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Now maybe I can get my soul back. We're down to Adam and Ryan..who will win? The alleged racist, or the dude who got fired for referring to autistic children as retards? It really could go either way.

First. let me say that if I ever see any of these people again, it will be too soon. Every time someone got voted out, my life got happier by a factor of 1, and seeing everyone again in the sequester house all at once, hearing them make those irritating talking sounds...well, it ruined my day. Josh and Chelsia started right in with the obnoxiousness. Sheila showed up just after Josh was insulting her, and I guess she didn't hear him because she gave him a great big hug.

Listening to these clowns debate who deserves $500,000 or evaluate each other's gameplay was painful. They were all so embarrassingly bitter, obviously mugging for the camera and completely full of themselves. Eventually I tuned out. How many times can I listen to the losers whine about how they got screwed and how things aren't fair? IT'S FAIR. Them's the rules, them's the breaks.

I'm not even going to mention the promises to give money to charity. Wait, yes I am. Adam promised to take $100,000 of his winnings and make a big after school program for the kids that watched and rooted for him on Big Brother. Ryan half-heartedly said he'd give something to someone, or something like that.

In the end, Adam won and then swore he'd give $100,000 to the same foundation that supposedly had him fired. Is it these autistic children who have been watching him and rooting for him? How nice for him. Except that there is speculation that the whole thing is a scam anyway, that Adam was never fired because there is no UNIAF and that he and his accomplices set the whole thing up upon learning that Adam was cast as a BB contestant; links here and here.

So I pretty much hate everybody right now, and I'm glad this show is over and I feel dirty for even watching.

So, who's ready for summer Big Brother?

Good evening and welcome to Big Brother! The last time we saw our houseguests, they were kicking off Part One of the Three-Part Final HOH Challenge. They got on boogie boards, grabbed a rope and settled in. Let's see what happens...

Hey, Julie's hair is extra bouncy tonight! She shows us some live footage of Ryan, Adam and Sheila sitting live in the living room, and Sheila looks like someone just killed her puppy. I imagine things haven't worked out for her so well.

We watch the competition play out. Sheila is freezing as the water rushes over her, and the guys are whooping and hollering and generally driving her insane. Go to your happy place, Sheila. Remember your days of soft-focus nudie pictures! We get a DR of Sheila crying over how Adam is her "best friend." HA! Crazy how things turn out. We see the two boys promising to take each other to the end, knowing that Sheila won't be able to win Final HOH. Because she's Sheila. The look in their eyes is terrifying...they can smell the money.

Back at the competition, Sheila is freezing and drops out. Adam and Ryan look at each other with joy. Ryan tells Adam if he drops out, he'll do the dirty work and vote out Sheila. So Adam is out, and Ryan is HOH. So this means that Adam has to beat Sheila in Round Two. Somehow I don't think it will be difficult.

Round Two's competition is something about balls. I don't know. Oh, I see. Each person has to stand in a wheel that contains a maze behind plexiglass and move the wheel back and forth to make the balls fall down in a certain order. Or something. Sheila gets really dizzy and motion-sick and keeps falling down in the wheel. She keeps screaming, "OH MY GOD WHAT A NIGHTMARE!" Adam doesn't seem to be having any problems. He credits his belly for his good performance. Ryan announces the times, and Adam wins (in half the time it took Sheila).

So now we'll have Adam and Ryan compete for Final HOH. Sheila and Adam talk after the competition and Adam tells Sheila he wants to take her to the end. She believes him. Awwwww. So I guess the plan is for Adam to throw the last HOH so that Ryan will be the one to evict Sheila. Ryan and Adam, alone, congratulate each other and Adam comments that he can't even fathom the idea of winning $500K. Ryan DRs that Adam is acting like he has it all wrapped up. Um, no he isn't.

You guys, who the hell would have thought that Adam could win this game? ADAM? Mr. Bug-Eyed Dirty-Jersey I-Work-With-Retards Adam? Yet I still find him more palpable than Evel Dick.

We visit the Jury House and it looks like things aren't going well between Mattie and Nattie. Ugh. Joshuah sticks his big ugly bloated face into the drama. God, I still hate him. Oh - here comes Sharon! When James sees her, he looks like he's going to vomit and poop all at the same time. Mattie is thrilled that Adam and Ryan are still in the house. Chelsia notices on the DVD that Adam and Ryan give each other a little wink as Sharon leaves the house. D'oh! So much for Ryan's speech telling Sharon that he tried to get Adam to keep her. Mattie, of course, thinks it's wicked awesome. Mattie thinks everything is awesome.

Now it's time for Part Three of the HOH competition. It's one of those "Which jury member made this statement?" Remember last year when Dick won this one and kicked over the set? Man, I'm still not done hating him. And Ryan wins the Final HOH. He is very, very pleased. After a break, Adam and Julie plead their cases to Ryan. Sheila cries through her entire speech and all I hear is "Thank yew." Ryan casts his vote to evict, and unsurprisingly, he evicts Sheila. Who responds by sobbing and Adam starts screaming, "BIG HUGS YOUKNOWWHATIMEAN COME ON LSDLKFJDSLFOEURSF!" Then the audio cuts out, so I imagine he followed that up with a stream of profanity.

Julie greets Sheila as if at a funeral - "It's okay. I know it's hard. I know. You look de-va-state-ted." Sheila cries a lot without squeezing out any actual tears. And let me just say I'm really fucking sick of her sobbing about needing the money for herself and her son to "better their lives." BITCH, GET A JOB!

Julie closes out the show with a chat with Ryan and Adam. She refers to them as "the ultimate bromance" and calls them "BFF" and seriously, somewhere Dr. Will and Boogie are laughing.

To find out the winners of Parts 1 and 2 of the HOH competition, see the comments.

It's Eviction Night on Big Brother, even though it's a Tuesday. Yay! The faster we get these people out of here and I get my life back, the better.

This episode is mostly Adam having to kiss a whole lot of ass. Sharon and Shelia are on the block, and if either of them win Veto, Adam will go up by default.

We get some filler of Adam and Sheila being shackled together for 24 hours and Sheila is a total bitch about it. I know, shocker. Adam tortures her the entire time and it's completely entertaining.

Guess what? Ryan wins the Veto. Since he has a "secret alliance" with Sharon, he wants Sheila to get the boot this week. However, Adam will be the sole voter (if Ryan doesn't use the Veto). Ryan decides to threaten Adam by telling him that he, Ryan, has total power and will bounce him out of the house if he doesn't vote out Sheila. At some point during all this, Ryan tells Adam to make some sort of agreement with someone and Adam says, "Dude, I suck at making agreements" and I can't stop laughing.

Because he can't leave well enough alone, Adam goes to Sharon and tells her he'll keep her if she makes a deal to take him to the end. She hesitates and Adam realizes that Sharon's likely got a deal with Ryan. However, Sharon runs to Ryan and tells him about Adam's offer. Uh oh. Ryan and Adam end up yelling at each other in the HOH Room, bro. I have never heard Adam talk so fast. His eyes are bugging completely out of his head. Ryan tells Adam he just can't trust him. Adam responds by choking on his juice box and a whole bunch of "bro" and "you know what I'm sayin'." Yikes. Discord in Bro Town!

So, will Ryan use the Veto? Who will be voted out? Let's watch yet another fucking commercial for "Baby Mama" first. GOD.

Ryan decides not to use the Veto, which means Adam will vote someone out. My guess is that he and Ryan have decided to stick together and Sheila will be going. He should be voting out Sharon. Girl is gonna win. But O SNAP Adam actually makes the correct decision and BOOTS SHARON!

This obviously takes Sheila by surprise because she can't stop crying. Meanwhile, Sharon tells Julie she's kind of shocked to be voted out but la la la, god's plan, wah wah. Some secret alliance there, Sharon. Hey live feed watchers, was Ryan under the impression that Adam was going to vote out Sheila? Anyway, Sharon, thanks for playing the game with class. God knows you were alone in that. Except for the part about maybe getting back together with Jacob. Ew.

And now, the Final HOH competition begins. This is the traditional three-part competition. For Part One, the houseguests have to kneel on a boogie board and hold onto a rope while water rushes past them. Waterboarding, CBS-style! God Bless America!

(As always, please don't discuss the HOH results here. I will open a separate thread.)

The first forty minutes of Big Brother here in NY/NJ was news footage of the Pope at the airport. Seriously.

In fact, one minute we were watching the Pope and the next he morphed into Sheila, sitting in the DR, yelling something about not winning the prize. Then there were cars in the backyard and Cameron Diaz on a big screen and Ashton Kutcher pissing in a sink.

And then Ryan nominated Sharon and Sheila for eviction and Sheila started crying. And then Adam and Sheila were in the Diary Room and they were handcuffed together.

With absolutely no context, it was like watching some sort of performance art.

Baller and Rye Bread, owners of the world's dumbest nicknames ever, got drunk on their own power and decided to call a house meeting in order to destroy Natalie publicly. Seriously, these guys felt so cool about lowering the smack they didn't realize that they would have been way more effective (okay, way more entertaining) if they had just shocked the house by going against the plan. Spoil my fun!

