how powerful he and Daniele are, and that they plan on offering Jameka a deal 10 minutes before the show. Dick takes Jameka aside and "kindly" tells her that she's going home on Thursday.
Jameka is sad, but also suspicious of this. AS USUAL. Eric gets his America's Bitch task, and it's no surprise that he's instructed to vote out Jameka. He is incredibly relieved. He talks to Daniele about who is going to go home, and Daniele tells him not to worry about Jessica getting voted out. Ugh. Well, I guess she didn't say Jessica wouldn't be voted out; she just said not to worry about it. Heh.
Now, LIVE, with Julie Chen! She tells everyone that tonight will be a Big Brother Fast Forward. Jessica looks excited for some reason; everyone else looks like they're going to hurl.
Jessica unknowingly sits on the Big Brother Whoopie Cushion.
As she makes her speech, Jameka pronounces "decisions" like "deecisions" and it reminds of Jane Mancini on Melrose Place, always talking about her "deesigns."
The voting begins and Eric, up first, votes out Jameka. Julie tells him how she will let him know what person America wants him to evict for the Fast Forward. She'll ask that person to lead them into the house after the HOH competition. Ooooh, all cloak and dagger and shit! Next, Dick and Daniele vote, and they vote for Jessica and it really bums me out. I hope Dick gets evicted tonight, too. A girl can dream? Julie evicts Jessica. She hugs Eric goodbye and he whispers a lot.
I watch Eric, Jessica and Jameka in a group hug and scream, "WHY DIDN'T YOU IDIOTS VOTE OUT A DONATO LAST WEEK, DUMMIES?" GOD.
Jessica comes out to see Julie, crying. In the house, Eric kisses Dick's ass and tells him that he understands. He does ask Daniele why she lied to him and she immediately begins whining. I don't even understand her anymore; she just opens her mouth and it's like buzzing. Outside, Julie and Jessica chat about Eric. Jessica hopes that something will happen outside the house. Um, doubtful. Although did anyone hear about Jason from BB3 getting married to his casting director? The cutest.
In his goodbye video, Eric tells Jessica he loves her. (!)
All right, then, it's time for the HOH competition. I guess the only person I'd like to see win here would be Eric, since Jameka and Zach can't play. But you know that dumbass would do something stupid like put up Zach and Jameka.
Julie is so excited about this whole fast forward thing. This is a lot for her to handle; I hope her RAM has been upgraded.
And the new HOH is...Dick. Oh, motheroffuckingjesuschristonacrossandtheholygoddamnfuckingspirit. Zach is so happy, he picks up Dick. Dick is too busy lighting a cigarette to enjoy it. I am cheered by the thought that Dick will only be HOH for less than an evening. Interestingly, Julie tells Eric in their SECRET CODE that Daniele is America's Choice to get nominated. This is VERY interesting - that the one time the West Coasters can't vote and there's no opportunity to cheat with auto-voters, a Donato shows up on America's Most Hated. I'm just saying.
"Nurse! I just soiled myself."
We come back from commercial and Eric is coaching Jameka in the bathroom, but we can't hear what he's saying. Julie calls everyone back into the living room. Eric jokes around to Dick that he should put up Daniele, trying to fulfill America's Bitch choice. However, Dick puts up Jameka and Eric for eviction.
Can I just say this is going to be the lamest final 3 ever, if it's the Donatos plus Zach? I'd love it if Zach beat both their asses. The Power of Veto is next.
This competition is called "Niagara Balls." SO MANY JOKES. Julie explains that all they have to do is catch green balls (sounds painful!) and whoever fills up their tube first (dirty?) wins. We also get to hear Julie say the remarkable words, "Jameka has three green balls." This competition is rather violent, and everyone is pushing and shoving and it's totally chaotic. Julie disqualifies Jameka for putting a blue ball in her tube. (snort) Jameka freaks out, crying, "It bounced in there, look at the tape!" But, as Joey Tribbiani would say, it's a moo point, because Zach wins.
MALACHI CRUNCH!
Wouldn't it be awesome if Zach grew some (green) balls and used the Veto? Then Daniele would HAVE to go up? And then he and Eric could vote her ass out? But as far as I know, Zach does not care for Eric and I'm not sure that he and Jameka have ever even met.
Back from commercial. Everyone is out of breath and all banged up. They look like they've been through a war. Jameka looks absolutely destroyed. Time for the Veto Ceremony! Not surprisingly, Zach chooses not to use the Veto. He says he made "an oath to his group." Interesting, no? He just outed his deal with Dick and Daniele, and showed Eric that he is lower on the totem pole than him. But I guess Eric kind of knew that already. If Jameka can hang in there, she should have this all wrapped up.
"I swear to God, God, if I don't win this after all this crap, I'll kick your ass, God. I don't care how gangsta you are. I don't care what you taste like. God bless you, asshole."
Jameka and Eric make their cases before the second live vote. Jameka is all, "Hey, it's a game," on the verge of tears, and Eric is all, "YOU PEOPLE OWE ME," on the verge of hysteria.
Zach votes first and votes to evict Eric. WTF? I was positive it would be Jameka going home. Daniele votes to evict Eric. Bye bye, America's Player. Wow, I'm sort of sad, in a weird way. Julie evicts Eric and poor Jameka realizes that she hasn't a single friend in the house left.
This is Daniele, voting out Eric, trying to look sad. An actress she's not.
As Eric leaves the house, he says a bunch of passive-aggressive things and his last statement is that when he gets to the jury house, he hopes Jen is dead. Never mind, I'm not sad to see him go. Later, LOSER! Loser with more money than me!
Remember the eyebrow, America. Remember the eyebrow.
Daniele and Dick have a quick convo in the bathroom and I don't quite catch what they're saying, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Jameka being their bitch. Heh. It will be great if she betrays them.
Eric exits the house and talks to Julie. He tells her he played as best he could under the circumstances, and I can't really argue with him about that. It will be interesting for Dick to find out that it wasn't his magical powers of machinations that kept him and Daniele in the game; it was mostly Eric (and the country). Julie lets Eric know that he earned $40K for being America's Player. Not bad for a summer, huh? And at least he gets to go hang with Jessica now. Except I guess he still can't tell her his big secret.
By now there is a new HOH, and we'll find out about that on Sunday. The episode ends with Dick and Daniele screaming about Nick. Is he the most famous Big Brother Loser ever?
Crying Count: SEVEN! including a three-way cry at Jessica's eviction.
Tonight's Big Brother 8 episode opens with us reliving Zach winning HOH and his subsequent nominations of Jessica and Jameka.
Zach calls himself "the dreamcrusher." Let's not get too full of ourselves, Zach. Jameka is suspicious that Zach has a deal with Dick and Daniele. Isn't it interesting that Jameka has all these suspicions, and they're just about always correct, yet she does nothing to mobilize anyone into action? Yeah.
Dear God, Please smite my opponents, 'k, thx.
After nominations, Jessica and Jameka discuss the fact that Eric HAS to win Veto in order for the two of them to be safe. Jameka tells Jessica she is hungry for the win. Do you think she can taste the win? Do you think it tastes like God?
Zach and Daniele talk about the noms and Zach does an impression of Jessica:
And then Daniele does an impression of a guy with a moustache:
Eric mopes on the couch and whines to Jameka about how it's all his fault she and Jessica were nominated. Probably. He tells Jameka he's always doing everything wrong. He's also trying pretty hard to cry here, I think. Then he talks about how he's going to lose both the game and Jessica. Hmmm. Maybe he's not so much with the faking.