The meeting turned out to be a big free-for-all where the guys yelled at Natalie and made her cry and feel like shit. Very nice. I don't know what they were trying to accomplish since all they did was piss everyone off and create a whole bunch of discord. Sheila went off on the guys in the HOH room and then Adam called her a bitch. Natalie went off on Sharon as though everything were Sharon's fault. Team Christ has fallen from grace.

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice sequester house, James waltzed in, showed everyone the past week's dvd, and rubbed Chelsia's face in some poo. He told her in front of everyone that she was the reason he got kicked out because her exit was so nasty that he became the scapegoat for her behaviour. To my utter delight, Chelsia's smile froze and she ran off to her bedroom, sobbing like the little bitch she really is. But who's the real douchbag here? It's James. Because as soon as he got some satisfaction from passing the buck, he said it's not worth the tears and actually went into Chelsia's room and ASKED HER WHAT'S WRONG. I couldn't believe it. Then he trotted out his "I'm just a poor homeless boy biking around the world for peace" bullshit and next thing I knew Earring Face was giggling and then there was bad touching and I lost my lunch.

Live at the ranch, Ryan and Adam entered the diary room to vote and apparently they've decided to force a tie and make Sheila do the dirty work. Even though I knew this meant that Natalie would be going home I had to laugh because it was kind of poetic; Sheila did the same thing to James a few weeks ago. Sheila said that since Natalie made it clear where her loyalties lay, she has no choice but to send her home. I hope Sharon wins the game and makes these guys feel really stupid.

The HOH competition started in the backyard - a Q&A game where the houseguests had to guess whether or not Julie's statements are fact or fiction. The truth about some burning hot topics were discovered: James' stupid "cube thing" in the guinea pig cage? Meaningless. The number 8? Meaningless. And then the biggest bullshit to ever happen on tv, bigger bullshit than any wardrobe malfunction I have ever seen, happened. BB9? MEANINGLESS.

Julie's last question to the housguests asked if it was fact or fiction that there was still a pre-existing relationship remaining in the house, along the same vein as Sharon's relationship with that freak Jacob or Ryan and his skag, Jen. Ryan stepped forward to indicate he believed so, and Sharon and Adam stepped back to indicate they thought it was false. Julie hesitated giving the answer twice, then declared it true and gave Ryan the point. And the bottom of my tv screen indicated that the pre-existing couple they were referring to was THE FUCKING GUINEA PIGS. This meant that Ryan and Sharon tied and then Ryan won the game through a tiebreaker.

This means one of two things to me. Julie hesitated because she glanced at her cards and thought the answer to the question was totally WRONG (BECAUSE IT IS) but gave it anyway because she didn't know what else to do. OR...the producers didn't want Sharon to win so they fucking changed the answer at the last minute to give Ryan the point. What do you guys think?

So, Adam's on the block and starting to freak out, Natalie keeps cheering Team Christ on whenever Sharon is out of the room, and everyone constantly discusses backdooring Natalie every time she's out of the room. Then, just for fun, the veto competition is announced early and it's going to be at night. "A nite komp!" Natalie says and then dances around with her legs very far apart. Later she secretly assures Adam and Ryan that it will all be okay because she "gets preemies."

The competition is a visual puzzle. Houseguests must correctly arrange nine parts of one picture using a plethora of remote controls. The trick is that there are two sets of pictures, but only one of them can be solved. Natalie goes first, and if the editing is to be believed, it takes her about 3 minutes to realize which set of pictures she needs to work with. Everyone expresses concern that she'll win the veto since she's so great at puzzles. They needn't have worried, her time was over 12 minutes. Adam wins with an impressive 3:20. I guess when you have eyes like that you see EVERYTHING. He yells "What it is!" in celebration, then picks up Sheila and shoves his hand in her asscrack. Natalie thanks god for the blessing of Adam's win. Sigh.

The next day Natalie lounges in the pool and regales the guys with tales of god's plan. Apparently even though she kept trying out for acting, she'd never get roles and now she knows it's because god wanted her to come on tv and BE HERSELF. Meanwhile, Sheila and Sharon sit on the couches and talk about getting rid of Natalie; being ever the sharp tack, Natalie starts to wonder how come Sheila and Sharon are always talking together. Natalie starts to get suspicious. She approaches Sheila later on and Sheila does a pretty good job of reassuring Natalie that she's safe.

Next, it's Sheila's birthday! Whee! Happy 46-almost-47! The rest of the gang set up a little surprise celebration and try to shove as many candles in Sheila's poor cake as they can. They string up a banner and when Sheila comes outside she is totally surprised and it's kind of nice. Then Sheila gets a letter from her mom and starts bawling. Apparently Sheila Bugs and her mom aren't always on the best of terms, so it touches her deeply to get such a lovely letter. But I find it so weird that what really tugs at Sheila's heart is the fact that her mom has been a secret BB fan all these years and now Sheila has something that she and her mom can bond over.

Adam and Sharon later have a private conversation and Sharon says that everyone wants to keep her around to the end because she only has 3 guaranteed votes and can't win. Adam starts thinking hard. Hmmm. Thinking. Hmmm. Hmmm. He talks to Ryan about it, and Ryan points out that Sharon is trying to win, and that she's dangerous because the 3 votes are an asset. Hmmm. Adam thinks again. He says they should ditch her. Ryan says he just wants Natalie gone. Hmmm. Now both guys are thinking.

During a later conversation Sheila seems to notice their apprehension about voting out Natalie and starts freaking out. Next thing I know, there's an argument and Sheila tells Adam that if he doesn't do what she says, she's going to put Ryan on the block instead of Natalie. So then all of Ryan's and Adam's thinking culminates in the realization that they don't have to listen to Sheila, they can vote for whomever they want. It always amazes me when people realize they HAVE A CHOICE and can use their own free will if they want to. Hmmm!

At the veto ceremony, Adam takes himself off the block and Sheila, as expected, nominates Natalie. Natalie says she feels safe, and with Adam and Ryan in control, she may very well be. I love how these people keep flipping around. I don't wish for Sharon to go home, but if they decide to keep Natalie, I cannot WAIT to see Sheila's reaction.

Maggie doesn't seem to be around yet today for a Big Brother recap, so I'm opening this thread in case anyone wants to discuss the new HOH and the latest nominations. And Natalie's latest numerology weirdness.

And the new Head of Household is...

...SHEILA!

I'm not her biggest fan, but it's sure to cause drama.

It's Big Brother Eviction Night! Julie greets us in yet another inexplicable sweater. She regales us with the tragic and heroic story of James, The Free Spirit Bicycling Around The World. Ack.

As we look in on the house post-Veto ceremony, the girls chat in the backyard about how the boys are probably gunning for them, and how they should stick together and get a Final Three of all women. Natalie talks about wanting to get rid of Adam. Sheila DRs that she doesn't believe Natalie for a second, and tells Sharon later that Natalie is full of it.

In the kitchen, Natalie wields a giant spatula while Adam literally lays on the countertop. Hygiene much, guys? Nat approaches him -- he's typically bug-eyed -- and tells him that Sheila said she wanted to put up him and Ryan. Now we didn't see Sheila say anything of the sort...doesn't mean she didn't, but it looks like Natalie is straight-up lying. Isn't Natalie the one that said that? Later on, Natalie talks to Ryan in the bedroom and tells him that Sharon told her that the girls should stick together. Damn, Natalie! Then she starts talking about Team Christ yet again, and seriously, does Jesus really condone all this lying and sneaking around? THEN, Sheila goes to Adam and tells him that Natalie is not on his side. Adam DRs all, "Who with the what and blah blah blah?"

We go back to Julie, who greets the houseguests. They start screaming and Julie is all, "Settle down, assholes." Julie asks Adam about all the "babies" who are "dyyyyyyyyyying to meetcha." And that's exactly how she says it. I don't remember what Adam said in return because I was laughing too hard. Then she shows Sheila a video of when James dumped flour on her head. Everyone yuks it up, and Julie asks Sheila if living in the house makes her feel older or younger. Being that Sheila is 75 years old. WTF? Sheila says that all the pranks make her feel loved and wanted. Oh, Sheila. You make me feel sad.

Next, we talk to Sharon's family. They seem like nice people. Her father is an extremely decorated Marine. He expresses a fear that Sharon might bring the guinea pigs home. Her mother tells us about a horrifying car accident Sharon had in October that "solidified her relationship with the Lord." They show the car, and wow -- scary. Her parents talk about what a giving and selfless person Sharon is, and from what we've seen on this show, they're pretty much right. She's given them nothing to be ashamed of...unlike Josh's poor parents, eh?