At the dinner table, Jessica tells everyone that when she was little, she wanted to be either the President of the USA or a waitress. Aw. Daniele DRs that she's a waitress, as her father compares being a waitress to being a stripper. And let Donato Fight Night begin. Daniele "whatevers" her way from the dinner table to her nest in the bedroom and Dick follows her because yay, camera time! Ugh. I'm not even recapping this conversation because vomit.
Fart near my dinner again and I'll choke you to death with my headband.
Eric and Jessica talk some more about needing to win the Veto and Eric hugs Jessica and she totally sits there stiff as a board and doesn't react. Hott.
Oh, Eric, you turn me on.
OMG YOU GUYZ IT'S JANELLE IN THE BACKYARD! Pretty, pretty princess!
Zach wakes up everyone from their naps to announce it's time for the Veto Competition! Everyone goes to the backyard, which is all decorated in pink. Gag. They all line up and see a face start to appear on a screen, and for a brief, horrible second, everyone thinks it might be Alison. But no, the picture is of Janelle-the-Blonde-Bombshell, and Eric makes a snotty remark about her weight. Then Janelle runs out to greet everyone and Eric dies of embarrassment. Daniele immediately crawls right up Janelle's ass.
The Veto competition is one of those puzzles where they have to identify scrambled faces. And spin in a chair or whatever and who cares.
Dick flirts shamelessly with Janelle and ew. Oh, and Eric sucks.
Results? The winner is Daniele. AGAIN. Oy. Rats. I was hoping for a Dick backdoor. OMGZ SO DIRTY.
Janelle and her yellow dress bid everyone a fond adieu, flirting with Dick on the way out and EWWWWWWWWWWW.
The cast of Xanadu wore the exact same dresses, I shit you not.
Jessica is really, really pissed at Eric for losing the Veto Competition. Whoops! Outside, Dick tells Zach what a hot piece of ass Janelle is, and seriously, I am sick. SICK. Daniele is as grossed out as I am, even using the words "threw up in my mouth." Girl, I KNOW. Dick continues to talk about how turned on he was, and next to me on the couch, the geekboy is pleading, "Please end this segment."
That's what SHE said.
Later in the hot tub, Eric talks to Dick and attempts to throw Jameka up the river.
Jessica lies outside on the patio and sulks. Eric joins her and tells her that she won't be going home; that Jameka is the real target. Then they make out all over the patio furniture and I am totally not kidding.
Time for America's Bitch! Eric has to mimic Dick. He picks up a cigarette and simply copies every single thing Dick says. So annoying. Of course, Dick loves it. It quickly turns into a snot-rocket and spitting competition. Mature.
Early in the morning, Dick is out in the yard talking to himself and killing spiders. Daniele joins him and they bleh together about how powerful they are and it's so frustrating. They talk about how strategic and brilliant they are and how Eric is so deceitful. I guess that could possibly be true, but remember Dick's strategy of terrorism and cigarette-poking? Daniele says they need to do whatever it takes. I guess when they do whatever it takes, it's strategy, but when someone else does whatever it takes, then it's deceitful. Whatever. I hate them all. Can we just call this season a draw or something?
So, it's just about time for the Veto Ceremony. Jessica is sitting outside wearing a black patent leather headband with a bow and a black ribbon choker. WHY. Her fashion choices vex me. At the Ceremony, Jessica does her speech and talks so fast that I understand nothing.
Alice in Slutterland.
Daniele reminds everyone how powerful she is, with her Veto and all. Oh, and she's not going to use the Veto. Zzzzzzz. So that's that.
And remember, Thursday is a double eviction!
Crying Count: Three!
After a brief recap of Thursday's show, Big Brother picks up again in the middle of the HOH competition. Who will win? Certainly not Eric, who can't even get to his bowl once without falling down in a tangle of arms and legs. Certainly not Daniele, who can't keep up with the guys because her legs are little and it's so frustrating. Certainly not Dick, who looks like he's on the verge of death. That only leaves...
ZACH WINS!
I am very pleased with this outcome. Also, during the game, Eric wins a phone call from home and gives it to Jessica (aw) and everyone sacrifices hot water for eight days in order to get more cups for the competition.
When Zach wins, nobody even congratulates or celebrates with him. What a bunch of babies. How dare Zach try and win the same game you're trying to win. Dick tells us that right before Thursday night's show, he went off on Zach, presumably because Dick needs to fuck with people in order to keep breathing. During his rant, he yells, "You should have gone home instead of Nick," and seriously, when was Nick elevated to Cappy-like sainthood? And why does Dick continue to pretend that he didn't vote Nick out? Gah.
I'm starting to think that even in real life, Dick has that blur around his mouth.
When Zach gets his HOH room, nobody cares. What a bunch of assholes. Everyone takes a cursory look and then scatters, except for Daniele, who stays behind and gossips with Zach about what a dick Dick is.
Don't hide your feelings, Eric, seriously.
During Eric and Jessica's pillow talk later that night, Eric 'fesses up to being the Phantom Voter and Mustard Squirter Guy. He really wants to tell Jessica about America's Player, but he can't, so he tells her everything but, and Jessica is left feeling like Eric is some sort of diabolical genius. I think it turns her on.
Jessica gets her phone call from home and it's her brother, fresh back from Iraq. They have a very sweet chat and Jessica ends it with happy tears.
Eric's task tonight is to get Jameka nominated for eviction. I imagine this won't be difficult, as nobody really has any issues with her and she could probably beat just about all of them at the end. I am praying that Zach will also nominate Dick.
SpongeZach WetPants.
However, when all is said and done, Zach nominates Jameka and Jessica. As disappointed as I am about Dick not going up, I think these are two solid and smart nominations. Both girls would be hard to win against, and Zach needs all the help he can get if he wants to make it to the end.
Eric is devastated.
On Tuesday, the triumphant return of G.I. Janey!
The hills are alive...
Crying Count: Four!
But first, Eric will perform a silent dance entitled, Chocolate Rain.
That was surreal. The show opened with Julie Chen giving us a recap of Eric's gameplay from Tuesday while on the screen behind her, Eric obviously did not know he was on camera and was doing some kind of bizarre performance art.
Jessica was upset that perhaps she had made a big mistake with her nominations. She felt bad about putting Zach and Amber on the block when it's really Daniele and Dick that she'd like to get rid of. Eric convinced her she did the right thing by reminding her that she doesn't like Amber. This helped until Amber came in to the HOH room to plead her case. Jessica seemed to be moved and wished Zach could be voted out instead.
Zach, meanwhile, was in the backyard with Dick, selling Eric under the bus. He swore to Dick that he was going to backdoor Eric if he won HOH and that he has never gone against Dick in the game. Dick warned that he better not hear otherwise.
Then, Jameka and Amber had some girl time with Jessica and tried to throw Eric up the river. They practically had Jessica convinced that Eric was some kind of psychological mastermind and totally evil and just using Jessica to get ahead. They said it felt like Eric was HOH instead of Jessica. They accused him of...wanting to WIN! How dare he. Jessica ate it up.
Jessica told Eric they were just talking about Amber's boyfriend, but he wasn't having it and eventually Jessica told him the truth. He warned her that Amber was not on her side. I didn't like a bunch of the things he said, but I had to agree when he said that Amber was trying to play Jessica against the only real ally she has in the house.
Julie talked to the houseguests and asked Daniele if she had a message for Nick. Apparently they have some kind of junior-high-school code and they one-five-three each other. How nice. Then Julie asked Dick on the behalf of some half-witted viewer why Dick spits so much. I died from inanity poisoning and now I am dead. At some point, Julie may have referred to Eric as "America's Playa" but my ears were bleeding so I can't be sure.