SEQUESTER HIZZOUSE! We visit with Matt, alone in the house. He is hoping James is the next evicted, or at least "a chick." Chelsia comes flying in and leaps on top of him and I remember how much I dislike her. She tells us that she's not going to hook up with Matt. Um, WHO ASKED YOU? They wait for the next evictee, and Chelsia hopes it's Natalie. But it's Joshuah and Chelsia starts shrieking, "OH JOSHIE NOOOOO!" Again, remembering how much I dislike her. Mattie quietly snickers from across the room, pleased to see Josh evicted. The three of them watch Natalie win HOH, Chelsia and Josh act like total douchebags, and Matt tells us he wants Natalie to win so she'll buy him a nice present. Meh. Josh and Chelsia call Natalie a whore as they watch her on tv, and Matt silently stews. God, stick up for her, you assface. I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

Back at the BB house, the nominees make their speeches. Sharon is all, "Whatever, dudes, Semper Fi!" and James is all, "Love and peace, I'm Crazy James!" The voting begins and is this really necessary? The vote is, of course, unanimous, and suddenly I feel terrible sorrow on behalf of Mattie, who will now have to endure the sounds of monkey sex in the sequester house.

So, James is evicted and he interviews with Julie about how happy he is to leave, because he hated everyone in the house. Julie asks him why he's such a crybaby. His response is, "I'm bicycling around the world on a hundred dollars." WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. And you know what? Enough with this crap.

In her goodbye video, Sheila says to James, "They definitely broke the mold when they made you," and the geekboy and I shout in unison, "Thank god."

Next up, HOH! Everyone stands inside a glass box. The floor will drop out and they have to stay inside the box by grabbing on to whatever they can. I guess this will be an endurance challenge. There's no way Ryan will win this one; he already looks uncomfortable.

After commercial break, everyone is still hanging. Heh, I figured Ryan would have fallen by now. Adam is shouting like a maniac, Ryan is sweating BUCKETS and calls Julie "Babe," Sharon is struggling and Sheila says it smells bad in her box. Hey, you said it, Sheila, not me.

RIMSHOT! Thanks, everyone, and don't forget to tip your server!

[p.s. Do not discuss the results of the HOH in this thread; I will set up a separate one]

Big Brother, Veto Night! Bring it!

The show begins in black and white during the nomination ceremony, where our cable feed flashed us some subliminal frames in color. Did ya'll see that? In slow-mo, we saw a frame of a group of people and then a man's face. WTF? Glitch in the matrix or is Big Brother trying to tell me something?

Anyway, we see Adam's "IF YOU WANT IT, WIN IT" speech, and Sheila having her little hissy. Again. We go to color and she's screaming in the DR about how Adam could have chosen anyone but her and how she would never have done that to him. Whatever, Sheila. Ryan DRs that Adam is cowardly and spineless, and then James and his stupid hair tell us that he won't use the veto if he wins it, per his word to Adam.

Adam DRs that he fell for James' tears, which we already figured to be true. Sharon DR-yells that, with these nominations, Adam has made himself a target. Sheila comes into the kitchen, yells at Adam, leaves, then comes back and continues yelling at him. Adam tells her to just calm down, and that he'll win the veto and take her off the block, and she starts screaming, "DER! I'LL DO IT MYSELF!" Yes, she actually said, "Der." Because she's won so many challenges? She goes and rages to Ryan and Ryan DRs again that Adam made a stupid move.

James and Ryan talk, and James reiterates to Ryan that if he wins the POV, he won't use it. Ryan doesn't know if he should believe him or not. Rightly so. In the bedroom, Sheila continues to flip out and seriously, shut up, Sheila. Meanwhile, Adam is wandering around the house looking for someone to tell him he did the right thing. Sharon tells him that she just doesn't know. Adam rubs his head and admits he did the wrong thing. Well, you won't know until after the veto, Adam. So just calm the hell down and stop apologizing to these idiots.

Now, he is all regretful about nominating Sheila and Sheila is suddenly totally understanding. He says that he might have just cost himself the game. He apologizes to Sheila and then to Natalie and sweet jeebus, Adam, suck it up. He says that James just got to him and mesmerized him. Heh. He promises Ryan he will make things up to him. Natalie screams from the sauna, "I AM WARRIOR PRINCESS NATTIE." Oooooooookay.

Suddenly, after all her crying and cursing and finger-waving, Sheila tells Natalie, "You know what, I think Adam did the right thing. I'm good with it." WTF? Natalie laughs and asks her if she really thinks James won't use the veto. James walks in and Sheila asks him again if he'll use it and again he says no. They're all at a standstill here and Natalie finally tells James that if she wins HOH on Wednesday, she won't put him up. I really don't understand why anyone trusts anyone in this house. Later, at the hot tub, Sharon berates James for trusting Natalie. Wow, Sharon has actual strategic thoughts? I don't believe it.

In the middle of the night, James wakes up Sharon and starts crying about being isolated and his tattoos and oh my hell, shut UP already with your whining. Then they start talking about how much they miss Josh and Chelsia and I don't remember anything else because I was vomiting up my dinner. Sorry.

Now we get a montage of Sheila cleaning the house. Yadda. Really, Big Brother? This is all we have for filler?

Okay! Now it's time to play for the Veto. The backyard is totes Indiana Jones and shit. Natalie is decked out in her kneesocks and James is changing things up and wearing a blue shirt. I didn't know he owned non-pink clothing. MY WORLD IS UPSIDE DOWN. Adam reads the rules but, even being a Jersey girl myself, I cannot get past his accent. I don't know what the rules are, but Sheila immediately DRs that she's probably going to lose. I concur. Let's just watch and see what happens. I'll predict right now that Natalie is going to win.

Annnnnd...Natalie is the first eliminated. I suck. And does she. And then James is eliminated. So far, so good, Adam. It comes down to Ryan and Adam, and Ryan whispers to Adam that he will take the Veto if Adam doesn't want it. I think it's so Adam can come out looking like a good guy, but mostly so Ryan can protect himself. I guess? Anyway, Ryan wins Veto.

After the competition, Natalie cries in the bathroom that Mattie is going to get his birthday gift of James being evicted. I thought Mattie's birthday was like two weeks ago. Apparently with Natalie, Mattie's birthday is every day. Sheila tells her that Ryan will "do the right thing" and take her off the block. I enjoy that Sheila thinks the "right thing" is anything that benefits her. Great lesson to teach your kid.

Is Ryan wearing a nicotine patch or is that a band-aid?

Later that evening, Ryan and James have a chat and Ryan asks him if Natalie is trying to cut a deal with him. James stretches the truth a skitch and says that yes, Natalie wants to work with him. Ryan tells James that he might be interested in working with him. Ryan is stretching himself thin in this game. Secret alliances and covering all his bases? If he's found out, he's toast, but if he's not, he's golden. Let's see what happens.

The Veto Ceremony begins and Sheila and Sharon make their dumb speeches. Blarg. Sheila is all, "Pleez use it on me I want to stay k thx bye" and then Sharon talks really quick and is all "Whatever dude luv ya babe." Ryan uses the Veto on Sheila and everyone applauds. Um, except Sharon and James. Adam breaks my heart with his grammar when he says, "Ryan, you have chose to veto Sheila." Then he puts up James, telling him that gameplay comes before friendship and seriously, thank you for pointing that out. James is gracious about it but gives Ryan a bit of shit. Whatever.

I'm not convinced that James will be voted out tomorrow. Sharon says she will take her usual tack and keep her mouth shut. Um, I don't know if that's the best idea, Sharon. You might want to learn to squeeze out some tears like Pinky Dinky Doo over there.

Another Sunday, another soul-killing week of Big Brother begins...so, Joshuah the Protector of the Little People is gone, and makes his crappy heroic speech. Sheila falls for it and is totally impressed, but Ryan sees it for the bullshit it is. Word, brotha.

James DRs that the houseguests obviously evicted Joshuah in order to torture him, because it's ALL about James. Whatever, Pinky. Sharon weeps - WEEPS - on the floor after Joshuah leaves. Oh, whatever. He's not dead. As much as I wish...Adam makes fun of Sharon crying in the DR and it's hilarious. I'm really enjoying Adam and it's killing me that he made that awful comment in the first episode. We see him winning HOH again and he tells us that he feels more confident this week than last time. Natalie reminds us that god told her Adam would win. I wonder what else god tells her? "Knee socks and tiny bikini tops are sexy!" Oh my hell, I had forgotten they're calling themselves Team Christ. Seriously, kill me.

The camera pans around the house, post-HOH competition. Sharon and James sit in the bedroom and talk about how much better they are than everyone else in the house and how much they hate it there. THEN LEAVE. Natalie is doing awkward and weird high kicks in the dining room. WTF? Everyone sits around the table and jokes about putting up Shelia, in front of her, and she gets really pissed.

Adam gets his HOH room...do you think there will be more baby food? Nope. Just pictures of him and his mook friends posing next to cars. Adam reads his letter from home, from his mom, and it's rather sweet, except for the part about where it says there are a ton of chicks (aka "babies") waiting for him at home. REALLY, LADIES? I mean, I know it's South Jersey and everything, but sitting around on Adam's doorstep is the best you can do?

The sad James piano music starts playing, and he starts moping around Adam, acting all sad and stuff. So he decides to go "Crazy James," whatever that means. Maybe he's going to suck some cock? He tells us he's going to Win. This. Game. Later, the guys all TP Sheila's bedroom, and it's funny. After that, Natalie hides in a trash can in the storage room and scares the crap out of Sheila, which is even funnier. In the backyard, James dumps a mug of flour on Sheila, which probably takes it a bit too far but I still laughed. She shrugs it off. If I were her, I'd be planning a mega-prank on those guys. Sheila cries to Adam about how much she misses everyone at home, then cries further about it to us in the Diary Room. She also DRs about how much she trusts Adam and feels she can confide in him. I have a feeling this isn't going to end well.