We got to see Jameka's church pray for her, and her cute sister who just had a baby. Then, we got to see what's going on with Eric's family. His brothers said that before Eric left for the show, he tried to get back on with On/Off Cheryl, but Cheryl wasn't interested. However, we also got to meet Cheryl who seems to think Eric is still her boyfriend and that he's just playing Jessica for strategy. Then she said she couldn't help but feel jealous and then she started to cry. Oh god.
Eric and Cheryl - Status: ON. Circa: 1985
Before the vote, Zach gave a speech he had written and memorized that took advantage of the Alice in Wonderland theme of the season. What a nerd. Even so, only Jameka voted for him. Everyone else voted to evict Amber. During the vote, we learned that Eric has completed 17 tasks so far and has earned $30,000. I had no idea. I clearly misunderstood the rules because I thought he needed to complete 5 consecutive tasks to win any money. Or maybe BB just went ahead and changed the rules. Whatever.
After the vote, Julie asked Amber the world's greatest questions. "You said the good people deserve to be in the final four. How do you determine who's good, and who is bad?" Awesome. "You've also said that you believe what happens in the Big Brother house is in God's hands. Do you believe that he did not want you to win?" What was brilliant was Julie's utterly innocent face. The answers to these questions are, of course, irrelevant. Bye bye Amber. Say hi to Dustin and Jen.
Me and my evil eyebrow taunt you from hell, Amber! From HELLLLLLLLLL!
The HOH competition was bizarre. The houseguests had to fill a 16-gallon container with liquid using only a 3-ounce cup. They had to carry their little cup across a very slippery floor that was doused in oil. Julie announced that even if they spilled nothing, they'd have to make so many trips that they'd be walking 7 miles. Talk about cruel and unusual!
Take the pinheads bowling...take them bowling.
The show ended at that point. I know who won but I'm not telling!
Crying count: Five!
Amber comes to terms with God's decisions:
God, I don't doubt you because it makes you angry and I know I probably won't like you if you're angry so I'm going to believe in you and god bless you, God. And I'll see you next week. Kthnxbai.
Jameka comes to terms with God's decisions:
Nothing like the tasty zip of Miracle God. Taste God. Er, Whip God. LOVE GOD. Miracle God.
BB decides it's time to reveal to the houseguests just what Amber and Daniele were up to when they left the house. They all watched Power of 10 together, and it seems like Amber and Daniele were bound by incredibly strict disclosure agreements because they obviously didn't talk about it with each other. How do I know?
ZOMG if she wins like, a million dollars? I'm going to puke and it will be the most ever frustrating of EVER!
But Amber doesn't win:
God, I am coming to terms with your decision.
Jessica gets tired of waiting for Eric to make his move so she asked him for his face in the dark:
It's about time! How many times a girl gotta point to her chest and say, boobies? I mean, I know I'm from Kansas but COME ON!
Eric comes to terms with Jessica's decision:
Hoo mama!
Zach tries to convince Eric to use the veto on him and backdoor Dick or Daniele, if he wins. Eric cleverly and nonchalantly avoids answering:
Mmmm hmmm mmmm MMMmmm. Mmmm.
Eric then wins the veto but doesn't use it on Zach, even though Jessica wanted him to. Dick and Daniele plot against their alliance and discuss getting rid of Jessica, Eric remains faithful and Jessica wonders if they made a huge mistake by not taking advantage of the opportunity.
Crying count: Two! (plus a bonus of Amber from Power of 10, see above)
The house banded together to get rid of Jen (I miss you already!) and Dick led everyone in a round of applause.
If you're an ass and you know it...
On her way out, Jen reminded Amber to tell Jessica something. That something turned out to be some information about Eric having a girlfriend outside of the house named Sheryl. Amber told Jessica and Eric, who suddenly looked super guilty. Seriously, I want to play poker with this guy and his telltale eyebrow. Eric took Amber aside later on and explained to her that Sheryl...pfft! Whatevs, Sheryl! It's so off again on again that Eric doesn't even know and I totally tuned out. Dude, WHY WOULD YOU TELL THIS TO JEN? And since when are Eric and Amber so close? Weird. Anyway, Eric explained about Sheryl to Jessica who was like, whatevs! And I was like, whatevs! And America was like, whatevs.
God speaks through Amber, his vessel: And Jessica shall win HOH...
So Amber says to God, she says, please let her win HOH this week, but if it's not his will, then let Jessica win it. So then Amber says to Jameka, she says, she prayed to God that she didn't want to win HOH, she wanted to win next week and that he should instead make Jessica win. They postulated together that they were safe, and then they loved the Lord for making them so, they loved him so very, very much.
In the HOH room, Dick revealed that he thought Jessica was cute. EW. Dick, no.
My dad? He's like, so acting like my dad, and like? What if I don't want to take my vitamins? And like, what if I don't want to put on a sweater? Like, it's like, so frustrating!
Daniele and Dick get into yet another fight because Dick is trying to be too dad-like where she doesn't feel he has the right. Daniele is so frustrated that she confides in Zach. She later confides in Dick and tells him she is sick of his parenting and his farting all the time. My dad likes to farting all the time, farting all the time...uh, sorry.
I'll take off the knee socks if you stop wearing the wallet chain
It's an Everybody Eats week at Chez Frere Grand, so they had their first luxury competition. The prize was a shopping spree. Everyone got dressed up in warm-up gear, then Jessica explained they'd all be getting naked because they needed to spell words and the letters were on their clothes.
Ali G say: Respek. Booyakasha.
The men and women got on opposite sides of the playing field and the bubbles started up. Amber was first to get buck, the men spelled goat for no reason at all, the women won, Jameka was liberated by her nudity.
And I shall call them, Mini Naked Me!
And then Dick said something gross about wanting to see Jessica naked. EW! Dick, just no.
Winners! Woo!
After the competition, Jameka and Amber discuss how Amber is going to be a model. Amber wants to be on ANTM and she's serious. Listen, I don't mean to bash anyone for how they look, but some of us are just not models. But Amber is getting really into it and she is starting to believe it's a good idea. And Jameka keeps encouraging her! I don't understand these two women at all.
Jessica makes her nominations, Amber and Zach. This means that Eric completed his America's Bitch task and that Amber is going to cry.
Crying count: JUST ONE!
Are you there God? It's me, Amber. God, I swear I'm not mad. God bless you, God!
Buckle up, people, this is going to be a bumpy ride. Ugh. Julie Chen opens the show in a fancy black cocktail dress. Goth meets the jet set. Mourning the inevitable loss of Jen, perhaps?
My smile is pained because I just saw the live feeds where Daniele and Amber talk about how all Asian people are stingy.
Maybe you shouldn't say things like that when this Asian is married to the president of the network, bitches.
Daniele and Jen exchange a few words after the nomination ceremony. Jen goes to the workout room and Dick follows her, so he can rub her nomination in and explain to her why she shouldn't be on the show. Apparently Dick and Daniele think that Jen's there for the wrong reasons. Jen is trying to explain herself but Dick isn't listening, as usual. Jen points out to Dick that there's no way she'll vote for Daniele to win, which temporarily renders him speechless. Nice.
In the HOH room, Daniele explains to Jen that she had to put her up because she was her biggest threat. Jen points out how much she's done for D&D already. Then she cries. And then she looks at her tears as if she's never seen anything like them before.
In the backyard, Jen talks about not wanting to go to sequester. Jameka is pissed and says she's degrading the integrity of the game. You know, because of reality television, the word "integrity" has lost all meaning. Jen goes inside and puts her all her clothes in bags and stows them in various drawers. Then she starts cooking a burger, even though she is on slop. Oh dear. Then, in secret, she takes all of Dick's cigarettes, crushes them and bleaches them. Is this really any worse than someone squirting mustard on someone's clothes? Probably not. Dick becomes suspicious, but it's too late; he sees his smokes have disappeared. He calls her a bitch and goes outside and starts in on her. She just walks away, per her usual defense. Next, Dick starts looking for his smokes and instead finds the clothes Jen had squirreled away. He takes them and locks them in the HOH room.
More fighting between Dick and Jen, more name-calling. Jen looks like she's been crying. Later that night, Jen comes outside laughing and smiling and starts eating her burger and an apple. The other houseguests are scandalized. Now everyone Diary Rooms that she is a cheat. Who cares? Any punishment she gets is in your favor, dummies. Jen is called to the DR and is given a "penalty vote" for tonight's vote.
Later, Dick makes fun of Jen outside and then blows smoke directly in her face. She jumps up and slaps at his cigarette. He starts yelling, "Don't touch me," she says "Don't blow smoke in my face," and then as she grabs at the air around him, he pokes her with the cigarette and burns her. She starts crying and screaming. He screams back and raises his arm and she flinches and it is fucking horrifying. Jameka takes her to the bathroom to clean up and calm down while Dick laughs in the backyard. Really, really appalling and hateful behavior.
You can see the burn mark on her hand here.
This is so awful.
Keep it up, Dick. Your family must be so proud.
"You will marry Eric and live in New York and drive a Suburban. YAY!"
Oh god. Now we get to see Amber and Daniele go on their trip to NYC for Power of 10. Hey, guess who's going to be the support person for Daniele? Yep. Nick. I'm puking. So, is it safe to assume that Daniele's boyfriend has dumped her?
HEY! How'd that get there?
OMG their makeup person is the same girl I had!!
"Really, sweetie? God talks to you? That's fascinating. And not at all psychotic."
Julie checks in live with the houseguests. Daniele looks like an anorexic banana. Julie asks Jen about making BB history with her penalty. She laughs and then everyone gives her dirty looks. It sucks. Julie scares the shit out of Eric by telling him he has some explaining to do. Eric looks like he's going to pass out and then she asks him why he's always dressing up like a girl. Good one, Julie!!
By the way, I'm annoyed we didn't see how long the abuse of Jen went on. It continued for like two days, with Dick, Eric and eventually Amber making derisive comments about her constantly and getting in her face and fighting with her. BB replaced Dick's smokes, but as of this afternoon I don't think Jen had gotten all of her clothes and makeup back. She's cried, vomited and tried to keep her head up. She even baked the girls banana bread this morning, but Dick kept shutting off the oven. This sort of mob mentality is extremely upsetting and I hope they're all embarrassed when they see the way they behaved.
"This game is so fun."
Jen's speech to the houseguests is basically that she's happy she's leaving. Good. Jameka's speech includes the word "integrity," and I shut off the television so I can go bang my head against the wall.
The voting starts and Jen is evicted unanimously. No surprise there.
Upon the news that she's been voted out, Jen is all smiles. Everyone but Dick, Eric and Jessica hug her goodbye. Eric tells her that as happy as she is to be leaving, they're happier to see her go. And Eric can officially kiss my fat ass. Douche. Jen poses at the front door when he says this and purrs, "That's perfect." Awesome.
"Oh, and I hope you all fucking die. I have to leave now. I need to get some warts removed."
As she leaves the house to talk to Julie, Jen is all, "Wow, fun!" In the house, Dick congratulates himself and everyone talks shit about Jen. The goodbye messages to Jen aren't actually hateful. They must have been edited beyond belief. Daniele needs to shut up, by the way.
Why couldn't they have been nicer to her the past few days? They all suck. All of them. Even Zach, who was decent to her, but he was doing it mostly to get her jury vote, I imagine.
Jen's legs are quite something.
HOH competition! If Dick wins, I'm going to cut off my own head with a butter knife. The houseguests are all sitting in dunk tanks and I'm already loving it. Jen gets to push the button that dumps them in the water. Heh. It comes down to Dick and Jessica, agggghhh. And the winner is...Jessica. Better than Dick, but that means that Dick and Daniele will be safe for another week. And that makes me mad.
So. Goodbye, Jen. I hated you in the beginning, but I eventually became fascinated with you. You're one of kind, you strange creature. I don't have anyone to root for now. Here's a little photo, for old time's sake.
Crying Count: Three. All Jen Edition.
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Woobies, motorcycles, game shows, boobies, and visions of god - just another day in the Big Brother house...
Some lithium would do her a world of good.
After the nominations, Amber tells us she is going to bust out of her cape and that good people can win this. The fuck? Eric follows Jameka and Amber to the bathroom and says he's sorry they were put up. He needs to back the hell off with this innocent act - and Jameka tells us so in the DR.
Jen and Jessica talk idly in the hammock, wondering what Dick and Daniele are up to. Jen wonders if Daniele is trying to backdoor anyone. Oh, Jen. You poor thing.
In a silly bit of filler, we find out that apparently Jessica is attracted to dudes that can wrestle. Eric can wrestle! He and Jessica play around, Eric showing her some moves and it's all so adorable in such an awkward way. It's killing me. Oh, here comes Zach to cockblock! And then he tells us that he was cockblocking simply for his own amusement. For some reason, that cracks me up. As he and Jessica fart around, her boobs end up right in his face and he laughs and she simply says, "Boobies." Eric gets jealous and you can tell because his voice cracks. I wonder if he knows he makes those awful faces when he's upset.
uh, ha ha HA HA.
Out in the hammock, Amber and Jameka whisper and scheme. Have you noticed, though, that their "schemes" involve doing absolutely nothing? I swear to every god in the universe, if these two end up as the Final Two, I'm going to go on a killing spree. They talk about odds being against them, how they are so persecuted and suffering. I wouldn't be surprised if they start building a cross soon. Oh, get this - Amber tells Jameka that she had a vision that she will win the POV. For the love of pete. GOD IS TALKING TO AMBER, YA'LL. Nobody is freaked out by the fact that Amber is openly admitting to having visions and hearing voices? Also, Amber tells us that she's not going to cry anymore. Excuse me while I go fetch my eyes, which have rolled clean out of my head.
Time for America's Bitch! To whom will Eric give the woobie? Eric and his eyebrow can't stop laughing. He has to give it to Jessica and he is sooooooooooooooooo excited. He even says, "America loves me!" Oh Eric, don't say that, they'll turn against you again. So, he gives it to Jessica and it's actually quite sweet and touching. Again, I feel horrible knowing that Jessica is going to see this and know Eric was lying to her.
Daniele and Zach are in the HOH talking about how long they've been locked up in the house. Daniele is sick of everyone. Shocker. Shut up, Daniele. I know this sounds very high-school, but she is SO two-faced. She complains about Jen and they talk about how they're "so over her." Whatever. Jen's our only entertainment here, Bones.
Time to pick players for the Veto competition! Ugh, here we go. Wouldn't it be awesome if Amber drew God's name from the bag? Also, the two top finishers in this competition will also win a mystery trip out of the house! Big fun! Daniele picks Dick, who reacts oh so maturely by laughing in everyone's faces, Amber picks Jessica, and Jameka picks Zach. Eric and Jen are totally depressed.
Before the competition, Amber blathers more to Jameka about god and her visions. Seriously, she is bordering on psychotic at this point. She needs meds.