Outside, Ryan approaches Sharon about a "secret alliance." Heh. Sharon DRs something about Semper Fi and go Ryan! If you're going to have an alliance with someone, Sharon's the girl. Apparently she prefers to play for other people rather than herself. The editors put on some Godfather music as the guys sit outside and talk about whom to put up next to James. Ryan tries to swing Adam from Sharon to Sheila.

It's time for the Food Competition. I love how when the houseguests go outside for one of these things, they open up the big garage door and all you see at first in the yard are flies buzzing around. And for good reason - for this competition they have to build giant mashed potato and gravy rivers. People are starving in Africa. Just thought I'd remind you. Anyway, they win a bunch of food and a grill and some stuff for outside.

Later that night in the kitchen, when he's not stuffing his face with a sandwich, James tries to talk Adam out of putting him up. Ryan overhears a little bit of this and gets super-pissed. Yeah, Ryan, how dare somebody else try and play the game. Ryan calls Natalie up the HOH room and the two of them start freaking out on Adam about how important it is to get James out of the house. Natalie shrieks something about the bible and evildoers. She is wearing a polka-dot scarf, a tank top with lace peeking out, a short skirt, and blue print kneesocks. Seriously, is she deranged?

Later, James goes and tries to talk to Adam again, and Natalie barges in and tries to shut him down. James starts whining about how nobody gives him a chance and never did, and he's so alone, and Adam finally gets pissed off and says, "Too little too late" and tells him tough, he's going up. James bursts into tears and tells Adam how much he likes him and sobs to Natalie and then Adam gets all upset and Natalie hugs James and leaves and Adam just stares at James in shock with tears in his own eyes and you guys, this is SUCH A WEIRD AND FREAKY SCENE.

Adam tells James that he's not going to put him up. WHAT? Because he cried? But then he tells him that he has to promise not to use the Veto if he wins it, to ensure the safety of Natalie and Ryan. So it looks like James will be getting backdoored. Again. Maybe he'll cry. Again.

Nomination Ceremony! Adam puts up Sheila and Sharon. Wowwwwww. Adam tells the group he decided to play as if James won the veto. He tells them all that they need to really compete for the veto and if they play hard enough, James will go up instead. I wish I could do him justice, because his speech was awesome.

Of course Sheila understands none of this and goes and cries into a pillow about what a dick Adam is. Ryan and Natalie are horrified and angry. I, on the other hand, am TOTALLY PSYCHED for the Veto competition.

'Til then, darlings.

Last night's Big Brother both disgusted and delighted me. Joshuah, you make my stomach turn. But I love your parents!

Joshuah decided he might not be able to count on Natalie's promise to break a tie in his favour, so he started working Adam to ensure he got three votes to stay. Working Adam meant sitting in the kitchen and pretending to cry when he saw Adam coming. He broke down and blubbered in Adam's arms, then in the diary room lauded himself for being a fabulous actor. I puked. Adam seemed to be buying it and I was worried that Joshuah would end up staying in the house.

However, it occurred to Natalie at some point that if Josh stayed, he could band together with James against her and this worried her so much that she decided to talk to Sharon. Sharon was pretty surprised and together with Natalie and Sheila, they decided to make a women's alliance.

Natalie approached Ryan to try to get him to change his vote and keep Sharon instead. Ryan argued at first, but after talking to Sharon herself, he seemed to take her side. Natalie and Ryan then approached Adam and he also seemed to be on board. Adam scares me, though. I never know what he's going to do until he does it, and I don't believe anything he tells anyone unless he echoes it in the diary room as well.

Next we saw Josh and James by the pool, enjoying each other's company (puke). One of the things I hate so much about Josh is his smug attitude, and when he started saying that Sharon needs to go because he's so tired of babysitting her throughout the game I felt like slapping him. I want to shave his eyebrows. Try to look smug without eyebrows, you nasty assface.

Which brings us to the parents of our assface. Josh's mom and dad utterly delighted me. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed watching their faces while they watched Josh's disturbing, cruel and embarrassing antics on television. His dad looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole. Josh's mom asked, "Why is he doing that?" and then actually covered her eyes and ears. She said that watching him sometimes made her want to wring his neck and she referred to him as a monster on tv. His dad just made a deflated hissing sound. I felt kind of bad for them. I really hope they haven't been watching the live feeds.

During the live part of the show, Julie addressed everyone and gave Josh and Sharon a chance to plead their cases. Sharon said she had a good time and hoped to stay. Josh stood up and gave the following speech:

"Well, this is the most dysfunctional family on tv, and believe it or not, as much as I may hate y'all, I actually do care about you inside. I feel like we're all at a big amusement park, on this big rollercoaster ride. Choo choo choo choo WHOOO WHOOO twist turn - I don't want to get off the ride. All I'm asking is for one more turn, one more ride is all I'm asking."

I am puking! PUKING! I can't believe he wrote and memorized a speech, complete with babyish actions, and recited it on tv. Ew.

During the vote, once I saw Ryan vote against Josh I knew he was going home. Everyone except James voted against Josh, and when he heard the verdict he started crying and gave another idiotic and self-righteous speech about how he was true to himself and that he wishes for everyone else to remain true to themselves so that they can all go far in life. This was too much for me. I don't even know what he said to Julie during his interview because I was too busy painting a portrait of his face out of poo.

Good riddance, jackhole.

Oh, and Adam won HOH.

James, upon finding himself nominated yet again, hosts the world's biggest pity party for himself and we're all invited!

Chelsia is long gone and James is feeling the effects of not having anyone in the house to confide in and to support him. He is all frowny and sad. Sheila gives him a great pep talk which means a lot to him, but then he overhears her give the same talk to Joshuah as well as say a few nasty things about him. Later, he overhears Sheila talking about him a few more times, because lady don't know how to sit facing a doorway.

At one point Sheila is working her big mouth at Adam and Ryan, talking about how she doesn't care that James has overheard everything and Adam quietly excuses himself to bring this to James' attention. James apparently can't take anymore so he stomps outside in his little black underwear and cries and jumps around and screams himself hoarse at Sheila. James understands that the whole house is against him and vows that he will survive this. He also tells all the houseguests that they don't understand! He is ALONE! It's not FAIR! Sanity is such a fleeting quality in the BB house.

And survive he does. James wins veto because the rest of the houseguests couldn't figure out how to use the game to their advantage and band against him. James is thrilled and Joshuah is devastated. He yells, "I just want to be alone!" but unlike Greta Garbo, no one cares. Then he goes to his room and cries and cries and I laugh and laugh. Sharon goes to console him and they discuss that Natalie will probably put her up in James' place because she is the ultimate pawn. Later Sharon can't help but cry because she knows this means that her best friend Josh will be evicted and she can't do anything to help him. Joshuah feels bad for Sharon and says he will never campaign against her because he loves her.

Which was a big lie. He immediately goes to talk to Natalie who offers to break a tie in his favour if he can get two votes. He talks to Ryan and James and they promise him the votes, so it looks like Joshuah is going to stick around. Now I am frowny and sad. While this is going on, the editors are cutting in footage of Sheila and Sharon in the bathroom, where Sharon is crying her eyes out and Sheila is comforting her by saying wonderful things about Joshuah.

So, before the veto ceremony even happens, Joshuah has already worked out a way to send Sharon home. It's a good move as far as gameplay is concerned, but I'm biased because I HATE Josh and I can't help but hope that someone opens their mouth and Sharon figures out what's going on.

TEAM CHRIST, Y'ALLS!

So Natalie is HOH and I was so excited because I was hoping she was going to do great things. Instead we spent way too much time hearing about how God in His Infinite Wisdom has decided to support Natalie's attempt to win some cash because if you watch reality game shows at all, you know that this is what God's up to nowadays – rooting for game show contestants. Ryan proposed their alliance call themselves Team Christ, because as Adam put it, they all "believe in the lord and pray to God, whatever works, works." I won't even go into her disjointed numerology explanations and the fact that she wore an outfit that matched the set of the competition which she claimed was a sign from God.

Anyway, onto the rest of the episode. Natalie enjoys playing hide and seek with the boys. She goes to hide and the guys patronize her and laugh until she is found. This kind of makes me sad and reminds me of a part in Flowers for Algernon where Charlie is talking about how he has lots of laughs with his friends at the bakery, but he's just too simple to understand that everyone is actually making fun of him.

Natalie is thrilled with her HOH goodies and photos, and Josh went straight to the DR to make fun of every single thing. I can't wait until Josh gets out of the house and finds out how much America hates his petty, gormless ass. Anyway, I think it's kind of cute when her dad says that everyone in the navy and at Wal-Mart is rooting for her.

The food competition is a big joke. The houseguests have to decide, by secret ballot, if they want to eat or go on slop. The trick is that they have to try to predict what the other houseguests will say and submit their answer based on that, because if the majority of the house is greedy and chooses to eat, then Big Brother will reverse the outcome and make those people all go on slop. Of course, the reverse is not true – if most of the guests choose slop, they will indeed all go on slop. Everyone makes their choice based on the idea that everyone else is greedy so Adam ends up being the only person who elected to actually BE greedy so he gets to eat while everyone else is screwed. The game is designed to make the houseguests screw themselves.

At one point, James approaches Natalie and tries to form an alliance with her. Natalie seems to be excited about this prospect, and I start to think it's kind of a good idea. In the end she nominates James and Joshuah, which isn't a bad move either, and I'm thrilled to see Josh on the block.

Previously on Big Brother 9: Yadda.

It's Live Eviction Night and freakgirl is happy because it means we get to see Chelsia get kicked out. AND we get to see Julie Chen. Sporting yet another knit sweater. She is a vision in beige, ya'll.

You guys, Big Brother is painting Natalie and Joshuah as the masterminds of this season. Wrap your head around that, people.

We see some footage from this past Easter Sunday, post-Veto meeting. Josh congratulates himself in the DR, and Chelsia walks around with her hands on her hips, looking sour. Adam goes in to speak with Sharon, who is all, "We're cool, dude." She is way too relaxed for someone on the block. I'm pretty confident on her behalf as well, though.

Chelsia DRs that people want to split up her and James because they're jealous. They're not jealous, Face Earring -- they're breaking up your team for the same reasons you broke up Matt and Nasty Natalia. She cries into her pillow and whines to James about not wanting to leave. He rubs his crotch all over her in response.

Later on, Natalie channels Jeff Daniels' character in Dumb & Dumber and blatheres about knowing someone who has Old Heimer's Disease. Oh my god, Natalie. Chelsia snottily DRs about how uneducated Natalie is. Yeah, Pink Tips, because you're a real live Mensa member. The girls dye Easter eggs in the kitchen and Chelsia just disgustedly stares at Natalie, who will not shut up. As a viewer, I totally enjoy this. She makes Chelsia so crazy! Suddenly Chelsia starts smashing the eggs, trying to get a rise out of Natalie. Chelsia's drunk, by the way. She smushes all the eggs, making fun of Natalie while she does it, laughing hysterically, but nobody is really laughing with her. Natalie leaves and goes to paint her toes in the sauna and talk to herself. Sharon disappears completely. Smart girl. Chelsia calls Natalie "white trash," and, to her credit, Natalie still doesn't react. What a massive, gigantic bitch. James agrees with me, DRing that Chelsia is a "huge, raging bitch."

Then, as Julie does the teaser for the next segment, we get the most magnificent, bug-eyed photo of Adam. My god.

After commercials, Julie talks to the house and calls Adam "Baller." It's upsetting. Julie then attempts to joke around with Adam about the baby food thing, and he totally doesn't get it. Julie demands, "DIDN'T YOU GET THE JOKE?" and Adam says he has no idea why his mother even sent the stuff in his care package. Sadly, Julie continues trying to joke with him. She moves on to Natalie and asks her about Matt and points out that Matt has eight letters in his last name. Heh. Then Sharon starts screeching about HER BEEBEES and Julie's audio inputs start smoking.

Oooh goodie, now we get the segment about Adam, where he struts around the house talking about what a stud he is. Sure, dude. You don't have a job. We visit his family in Cherry Hill, NJ. And WOW, his high school portrait is simply splendid. His family talks about Adam's big heart and what a great guy he is. I'm sure his retard friends feel the same way. Julie has her private chat with Adam in his HOH room. He says "fuck" on the air (although it's edited out). You can take the boy out of Jersey…

Time for the live vote! I hope it goes as the feeds indicated and Chelsia is voted out unanimously. During her speech, Chelsia calls everyone materialistic and vain and waves her finger around and acts like a total tampon. James is mortified. Everybody votes and it's unanimous! Smell ya later, Haircut.

When Julie gives her the news, she gets up and starts insulting people. I fucking hate her. She storms out, screaming, "Burn this house down!" or some such nonsense. Back inside, Sheila keeps repeating over and over what Chelsia said about her ("rode hard and put away wet") and Sharon is shouting at the top of her lungs about Julie scaring her that maybe she got voted out.

In the Chenbot Hotseat, Chelsia proudly tells Julie how she went out with a bang. Julie is all, "Whatever, you blew it and you totally gave up. Drop dead."

And now it's time for the HOH competition. Please let Natalie win! The houseguests have to answer questions based on what they think America thinks about them. It has a Presidential theme, but whatever. These things are so confusing. Let's just cut to the chase. Josh has pit stains.

NATALIE WINS! God DOES love her!

I am so happy right now.

Previously on Big Brother: Natalie is d-u-n, Adam HOH, baby food, Josh kiss-ass, James & Chelsia nominated. Apparently tonight on Big Brother, he who will not be named will be making an appearance. Join me, won't you, in pressing your bare ass against the television screen and farting.

We open, as usual for Tuesdays, at the end of the nomination ceremony. James DRs that he really needs to get off the block. Did you guys know that James has already been voted out once? I know, I was surprised to hear it, too. It's not like he ever mentions it. Chelsia admits it was a good move, strategy-wise, to put them both up. Then, Joshuah points out to us that he has never been nominated. You guys, that seriously furiates me.

James and Chelsia are giggling way too much about being nominated; acting like they don't care. They soooo care. Natalie congratulates Adam in the HOH room, where she repeats his nomination speech back to him as if perhaps he wasn't there. James and Chelsia continue acting like drunken monkeys in the kitchen while Natalie and Sheila congratulate themselves in the HOH. Adam mutters, "If James wins POV, this house is screwed." Yep, pretty much.

Later, in the bedroom, James and Chelsia are not as happy. James asks Chelsia to let him win the Veto, since he was already evicted once and therefore deserves it more. Or something. I cannot believe that Chelsia doesn't laugh in his fish-lipped face. Is he serious?

Natalie believes that god is controlling the game, by the way. She might want to talk to Amber about that. Bless you, god.

Now is the time on Big Brother when half the house gets to watch a movie and we get to see an extended commercial for a Kevin Spacey flick. Chelsia wins a VIP trip to Vegas. Ugh. Sheila tells us how much she likes movies. Wow, Sheila! That's incredible! I also like movies! And breathing air! Outside, Adam jokingly harasses Ryan for losing their movie privileges.

Later, the players for the Veto are chosen. They will be Adam, James, Chelsia, Joshuah, Sheila and Sharon. Ryan is really bummed he wasn't get chosen to play for the Veto, as he wants to ensure James remains on the block. James, meanwhile, is dancing around like an idiot since two of his alliance are playing, but doesn't he realize that those two are safest if the noms remain the same? Anyway, they all go to bed to rest up before the next morning's competition.

Then this ugly guy comes into the house to wake up the houseguests and I don't have anything to say about that. Except that Natalie looks INSANE when she's woken up in the middle of the night, you guys. INSANE.

The Veto competition is set up like a rock club. I have no idea why. There's some old man wandering around the backyard, maybe he has something to do with it. Anyhoo, the players have to drink gross concoctions for points and then use those points for croquet turns and whoever scores the most points wins. And James wins. Mostly because he chugged down the most junk. Which is pretty funny, considering.

Chelsia DRs that now that James is off the block, she realizes it was probably a bad idea to vote him back in the house. DUH. Remember Lisa from Season 3? She knew. During her season, players were given the option to vote back in a houseguest, and she voted against bringing back her house boyfriend, as she was afraid it would distract her. And she went on to win.

Okay, now get this. Joshuah actually convinces Sharon to volunteer to go up when James takes himself off the block. I don’t even have words in my vocabulary to discuss how I feel about this. On one hand, I respect her strategy to keep their team together. On the other, IS SHE FUCKING CRAZY? Natalie gets wind of this plan and goes to Adam and tells him they should keep James another week and backdoor Joshuah instead. Man, I am loving Natalie since Matt left the house. She might be a harebrain, but she is always thinking and running different scenarios in her head. Unfortunately, she discusses this plan with Ryan, who, as we know, is in a secret alliance with Joshuah. Ryan keeps pushing to stick with the plan and dump James.

So, now it's time for the Veto ceremony and of course James takes himself off the block. James tells everyone that vengeance is best served on a silver platter, which is odd, as I've always found it best served cold. Ass.

Adam’s replacement nominee is...Sharon. Rats, I was hoping Nat's plan would go through. I swear, if Sharon ends up getting voted out by some bizarre twist of fate, I will go to that house and kick Joshuah's ass. Also? I think Chelsia is pretty much over James. It's okay, girl. So is America.

On Big Brother last night, Adam's becoming HOH proceeded exactly as expected - everyone kissing his ass to the point of embarrassment. These people, they are shameless.

Most excited is Natalie, who is busy making plans to avenge her soulmate. She vows to Adam (and us) that she is no longer Nice Natalie, but Nasty Natalie. You know, if you're making up cute little alliterative names for yourself, I just can't take you seriously.

When Adam gets the keys to the HOH Room, America makes a bizarre discovery - that he enjoys eating baby food. Would you really be shocked if I told you that Natalie also loves eating baby food? These people scare me.