So, here goes the Veto competition. The yard is full of motorcycles. Jessica thinks motorcycles are cool. In case you're keeping score, so far the things Jessica thinks are cool are sweetbreads, wrestling, marines, woobies, and motorcycles. Good to know. The competition is pretty much a Power of 10 cross-promotion, where the houseguests have to guess what percentage of BB viewers answered questions a certain way. I'm surprised they didn't have Drew Carey come in and guest-host. Heh. I can just see him on the phone with his manager, screaming, "FUCK, no!"
Percentage of Americans who have had quite enough Dick for one summer, thank you.
The competition comes down to only Amber and Daniele, and Amber is completely falling apart. And the winner is...Daniele! You guys, God totally lied to Amber. He is so gangsta. That's what I love about him.
Jameka tells a stricken Amber that God is just crazy like that. Yeah. Yeah, he is. Amber continues to cry in the backyard, sitting and sobbing, "Why?" Her crying looks incredibly fake and she is doing it directly into the camera. She is so full of righteousness, I can't believe she doesn't choke on it.
Girl, you have no idea.
Dick tries to hug Daniele in congratulations and she blows him off, bringing him to the bathroom and telling him that she wants to use her POV on Amber in exchange for their safety.
Amber and Daniele talk and Amber tells Daniele she's open to a deal. After previously telling Jameka that she wouldn't agree to anything ridiculous, Amber pretty much offers up everything she's capable of – Daniele won't be put up, Daniele won't be backdoored, she swears on her daughter, she'll vote however they want her to, and that Amber will never ever put her up. The editors even put in a little "ka-CHING!" every time Amber hands Daniele another gift. Daniele is in the Diary Room all, "IS SHE KIDDING ME?"
At the POV ceremony, Daniele uses the Veto on Amber, effectively rendering Amber's vision true. Jen's all, "o crap." She takes her place as the replacement nominee, grimacing and rolling her eyes.
Gah! ZOMBIE JEN!
Oh, and Amber and Daniele's mystery trip is to NYC to be contestants on Power of 10. You have got to be kidding me. Who would have thought I'd have something in common with Amber and Daniele?
Crying Count: Six! All Amber Edition! Again!
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On the latest episode of Big Brother 8, we go from black and white to color, and Jessica tells us she's glad she was able to get rid of Dustin without getting her hands dirty. Then Eric tells us with a smile that he (and we) have blood on our hands. Make up your mind, Lady Macbeth.
Who's the weirdo freak whose eyes always leak?
After Dustin's eviction, Eric goes into the bathroom and apologizes to Jameka. She can hardly look at him.
Amber and her muffintop (seriously, Amber, look into a mirror) tell us in the Diary Room that she got totally played and that she's never played anyone in the house. Sigh. The self-righteousness, it burns. She is crying. And the sky is blue. Jameka and Amber talk about how much it sucks to be them right now. Amber tells us she needs to pull herself together. GOOD LUCK, Weepy McSobbington.
NOT bringing sexy back.
Then - and you're going to love this - Amber tells us that she purposely answered wrong in the HOH competition. She knew the answer was six (which would have been False) but she answered True because seven is her lucky number. Let me repeat that for you. She KNEW the correct answer was False, but she answered True because of her lucky number. Did she think her lucky number had the ability to change reality? Did she think a piano would fall out of the sky and kill Daniele, making her HOH by default? People, she is a FREAK.
Well, it finally happened. Her eyes are now completely swollen shut. Perhaps that explains the miniskirt...
Daniele and Dick gloat for awhile in the Diary Room, and Amber insincerely congratulates Daniele on the win.
I miss Nick! I mean, my boyfriend. I mean, food.
Eric pats himself on the back for his alliance w/Dick and Daniele. Daniele jokes around with him and Jessica that she's going to put them up anyway. Eric laughs and then suddenly looks at her out of the side of his face and it's really frightening.
Oh god. Daniele's HOH is open for business. We see more pictures of her family, everyone with unfortunate hair. Zach points out to us there are no photos of Daniele's boyfriend, but there is a letter from Nick. A letter from Nick, it must be noted, written on pink scrapbook paper with stickers and glitter and lots of smiley faces and hearts and BFFs everywhere. Eric is simply hysterical over this in the Diary Room. Also, Daniele has Blistex in her treat basket. Um. Oh, and poor Daniele's Boyfriend.
He also spritzed the paper with Luv's Baby Soft.
Okay. Now we're seeing Jameka put in Amber's braids, even though we saw those braids and the blessed removal of said braids a week ago. Amber asks Jameka if she knows what "charismatic" means, and Jameka goes "mmmmhmmm" and Amber says "Am I? Charismatic?" and Jameka goes "mmmmmhmmmmmm" and then some totally hilarious redneckesque banjo music starts so I know that this conversation is going to get stupider and stupider.
Jameka explains to us that Amber does not know what a lot of words mean. She does not say, but you know she's thinking it, that Amber's brain is completely fried from crystal meth. Other words Amber does not understand: ridicule, superficial, integrity, backdoor, outed, suballiance, perceive, implication and peanut gallery. Jameka also does not understand what peanut gallery means and infers that it means "he eats peanuts." Then the editors win an Emmy for putting in audio of the peanut gallery laughing at them. Ohmigah, that was incredible.
But enough of laughing at Amber's mental disability - it's BEER PONG TIME!!! Jessica RULZ at beer pong. Now the bets begin. These bets mostly involve Eric in drag. He has to wear Jen's booty shorts. Then he wears Jessica's premiere night outfit. With matching headband. I can't believe it fits him so well!
"I'm strangely attracted to myself."
In one of the bedrooms, Amber, Jameka and Dick talk. Dick explains how he knew he would stay once he was up against King Dustin. He wants to know if Dustin volunteered to go up, and then calls him an idiot. I can't really argue with that. After Dick leaves, the two girls realize that Eric, Jessica, Daniele and Dick are in an alliance. "Wow," says Jameka. Pretty much. So what are you going to do about it, Jesus Lady? As we will see later in the show - nothing.
And now it's time for a food competition - toga party! You know that Jen has been waiting her jentire life to wear a toga. Alternatively, Dick looks like he just escaped from the dementia unit at a nursing home. The competition is SLOP PONG and Jessica, natch, is thrilled. Our winning team is Eric, Zach, Dick and Jessica.
Someone put Grandpa back in his room.
After everyone comes in, we get our first table shrink of the season. Everyone says, "Awww, table!" and marvels over it. Wow, these people need to get out more.
Dick ribs Eric and Jessica about their mutual attraction. Eric looks like he's going to pass out from bliss. In response, Jessica goes with what works and immediately takes off her sweatshirt. Eric's eyes shoot out like a cartoon and we hear a "AH-OOOOOOOOOGAH!" honk. Not really.
Daniele and Jen talk in the HOH and it goes like this, "are you, like, I'm like, 'cause, hmmm, yeah, um, like, you know, uh huh, mmmm, yah."
Hey, it's time for America's Bitch (tm Jeremy)! Eric has to get Amber nominated. Looks like America is back on Eric's side. And NOT on the side of THE CRAZY.
By the way, all the goodwill I might have had for Big Bang Theory is officially gone. Thanks, CBS, for showing that commercial so much that I want to kick the entire cast in the face.
Nomination time! It's Amber and Jameka! No big shock here. Cue WeepFest 2007. Daniele kisses both their asses and says she knows she couldn't win against either of them because they are both so well-liked. If you say so, Daniele. Although don't forget, Amber scored the highest out of ANYONE on the psychological profile, people, she is, like, the nicest and most amazing human being on the face of the earth! It's so funny, now that we have really seen the true Amber, it's not hard to believe that the person who gave her that test was just agreeing with her, as one does with a child. "Yes, dear, of course you are the most beautiful princess in all the land."
Anyway. According to Amber in the Diary Room, God told her that she is going to win POV. I wonder how he told her. Burning bush? She saw the Virgin Mary's face in the slop? Loosen up the necklace, Amber, it's cutting off your air supply.
Daniele tells us that the real plan is to backdoor Jen. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Crying Count: Four! All Amber Edition!
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I don't have much to add since the screencaps say it all, except that last night's ep was surreal and hysterical. While I knew Dustin was going home as soon as Eric opened his directive, I wasn't expecting him and Dick to make a pact! Dick got balls, yo. Dick got balls.
The shock on Dustin's face was almost too much, though. I have to say I felt really bad for him, sitting there next to Julie. And since he's going to sequester, she can't tell him about Eric being America's Player.
Let's see...what else? I really enjoyed that Amber had apparently never before heard the saying, "A stitch in time saves nine."
Here are some Big Brother screencaps to keep you entertained.
Hells YEAH I volunteered myself as a pawn. What could possibly go wrong?
Oh, right.
You guys know that, had he still been in the house, this little man would have spent the morning riding around on top of Nick's shoulders. And loving every minute of it.
"No, seriously, Julie, I FELL OUT OF A TREE."
My God, why hast thou forsaken me?
I am a crazy crackwhore - true or false?
Crying Count: Three! Plus one fake!
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Since Jessica nominated both Dick and Daniele, Dick wanted to ensure Daniele was going to stay by making the house hate him so completely that they were forced to vote him out. He accomplished this by grabbing a pot lid and a utensil and started banging his homemade drum very early in the morning.
Good morning, starshine. A Dick says, "Hello."
At first I thought it was all grand hilarity, but then I started getting really embarassed just watching him. And then I started getting really annoyed. I know he's just trying to make everyone angry, but I've heard him refer to Dustin as Princess more than enough times. And every time he makes kissing noises I feel like vomiting.
The Veto competition was icky croquet. The competing houseguests earned turns by doing shots of nasty, chunky blended "drinks." It looked like Dustin was going to win until Dick pulled it out of freaking NOWHERE by one point on his very last turn. Daniele was thrilled but played it cool, since she didn't want to alienate herself further.
At first I was impressed with Dustin's performance, but then I remembered that he used to go out with Joe. After that, swallowing ANYTHING is a snap! What?
OR DID SHE? Shortly afterward she flipped out crying and screaming about how it was so unfair that she was being judged for her father's actions and SO HARD and it SUCKS SO BAD and SO FRUSTRATED and NOT FAIR and WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU JAMEKA and sometimes I think her voice sounds just like Daryll Hannah's voice did in Splash when she spoke in Mermaid Language and destroyed all of the televisions in the department store.
Awwwwwkward!
Then she went into the diary room and said it was all strategy but I don't believe that at all.
Here's a shot of Daniele reacting to her father harassing everyone in the house. Just thought I'd point that out, seeing as she screamed and yelled about how she doesn't condone her father's behavior.
America's Player time! Oh man, America hates Eric so much that they're making him give Jessica the silent treatment. I think this is both hysterically funny and a total bummer. Half the time I don't understand why Eric isn't just giving America the finger and playing his own game.
Thanks, fuckers.
Anyway, this probably wouldn't have been much of a big deal except for the fact that Jessica obviously doesn't know how to parse information by herself. Jen suggested that perhaps Dustin and Dick had a secret deal together, and Jessica totally came unglued. She approached Eric to discuss it, but he was busy pretending to be sick. So she went away, visibly shaken, and came to the conclusion that not only did Dustin and Dick have a scorching secret alliance, but that Eric was in on it too! My head is all hurty.
Duh-duh-DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!
Eric failed his objective by TELLING Jessica he couldn't talk to her. Duh much?
At the ceremony Dick used the Veto on his daughter, and Jessica nominated Dustin.
Crying Count: Four! Plus one fake!
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To the utter dismay of Daniele and Dick, Jessica won HOH and for the first time in a week, Eric relaxed. There was much celebrating, which meant that it's ooooon like hot buttered popcoooooorrrn and this set Dick completely off. He started off with Amber but then moved on to Jameka and attacked her Christianity. Jameka employed a charming little clapping thing which apparently was to keep her from punching Dick in the face, and then she said, "Yo' momma." Dustin came charging out from nowhere, and screamed right in Dick's face. Then Jameka started singing the "I Love You, God" song, which I had never heard before. All's I know is she looked fabulous in that dress.
Then we got to see Jessica's HOH room. Somehow this prompted Dick to point out that Jessica bleaches her hair and has fake boobs and that he plans to call her out on it. Why...only your daughter is allowed to have fake boobs? WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?
Jameka decided to try to psych Dick out by just watching him in the kitchen. Then Amber joined her and the three of them started yelling at each other. Dustin watched quietly from the sidelines. Amber took a lot of strength from Jameka and the fact they were ganging up on Dick together, but not long afterward she was in the HOH room weeping (surprise) about everything Dick said, with headphones on (presumeably so she wouldn't have to listen to herself), talking to God. Asking God to make her better in competitions. Natch.
Daniele, realizing that she has no friends, extended the olive branch to Jen and they promised each other that they'd stick together and team up with Zach. During the food competition (smashing guitars) Dick won a slop pass and tried to give it to Daniele but she motioned toward Jen and so he gave it to her. Last week, he gave her some iced tea on her head. This week he's rescuing her from slop. Amber did pretty well, though, because God in his infinite wisdom told her which guitars to smash.
At one point Dick and Daniele shared a conversation where he was going to try to get himself evicted so that she would not have to go. Because he is a LOVING and CARING dad, making the ultimate sacrifice so his daughter can have a better life. And she seemed okay with that.
This week, Zach enjoyed his bunny suit so much and postulated that it has charmed Jessica into possibly dating him after the show. Amber pointed out that Zach is sad in his bunny suit, forgetting entirely that she looks like a tool in those braids.
Eric went to the Diary Room to get his latest assignment and found out that America officially hates him and is trying to screw him over. America wants Eric to get Dustin nominated! How the hell is he supposed to suggest Dustin without coming off like a total asshole? But then Dustin got so angry with Dick that he shouted "White trash dad!" at him and then suggested he be put up against Dick because it would be fun to watch the house choose him over Dick. Then the show cut out because it was delayed and we missed the nomination ceremony. We know she nominated Dick and Daniele, but didn't get to hear the big speech.
This episode was sorely lacking in Jen. More Jen, please!
Talk in the forums!
Maggie: I think Eric is c ryin.
Debbie: I wantg Eric to saty.
Maggie: ERick is a gy.
Debiie: Amb er is a racistg horel
Maggie: so yeah. She is gtotaly.
I hope Erick hates her because he is a Jew (because Amber sayd Jew things in live fees).
Debbie: So then Aric and Emb er and afight.
Maggie: And Amber said, "How dar you, tell peope abot I am a drub addict and I cxon't care if my baby isdead from mm yt boyfriends' b aby and I lied and how dare you use this shit about me even if I am such a crazy hore fuckioln liar!"
Debbie" ADN ERic said, "..."
Maggie: ANd holy fuck. Because she scramed and it's dick's fault because he's a dirty bplayr.
Debbie: I don't know.
Maggie:They voted.
Debbie: Amber swore on the daughter.
MAggie: Sop going to hell.
Debbie: And they were bunnies.
Maggie: Taste god, yo. He's a gangsta.
Debbie: TGhatg's why I love him.
Baggie: Jessica is the cleverest of them all!!!!!
Debbeu: Is she?
Maggie: ha ha she's so
Debbie: Yeah.