In other news, the editors delight me when they give the guinea pigs their own confessional where they confide that they want Sharon to be voted out. Too funny.

Joshuah continues his strategy of douchebaggery by telling Sheila that he heard she might be going up on the block. He does this purely for his own amusement and presumably ours, but seriously, every moment his squinty overtanned face is on screen, I get irate. Even my father, who is a relatively calm man, turned to us and said, "Someone should shoot that guy." Tell us how you really feel, Dad.

Then there's a Luxury Competition that advertises the movie "21," which I actually want to see. Ryan ends up winning big during the blackjack competition, which looks fun, and gets to choose three friends to watch the movie with him. He chooses Natalie, Adam and James. Then he is offered a chance to risk the movie viewing and try to win a $21K trip to Vegas. Of course he takes it, but ends up losing. So the other four get the movie tickets instead - Sharon, Joshuah, Sheila and Chelsia. Blarg.

Okay, now for the freakiest moment of the night. Natalie becomes obsessed with the number eight and becomes convinced that something is going to happen in the house. Completely out of the blue, she DRs that the name Evel Dick has eight letters and that perhaps he is coming back to the house. As we know, this is actually true. YOU GUYS HOW DID SHE DO THAT? I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Nomination time! Adam, proving that he's not as stupid as I thought he was, puts up James and Chelsia. There's really no way they can argue this, right? James told everyone his reason for evicting Matt was because he was playing as part of a couple. So are James and Chelsia, and by the same token, they should go up. Of course, Chelsia becomes enraged and the show ends with James and Chelsia swearing to us in the DR that Adam will be sorry.

Whatever.

Oh, Matt absolutely DELIGHTED me tonight. He approached James in the backyard and couldn't hold back the tears. Why? BECAUSE HE PROMISED MOMMY! He promised he'd bring home something and now he's going home with nothing. HA HA HA!

Matt cried all the way inside, then he cried to the kitchen when he went to get a drink and blow his nose, and he cried to Adam, who advised him to get angry instead and demand to know why people won't stick up for him. Matt thought about it and since women like sympathy (?!), he decided to try to get pity votes. He was so pathetic that Sharon and Chelsia were embarrassed to even have to talk to him. I hope all his stupid friends in Boston are laughing their asses off at him right now.

Suddenly he got a clue and started pointing out that he didn't do anything to most of the houseguests, whereas Ryan actually did, and this got Sheila thinking. Even though she already promised her support to Ryan, she changed her mind and tried to get James to change his, too. In the diary room she said that she didn't want to be responsible for who got voted out, and wanted to force a tie so that James would have to make up his own mind.

Then CBS treated us to a window in the current lives of BB8's Dick and Daniele! They've been getting along great in between trips to Vegas, Europe and shiny red new cars. Hearing Dick say that he didn't have to pay for tickets to a concert because "Barry [Manilow] is a fan of the show," made me cringe. And then hearing people ooh and ahh over him made me sick. And then when Dick told us a woman tattooed his autograph to her arm I was very ashamed indeed for America. America! Shame!

So where were we? Ah yes, voting time. Sheila went through with her plan to force a tie by voting to evict Ryan. James didn't look like he was prepared to make the decision, but it didn't seem very hard for him to lay the axe to Matt. Matt remains the world's biggest douchebag; he hugged everyone goodbye but gave Natalie a thoughtless brushoff. Dude, she's the only one who really even cares if you're there. I did enjoy that he started crying on his way out and barely composed himself in time to talk to Julie.

Mad Eye Moody won the HOH competition because his magic eyeballs could actually see the answers written in the podium. At least that's how it looked because he kept rolling those eyes and staring intently downward. He's just such a weirdo! And as soon as he won, Sheila jumped into his arms. I love that she thinks they're best friends. I guess when you get used to how ugly a guy is and forget about the horrible things he says about autistic children and he almost gives you $10K ('twas the thought that counted) and he wins HOH, it really shows you the kind of person he is!

Survivor is on at 8:00pm tonight (one day early) and Big Brother follows immediately at 9:00pm.

So, where were we? Yes, Sheila and Ryan are on the block. Matt is so grateful that he promises Natalie that he will put himself on the line for her later on if necessary, and she goes, "Aw, no!" No? What a wackadoo. All she wants from him are massages. Oy.

Later on our Bible Boys are studying scripture again. They discuss the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail and how much these things would be worth if they were found. Adam and Matt suggest that maybe they should go on an adventure and give it a go. I'm all for it, as long as they locate the Stones of Sankara too. Just don't drink the black blood of the Kali Mar. Natch.

Anyway. It seems Josh failed on his quest to solve the mystery of the third person who voted against James returning to the house because James now has to do it himself. Natalie does her part protecting Matt by telling Sharon she's sure it was Adam, but Sharon isn't stupid and knows the truth. She keeps it to herself for a little while.

The houseguests find alphabet blocks in the guinea pig cage and Sheila starts freaking out. They spell out POV. Sheila takes this as a sign that she needs to win POV to keep herself safe. Well. I guess you've got to wake up pretty early to pull one over on Sheila.

Unless of course, you're drunk. That night Sheila goes to bed early while everyone else gets drunk in the backyard. They take the opportunity to bash Sheila all night, and Natalie whips out a damn good impression of her! Then everyone thinks it would be funny to go and wake her up and pretend the veto competition is starting. The rush into her room and scare her half to death and tell her to get dressed and go to the backyard, which she does. I thought the whole thing was kind of mean, but she was a really good sport about it.

The next morning they draw to see who would play for veto. Sheila is dressed and awake while everyone else is obviously nursing scorching hangovers. Funny! Ryan is happy to see that Josh will be playing, because for some reason he still thinks they have a secret alliance and that Josh will save him if he wins the veto. Funny!

[I'm not sure, but during the challenge Ryan fell off his balance beam in such a way that made me think he was trying purposefully to take Sheila down with him. Did any of you guys think that too?]

James wins veto and Sheila approaches everyone to confirm that, while they all owe her nothing, they will still vote to keep her in the house. No one wants to make any promises and she is just SHOCKED at the audacity of these people! She complains to Adam that no one seems to be keen to help her out and he can't even look her in the eye. I guess we know who Sheila's friends are!

But her story isn't over yet. James decides to wreak some havoc with his POV. For some reason he just believes that Adam was the one who didn't vote to bring him back and wants to use the veto to backdoor him. Sharon pipes up that no, it's obvious that Matt is the culprit, and this news FURIATES James. At the veto ceremony he saves Sheila who immediately starts weeping. James nominates Matt. I'm so excited! I can't wait to see what psychological effect Matt's removal from the game will have on Natalie. I hope she'll rally but I have pretty low expectations.

I guess there wasn't a lot of footage they could actually show us on tv this week (anyone watching the feeds or clips on YouTube knows that these people are degenerates), because the first third of the show was recap after recap after recap of James being voted back into the house and jumping out of that stupid box.

I know I'm saying this for the millionth time, but I do not understand these people! Why on earth did they bring back someone they just kicked out? That's a fresh wound to deal with.

So at the end of the last episode, the houseguests had just begun their endurance competition. As people started falling off of their disco balls they formed two camps - Matt and Ryan on one side, and everyone else kissing James' ass on the other. I don't get it. Why is everyone acting like they're scared of James? At the end of the competition, Natalie and James were the final ones still on their disco balls and they started talking deals. Natalie was about to throw up, so she jumped down after James promised not to nominate either her or Matt that week. Natalie was a physical mess after the competition and because everyone was watching, Matt pretended to care and be thankful that she did her best to protect him. Whatever. He's an asshole.

Later on he finally gave her the massage she's been after but not without demeaning her first, which she didn't seem to notice. He told her he loved her for what she did for him, but not in that way so don't get any ideas and put those boobs away. I just really hate him.

When James finally came down from his disco ball he was heartily congratulated by Chelsia and...Josh? Josh was hugging him and jumping up and down, thrilled, pretending to be his biggest supporter. He is so fickle that I get dizzy watching him flip back and forth. In the diary room, Josh vowed to expose those who didn't vote to bring back James. What a useless man.

Josh got his letter from home and he read it out loud to everyone. It was from his mom and she said she's been happily watching the feeds and I wonder how much she understands about what is actually going on.

When James' HOH room was finally ready, he invited everyone to come in and take a look. The walls were covered in photos of him with various men and in one of them he was wearing a moustache. Someone asked if it was a real moustache and he said that no, it was marker and I yelled, no it's a dirty sanchez!

Right before nomination time, Ryan approached James and tried to create some solidarity between the two of them because they've both been evicted and survived. James points out that his eviction was much more severe because he actually had to sit on the couch and be interviewed by Julie. He then told Ryan to expect an intense week.

He kept his word to Natalie; her and Matt's keys were first drawn. He nominated Ryan and Sheila.

Post the results of the HOH competition and live feed hoo-ha here.

Previously on Big Brother: Ryan blah Josh blah Matt blah Sharon blah Chelsia blah Natalie blah Sheila blah James blah Ryan is nobody's bitch.

I can't wait to see what splendid winter outfit our Julie will be wearing tonight! It's a big black knit sweater and tan pants! White shirt! Black shoes! To quote Sixteen Candles, "No she's not retarded!"