Maggie: Eric love his girfirend Jessica lover her she is his only salvation.
Debiie: Jess HOH. Jeenn and Zac h up for evictgon.
Maggie: I anm hoping for amber and Dick are up.
Yeh! Chim in at forumsyoubitcheas! Firu,ms!
ps were'e durnk.
[Sorry bunnies, no screencaps for the rest of the week. Forgive me.]
We start off this week right after Daniele's nominations, and Jen and Kail both tell us how unconcerned they are to be nominated. Dick tells them both that they should be worried; that this time it's sticking. And Jen starts laughing and dancing in front of him. Dick calls her an idiot and it just rolls right off her. By the way, Dick has tiny little lady feet. He tells Jen nobody likes her. She says "Okay." There is a dead silence, and suddenly Daniele sings, "Awwwkward," while stuffing her mouth full of chips.
Eric tells us that he knows he only needs to secure four votes to stay in the house. He and Jessica tell Dustin and Amber about Dick and Daniele's plan to backdoor him. I am going to call Dick and Daniele "DD" from now on, okay? Good. Anyhoo. Jessica is finally interesting to me, as she tells them Daniele's exact plan and how she is going to play along and vote for Eric to stay anyway. She immediately wins over Dustin and Amber, who are happy someone is sharing information with them. The Anti-DD alliance is officially underway.
Later, in the kitchen, Eric could not look more suspicious as he quietly tries to tell Jameka the plan about backdooring him. She does her "mmmmm hmmmmmmmmm" and wanders away. In the yard, she tells Amber that god hasn't written the game for DD to "prevail" over them. How does she know that? A lot of times evil really does win (see: Dick Cheney, Paris Hilton, etc.).
In the HOH Room, Zach tells Daniele that she is his only friend in the house. Um, yeah, Zach, you keep thinking that. Daniele tells Zach that "THIS WEEK IS FOR NICK!" He's not dead, you know. Zach tells her he'll play for Veto for her and he wants to be on her side.
Eric, Dustin and Jessica are in the bathroom basically declaring war on DD. Dustin says it will be a "bloodbath." Eric says DD are digging their own graves. Ugh, I hate when the majority in the house starts getting bloodthirsty like this because it means they're going to either take control and become totally obnoxious (see: Nerd Herd) or they're going to implode and give themselves away and never accomplish anything.
Everyone pulls balls to play for the POV. Blah blah. Daniele picks Zach. Jen picks Dustin. Kail gets Houseguest's Choice and picks Jameka. Heh. Is it really God's will if Kail picks the player herself? Daniele picks Amber to host. Amber can't read very well.
This looks like the bidding competition where Kaysar ended up shaving his head. Jen is concerned about having to shave her head. I begin to pray - oh god up in heaven and sweet baby jesus, please let Jen have to shave her head. Little do I know it is going to be SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT. The first task is wearing a bunny suit for a certain amount of hours. Dustin is eliminated with the lowest bid. Eric is annoyed with him. Jen is thrilled that she will get to wear a bunny suit. Of COURSE she is. The next item is getting some gross funk dumped on you a certain number of times. Everyone bids the highest, 24. The next item is bidding on winning $10K and getting eliminated from the competition. Everyone bids zero. Even Zach!
The next item is eating slop for the next 30 days. Daniele looks like she might die. However, Zach's bid is lowest and he is eliminated. Kail and Jen are now on slop for a month. Next item is giving up participation in HOH competitions. Now Daniele is REALLY struggling. She's eliminated with a low bid. Jen, Kail and Jameka all bid the highest, five. Jen is really freaked out that Jameka is playing so hard. Daniele goes and cries behind a bush.
Our last item is a tough one - giving up some of the end prize money. Everyone is very concerned about this one. Jameka bids that she woudl give up $10K, Kail says $248,999, and Jen says $250,000. And she wins the Veto. HA! That is unbelievable. She just gave up half her money! Eh, she's an obvious famewhore anyway. She's not in this for the money.
Dick is THRILLED that Jen won because now they can put up Eric. What a difference a week makes, eh?
After the competition, all the bunny people start getting dressed. Meanwhile, Jameka is crying to Amber in the yard. She finally realized that she can't be HOH for five weeks and she won't get any pictures or letters from home for at least five weeks. Aw, that's kind of sad. Amber tells her that God did this for a reason. I missed the part where God "did this," the part where God held a gun to Jameka's head and made her give up her HOH chances. Amber is still talking but all I hear is yaddyayayayayadljfdsjdklfj;sdfjsdfj. Shut up.
Jameka is walking around the yard, sobbing, shouting, "OH MY GOD." What the hell? Is she going to start speaking in tongues? Then she simply drops to her knees and begins praying. I think she is having a nervous breakdown. Medic! Now, people, pay attention, because here is where the magic happens. As Jameka is literally praying to the garden hose, crying and passionately asking the lord for forgiveness, Jen walks right through the frame in her bunny suit, saying, "Um, can we get WHITE belts in here, please?" I have now peed myself laughing. She is a gem. A JEM! Sweet fancy Moses, but I love her. Jameka tells god her flesh is weak but her spirit is willing. She says, "Taste God, taste God." What on earth is going on here? Do she and God need some alone time? It's getting really disturbing. And then, THEN, Jen walks back into frame in her bunny suit and announces, "And now! I'll hide the eggs." Man, just when I think it can't get any better, it sooooooo does.
Daniele and Jen talk in the HOH room. Daniele asks her to please vote to keep Kail. Jen asks her if she wants to backdoor Eric and does that "heh" thing she does. Daniele says that Dick will kill Jen if she tells anyone about the Eric plan. Um, Daniele, everyone knows about this plan now, FYI.
Outside, later on, Dick tells Jen to lay off Daniele and in return, he will lay off her. Whatever, Dick. He apologizes to Jen (again, whatever) and they decide to call a truce. He is only doing this because he needs her vote. Assface. But it's not like Jen cares or anything. Dick tells Jen about Eric and his evil strategic genius, blaming him for everything bad that's happened between them. I'm not sure how Dick hating Jen has anything to do with Eric, but whatever, Dick. Jen is in the Diary Room in her bunny suit and she's so cute. What did I just say?
We see a montage of everyone pouring the funk on their heads. It's non-eventful and stupid. I'm sorry, but I am loving these bunny suits. LOVING THEM. They should be mandatory next season.
In the kitchen, Dick is telling Jessica LIES. LYING LYING LIES. He says that Jen confirmed that she was in alliance with Eric. Oh, Dick. You are so stupid. Jess goes right to Jen and starts to talk to her about Eric. Jen tells her that, yeah, Eric's a liar and plays everyone. Jessica tells Jen that she is shocked to hear this about Eric. I think she is kidding, until she goes to Dustin and tells him that she believes Dick and Daniele. Dustin is all, "I don't buy it." She tells Jameka and she says she doesn't buy it either. Oh my god. I can't believe Jessica is falling for this shit. Jess cries in the hallway. Fuck. This is not good.
But no! Help is on the way! It's America's Player Time! Eric must convince Jessica he will take her to the Final Two. Oh god. Is she going to listen to him? In the gym, Jessica tells Eric the stuff Jen was saying. Eric points out that Jen will basically say anything to stay in the game. Jessica agrees to go to Final Two with him. So does this mean she is cool now?
More funk dumping. Dick stands there and laughs. Jen tells us that the funk doesn't smell that bad. Except like manure. Which is kind of bad. And then she scrunches up her face and I want to kiss her. I don't even know who I am anymore.