Julie gives us a quick recap of what's been going on and says, "Who will be evicted tonight?" I'm pretty sure it will be James, considering Sharon didn't even bother putting on makeup or a nice shirt for this live television event. Remember how the other seasons would dress up nicely for the live show? These people are slobs. We join the house at the end of the other night's Veto ceremony. Up in the HOH Room, Chelsia is freaking the hell out at Ryan. Girl's got quite a mouth on her! Ryan talks to Josh privately and makes sure their alliance is still intact, and Josh says it is.

Out in the backyard, Sharon confesses to Sheila that Matt was all up in her business when she was HOH and that he kissed her. Sheila is scandalized, and quite impressed with Sharon's game. Naturally, she immediately goes and tells poor Natalie, whose eyes get very big and very crazy as she tries to remain calm. You can see her nostrils flaring, though; it's really quite something. She calls Sharon "silent but deadly." Just like a fart!

Now we see Sheila and Natalie deciding to get rid of Sharon instead of James. Once Matt gets wind of this, he takes Natalie alone in a room where she starts flipping out about him kissing Sharon and him being mean to her. He says, "I don't like any of the girls in this house," and she says, "I'm not included in that." Oh man. Natalie, stop it, you are killing me. He threatens to move out of their bedroom and you can tell she's going to completely cave.

Now we're live! Julie says hello to the housemates and asks Natalie how her relationship with Matt is going. She is so thrilled and talks about how they're still sleeping in the same bed, and Matt is making faces behind her back and says "BFFL" and Julie is confused and IDK my BFF Rose? Then Julie shows us a split screen of both Sheila and Jen wearing their unitards and it's hilarious, as they both pose exactly the same.

Now we're checking in with the evicted houseguests. They're keeping everyone separate so they don't know who else has been evicted. We see Jacob praying next to his bed. Alex is still being an asshole to Amanda. Allison is all alone at her sequester house, doing yoga by the pool. She talks about how nobody in the house would want to see her voted back in. Oh god, please let it be her. Julie gathers the evicted houseguests outside the house and announces who will be voted back in....Right here we get an audio glitch - as Allison talks, we hear Matt talking about going to the bathroom. Julie panics for just a second and then is back on track. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD DID YOU GUYS SEE PARKER'S HAIR! Looks like the hotel has a high-pressure shower head. Anyway, Julie tells them the twist - the houseguests will be able to either vote America's choice, or can choose to keep whoever they evict. But they won't know who the evicted houseguest will be.

And, America picked Alex. THE FUCK?

America, you disappoint me.

Julie takes us back to the living room to reveal the evicted houseguest. And, it's James, of course. Not a single person aside from Chelsia says goodbye to him, apparently at his request. James leaves the house and waves at Julie in the spazziest way possible, seriously, it's awesome. Inside the house, Chelsia is crying and then Sharon starts crying with this weird high-pitched squeal. Julie interviews James. Do you think she'll ask him about his porn? My guess is no. He talks about how much he likes Chelsia and how he's going to see her outside of the house. Yeah, I'm sure her parents will be thrilled when he sits down at the dinner table. Julie tells James he might be voted back in the house and he tells her he might crap his pants. She laughs woodenly and says, "Please keep it clean!" As if he were going to ACTUALLY crap his pants. Silly Julie, he only does that if he's being paid. And on film.

The siren goes off inside the house and everyone starts chattering. Josh looks like he's going to die. I wish they would make the siren go off every few hours, just to destroy his spirit. Julie shows everyone a big gift box outside and says that one of the ex-houseguests is inside. Insert Dick In A Box joke here. The houseguests are totally shocked, and then Julie tells them about their choice. They all start saying "James James James" and Julie gets really mad and makes them stop talking. Ha! She calls them one by one to the DR to vote. And James is voted back in, 5 to 3. Fine by me. Alex was a bore. But this will make Chelsia insufferable, I imagine. I mean more than usual.

By the way, I call bullshit on this. Seems like production realized that Alex going back in would be dull, so they added this option. Whatever. I'm used to it by now. The houseguests open the box and James and his stupid, stupid hair and pink shirt and disturbing lips are back and the house goes crazy. Everyone immediately goes out for the HOH competition. The backyard is outfitted with disco balls and everyone has to stand on a little disc and hang from a chain as they revolve in a circle. We get a weird cut to a guinea pig, which happened once last week, too. And so the endurance challenge begins, and Natalie is already talking a mile a minute and I think I would probably just jump and take my chances rather than listen to her chirping along.

Who will win? We'll find out Sunday, but I'll open a thread for you feed watchers to discuss.

Previously on Big Brother: Blah blah blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Hey, the houseguests have a Dyson! They so don't deserve a Dyson.

We open after the nomination ceremony, where everyone DRs about being nominated or not nominated or whatever. Sharon and Chelsia seem rather zen about it, which is kind of refreshing. They realize that the guys are going after the girls. As Sharon says, "Penises stick together," and I don't think she meant that in the way it came out. Ew. Joshuah and Ryan continue their little secret alliance, which I really don't understand. Josh is such a slimy worm. He tells us that he needs to get Matt out of the picture in order to be able to trust Ryan completely, and OMG you guys Joshuah is totally going to kill Matt.

In the HOH room, Natalie sits with her legs wide open and talks about what she'd do with the money if she won (invest it, oddly enough. I figured she'd use it to buy more bikinis and kneesocks). Matt makes fun of her, which upsets her enough to leave the room. Matt tells everyone it's cool; he'll just make out with her and everything will be fine. HATE HIM. Naturally, Nat goes and cries to the girls about big mean Matt. Overhearing, Josh takes advantage of the opportunity to rally the girls around trying to convince Ryan to backdoor Matt. (DIRTY.) Matt tries to make up with Nat later on, and of course she falls for it, because she's a fucking idiot who breaks my heart. HOWEVER, in her zeal to win his approval, she confides to Matt that the group is going to have Ryan put him up and evict him. Okay, this is going to be awesome.

Matt, in the DR, is gleeful at finding out this information. He reports everything to Ryan and they vow to wage war on the girls and Josh, while keeping Natalie as their patsy.

See, NOW this show is getting interesting.

Josh goes upstairs to the HOH room to begin his spiel, unaware that Ryan knows exactly what's coming. Josh begins telling him that people are making noise about wanting to vote him out, but will offer him two weeks of safety if he puts up Matt instead of Chelsia. Ryan actually cracks up laughing in the middle of it, which is so great, because Josh thinks he's being all dramatic and clever. However, Ryan plays along for five seconds and then plays his hand to Josh. WHAT THE CRAP IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? He tells Josh that Natalie already spilled the beans to Matt. I cannot believe that Ryan just did that! WHY CAN'T ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE KEEP A SECRET FOR MORE THAN TWO MINUTES? These people are so stupid. Josh goes down and tells Sheila and Chelsia that Nat blew their plan and they are livid. (Now I realize where the rift started that began the whole "Your vagina smells bad" fight between Chelsia and Natalie that I still can't believe actually occurred.)

Okay, time to pick players for the Veto competition. Six people will participate - Ryan, Sharon, Chelsia, and then Adam, Sheila and Joshuah. Matt looks nervous, and for good reason. Hear that backdoor slamming? Up in the HOH, everyone is agreeing that Matt will go up if the Veto is used. They're all telling Ryan that they'll keep him off the block for two full weeks if he goes along with their plan. It's just so stupid, because people cut deals all the time on Big Brother, and then they go back on those deals for whatever reason. People's words mean nothing in this game. And Ryan didn't have to agree, all he had to do was say he'd think about it.

So the Veto competition begins and the backyard is set up like a pool hall. The game is basically oversized pool crossed with Yankee Swap. Just take my word for it. At the end of it all, Adam ends up with a motorcycle, Josh with a letter from home, Ryan with $10K (that Adam originally won and gave Sheila! Holy shit!), Sheila with Jen's unitard (the BEST!), and Chelsia with the Veto.

Matt DRs that there's no chance he'll be backdoored. Backdoored backdoored backdoored.

After the Veto competition, Sheila cries about Ryan taking the $10K away from her. I understand her disappointment, but it's a game! As if she deserves it more than anyone else - I hate that. Chelsia and James celebrate her Veto win in the storeroom. Josh comes in, then Sharon, then Ryan...Sharon is nearly frothing at the mouth with excitement over the prospect of Matt getting voted out. Meanwhile, Sheila dons her unitard and puts on some black panties and boots and she looks like the mom from Incredibles. I miss Jen. Can you believe it? Sheila starts complaining again about Ryan taking her $10K and Chelsia tells her to stop playing the single mom card. Oof. Sheila is pissed. Later that night, she complains to Natalie about Chelisa's alliance and how they're going to get rid of Mattie and Natalie just lies on the couch like a slug going, "mmmmmmm. hmmmmmmm." Sheila takes Ryan aside and tells him not to backdoor Matt; that Ryan can't trust Chelsia, Sharon, James or Joshuah. But he CAN trust her, Adam, Matt and Natalie. House Divided - Ryan as the Swing. Which way will he turn?