Dick confronts Eric in the hot tub. He calls Eric a liar and talks about his supposed alliance with Jen and Kail. Eric is all, "Fine, whatever, go tell everyone your theory." Dick gets angrier and angrier, as he does when people don't react to him. Dick screams and yells about Nick. Man, Nick is a LEGEND at this point. Eric points out that Dick could have voted for Nick to stay. Dick's head blows up and flies into space. On its way up, it spits, "You're going up, bitch." Eric starts addressing Daniele instead, telling her that her father is making a very bad decision.
In the bathroom, Dustin asks Daniele to put her dad up for eviction, for the sake of peace in the house. Oh rly? Daniele freaks the fuck out. She threatens in the Diary Room to put Dustin up. Oh, as if.
Time for the Veto ceremony! Jen saves herself, duh. Daniele puts up Eric. No one is surprised, which kind of makes me happy, because Daniele was obviously expecting everyone to start screaming.
Eric yells at us in the Diary Room about how this whole thing is going to blow up in DD's faces. Kail tells us that she's nervous she will end up going home, even though Daniele promised she wouldn't. Dick is all smug and self satisifed about how awesome he is and how retarded the LNC is. He's dead to me. Jessica tells us she looks forward to all the butt-kissing heading her way.
That's all for now. My next recap will be a joint recap with Maggie, as I will be visiting her! Here's hoping the recap is drunken!
Crying Count: Three! (although I bet Eric cried into his pillow at some point this week)
1 - Daniele, after elimination from Veto
2 - Jameka, to Amber and then all over the yard
3 - Jessica, in the hallway, wondering if Eric is playing her
This week on Big Brother, America apparently decided to show Eric what they thought of America's Choice, and just may have destroyed his game. Bummer, but nobody ever said this show was fair. Also, in the absence of Nick, Daniele believes herself to be some sort of strategic mastermind. Okay, then.
We start off with a recap of Thursday's show that seems to last for HOURS. Then, we're right where we left off at the HOH competition, where the houseguests are hanging upside down and getting pooed on. Then we get a group of DR sessions. I feel like every show starts out with Kail in the DR, doing that weird thing where she talks in a high voice and keeps shifting her eyes back and forth. Tonight is no exception. Jessica tells us that "the poop was very slick." I vomit a little bit. After more bird poo, Jen cries, "How fun!" You cannot torment the Jen. You just can't.
The HOH contest continues. Amber drops six minutes in. HA! Loser.
Six minutes. She must be EXHAUSTED. I guess dehydration takes a lot out of you.
Soon after, Eric DQs for pulling himself up too high (according to feed watchers, Kail did this too, but it went unnoticed?). Jameka drops after ten minutes, and says how "fathomed" she is at how long everyone else stayed on. Wow, this house has a real talent for butchering the English language. Pssst - Jameka - a little less time reading the bible and a little more time reading the dictionary, yes?
OMG! An airplane goes over! It's the triumphant return of the banners! Oh, remember the halcyon days of Big Brother 2 when Will told everyone that he had leukemia and a banner came over the next day that said, "Will is not sick?" Good times. The producers have been preventing the houseguests from seeing the banners, but it's impossible this time, during a competition. The banner says "We heart Nick. Amber and Eric are Liars. LNC is the Nerd Herd." HA!
Somewhere, Howie is smiling.
Amber tells us that "liar" is the worst word anyone could ever use for her. Really? I could think of much worse. At this point, I have the TiVo paused and I really hope that the editors follow this up with a montage of Amber and her lying lies. And crying cries. Sadly, the editors let me down.
My guess? All the lying.
Okay. Eric is SHITTING HIS PANTS. He's really upset and freaking out, pacing around and telling everyone that the banner makes no sense. However, Daniele tells us that after seeing the banner, everything makes a lot more sense. Eric, Jameka and Amber confer on the sidelines of the HOH competition (which is still going) and Eric is nearly crying over the banner issue. The remaining houseguests get pooed on some more and Jen tells us how much fun she's having. She is hysterical. Zach falls, 32 minutes in. Jameka yells to Dick that he is an inspiration to all smokers. Har! Dick tells us that he really wants to beat Jen. Oh, Dick, you are not going to beat Jen. Jen is all things. Jen is the sun and the wind and the stars and hanging upside-down while birds shit on her is just another day for Jen.
Dick falls, 44 minutes in. The only two remaining members of the LNC are Jessica and Daniele. Jessica falls, 59 minutes in. Everyone is cheering for Daniele to win it. Kail tells us she's sad nobody is cheering for her and Jen. Is she new here?
From the sidelines, Dick starts calling Jen a bitch. Jen coos, "All for you..." Getting no rise out of Jen, Dick starts harassing Kail next. He is awful. He makes fun of Kail's religion and Jameka gets pissed. Jen says she wants to lose on purpose so Daniele will get HOH and a letter from her boyfriend. She calls Daniele a "cheat." Oh, god. More poo. Jen tries to make a deal with Daniele. Daniele isn't having it. Suddenly, Eric just starts screaming at Jen to leave Daniele alone. Wow. He's really upset. Everyone sort of backs away from him.
Jen falls, 1 hour and 30 minutes in. Dick tells Jen she got what she deserved. Dick, SHUT UP. Kail and Daniele immediately strike a deal where Daniele promises Kail she won't get evicted, if Kail lets her win. Kail drops, and Daniele wins, after 1 hour and 36 minutes. Obviousky, Dick is thrilled. Ugh.
Jen tells us that she knows she'll go up, but she's not scared because the replacement nominee seems to go home every week. Heh.
Daniele realizes, with a lot of crying and snorfling to her father, that if they had known about the two extra votes for Nick, she and Dick could have saved him. She is really upset about this. Well, that's what you get when you go along with the house and don't vote for what you believe in, huh? She cries that she should have believed Nick when he said he didn't vote for Jen.
Daniele cries, asking Amber if she was the extra vote. She is seriously falling apart. She thinks someone was trying to set her up. Eric comes into the conversation and keeps saying stuff like, "Hahahah, it sure wasn't ME, hahahaha." Ugh, this is HORRIBLE.
Dani's HOH room! We see pictures of her boyfriend. Dustin snottily DRs "Oh, Dani has a boyfriend?" Jen bitches in the DR about Daniele cheating on her boyfriend. Jen, you need to move on from this.
Sorry, Dustin. Only Eric is allowed to pop eyebrows. He and Phil Keoghan. It's CBS policy. You understand.
Dick and Daniele confer in the HOH room, and Daniele tells Dick she's sure Eric was the extra vote. Dick is on the rampage now. He stalks around the house, staring at Eric. Eric comes over to talk to him about the extra vote. Oh god Eric, stop talking about it. He's telling Dick it was probably Jen. Dick can't even look Eric in the eye now. Eric is casting suspicions on everyone. Except Jessica because he LOVES HER. ERIC SHUT UP, STOP IT. Dick gets up, leaves, goes outside and starts talking to himself. "I knew he was lying. I knew he was lying. I knew it, I fucking knew it." He thinks Eric did it to set up Daniele, though. Oh boy.
Dick and Daniele tell Jessica that Eric is the leak. She tells Jessica that Eric is in an alliance with Kail and that he is the secret brains behind it. Um, not really. Daniele tells Jessica that Eric is using her. She says they are going to backdoor Eric and to keep everything secret. So, Jessica goes straight to Eric and tells him everything. AWESOME. Eric is appalled. In the Diary Room, he is screaming and livid. He says, "Bring it on." He looks like he is going to grind down his back teeth into nubs.
Hey, America! YOU SUCK!
Later, Jen visits Daniele in the HOH and tells her it would be funny for to nominate her for the third week in a row. She is such a comedijenne. Then she tells her tha