At the Veto Ceremony, blah blah blah. It's obvs Chelsia is going to take herself off the block. And Ryan's replacement nominee is...James. WHAAAAAAAT? Wow, did NOT see that one coming!

Josh is left sitting on the couch in shock and Matt tells Josh, "Sorry it didn't work out for you. IT'S ON." He runs outside whooping with joy. Oh shut up. Chelsia is still standing in the living room dumbly. James, in the DR, starts laughing and saying, "I got played!" Heh.

Wow, Ryan and Sheila, making a power play. Who knew? Nice work.

The people on this show make me want to pull out all my hair, one strand at a time. They make me want to slam my hand in a car door. They make me want to remove my own brain with a rusty spoon. They make me want to call up my parents and thank them, thank them profusely, for raising me right.

So. Ryan was all, "I'm HOH," and Chelsia was all, "BUCKEYES SUCK!" and James was all, "I'm losing her," and Nat was all, "duuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh," and Joshuah was all, "Dear God please give me the money and also help me stay away from carbs k thx" and Matt was all, "Natalie boiled my bunny" and the editors were all, "We've gone crazy" and Nat was all, "Now I know my ABCs, next time won't you duuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh," and Sheila was all, "and here's to me, Mrs. Robinson" and Adam was all, "I have crazy eyes" and Ryan was all, "Let's resurrect the Four Horsemen because girls are stupid and smelly" and Sharon was all "I talk through my nose" and every single houseguest was all, "Meats and beef are two totally different things" and Natalie was all, "I LIKE CEREL!" and Ryan was all, "Bros before hos" and James was all, "I hate these people" and Sharon and Chelsia were all "O snap we're nominated."

I am just now starting to suspect that this show is for stupid people. Chenbot briefly recaps the show's recent events, and then informs us that the houseguests DON'T KNOW that a shocking surprise is in store for them. Um, I'm pretty sure they DO KNOW, since there was a whole meeting about it with the siren and everything. Then she says, "But first, a mysterious siren has the housguests on edge." I have taken to keeping my cast iron pan next to the couch so I can just clang myself in the head whenever appropriate.

Now that Matty and Natty (his words, my barf) have taken themselves off the block, Matt has decided to act like a total douche and promise his vote to everyone. Allison approaches James and Chelsia to try to get their support as well, but James says he hasn't yet made any decisions. After a conversation with Sheila, James suspects that Matt is playing everyone, so he instigates a meeting at the pool table, calling Matt out right in front of everyone. Matt gets defensive while Ryan and Adam look used and dejected.

Then we're forced to watch the voting couples in the diary room, pretending to discuss who they're going to vote for and why. Obviously they've been asked to talk to each other instead of looking into the camera, and they can't quite pull it off. James tells Chelsia she's an idiot, which is a fun opinion coming from someone who tattooed the Colonel's tie onto his clavicle. James also makes an argument against keeping Sheila because she's not thankful to be there, and doesn't deserve it. I'm assuming he can make this kind of judgement since he is bicycling for peace or whatever.

Chenbot then shows the houseguests the clip where Matt and Natalie won the POV and jumped all over each other. I personally think it would have been way more entertaining if she showed them the clip where Matt was making out with Sharon instead. We also get to meet the respective friends of Natalie and Matt; to my complete shock and awe, all of Natalie's friends seemed naive and were wearing bikinis while all of Matt's friends were total douches.

Right before the votes are read, Chenbot spills the beans to us about what the mysterious siren means and when it's going to go down, RIGHT BEFORE THEY SHOW IT ON THE TV. Does this make sense to anyone? Good thing I had my frying pan handy. The house votes to evict Allison and Ryan, but the door is locked and they can't get out. Then the siren sounds, and there is really no suspense at all because Chenbot just told me that the game now becomes every man for himself and either Allison or Ryan will be leaving, but not both.

The house erupts in joy. Matt makes a beeline to James and they damn near get it on, right there on the couch. Natalie looks lost and forlorn, but is pretending to be happy because everyone else is. Allison is ecstatic because she thinks she's staying. James and Matt cannot stop hugging and hugging and hugging. Ryan's beard is asinine.

So, the houseguests vote again and it's unanimous, they all hate Allison. Her face disintegrates and my heart feels warm and fuzzy. Sharon is the only person who says goodbye and hugs her, but even her attention is long gone before Allison even reaches the door and she walks out alone. Then she sniffles all the way to Julie's couch and Julie asks Allison if she thinks she made a mistake when she decided to pretend to be a lesbian. Good times!

Ryan goes from low man on the pole to the first sole HoH. Let's hope one of his luxuries in the HoH room is a shaving template.

So. Natalie can't take a hint and Matt doesn't have the balls to tell her he's not interested in her. Natalie has been chasing Matt around the house, trying to give him a "massage" and he keeps running away. She's really kind of dumb, but dude, just grow a pair.

Gamewise, Allison and Natalie spend some time in the sauna discussing how to survive being nominated. Allison says it will make Josh crazy to see the two nominated couples having a great time together, and Natalie agrees. Allison says that they should try their hardest to win the veto and and take themselves off the block, then campaign extensively so that the replacement couple, hopefully Sheila and Adam, will get voted off instead. Natalie nods and smiles, and I'm unsure if she understands the plan.

The POV competition was some crazy set-up where the women were hanging from pulleys and attached to their partners so that when the men ran across the yard to fetch puzzle pieces, the women would be hoisted up to place the pieces on the puzzleboard up in the air. Allison just would not stop screaming frantically at Ryan. It was kind of disturbing. She figured out what she was supposed to do but was no match for the braintrust that is Natalie. I just hate Allison so much that when Natalie and Matt won, I actually cheered. Matt was so happy that he kept hugging and tackling Natalie, which was a mistake because this lead her to believe they'd be doing "massages" later that night.

After the POV, Matt regales us with how he manipulates his housemates by giving them what they want. He appeals to Josh by dancing around all gay and shirtless and smooching him. Then he appeals to Ryan as a friend, that he hopes they'll always be. Then he appeals to Allison by being a shoulder for her to cry on, because that's what she needs. Then he appeals to Sharon by telling her he's not interested in Natalie, and is it wrong to not want the hot girl with the fake boobs and thong? Then he jumps right on top of Sharon and shoves his tongue down her throat. At this time Natalie is searching the house looking for Matt and he hides in the HOH bathroom. Finally Natalie comes back and finds him in there, and he runs away. Sharon tells Josh what happened with Matt and that she knows he's trying to play her. Josh agrees that Sharon must whore herself out so that they can advance in the game.

Later on Matt's playing pool with Ryan and James, talking about how Natalie likes him but he can't just tell her he doesn't like her, because he can't just say that. And he means it, because when he finally decides to set things straight, he acts like a total asshole and gets angry with her instead of JUST TELLING HER HE DOESN'T LIKE HER. She insists she acts the way she does because she just wants to be friends. And then in the diary room she tells us that she still thinks she and Matt are soulmates. This woman is going to be so embarrassed when she gets home and sees the tapes.

Allison talks to Josh again, trying to sway him into no longer hating her, but she's not very sincere or convincing. She actually says, "I don't understand; why you would want to be in conflict with anybody ever in the whole world is beyond me." Really? These people say such stupid things to each other.

Next, the housguests are gathered in the living room where Sharon and Josh present a new distraction. They're told that when they hear a certain sound, they must all gather in the living room in order to expect something unexpected. Oh my heck! Allison is sure that this twist will save her from eviction, and Sharon is certain that the sound means something bad because it's not a happy, pleasant sound.

At the veto ceremony, Natalie and Matt do indeed remove themselves from the block and Sheila and Adam are nominated instead. You guys, exactly what shape does Ryan think his face is? It makes me so angry that he refuses to use his jawline as a guide when trimming his beard. He looks like an idiot.

I don't know if I've said this enough, but I really do not like ANYBODY on this show. I do, however, have an opinion on who contains the most crazy; Allison with Joshuah a close second. They're both almost the very same person, but something tells me that deep down, Joshuah knows he's full of shit whereas Allison truly believes in herself. CA-RAZY.

Right before the live eviction last week everyone was going to vote to keep Amanda and Alex when Allison suddenly changed her mind and told everyone the vote was going the other way. Josh and Sharon talked briefly and decided to vote along with everyone else even though they didn't agree because they didn't want to be the only ones who went against the grain. But this made them so angry that they vowed to win HOH and get rid of Allison. Win they did. But they cheered about it so much that Allison got angry suddenly it was on.

But it wasn't on that good. Josh only knows how to tell people that they're ugly, and Allison only knows how to act smug. They're both just so gross and smug and ugly that I hope they cannibalize each other. Allison was pretending she didn't know why Josh decided to go after her, and Josh pretended that the reason he hates Allison is because she pretended to be gay. I had to love the way both Josh and Sheila acted like she had nothing to do with any of it, because it suited both of them.

Later on Natalie and Matt were in bed and she was trying SO HARD to get him to fool around but he wasn't having it. Finally he gave in and they made out for 3.2576 seconds, when he pulled away and actually said, "That's all you get." She didn't even have the brains to be offended. In the diary room she admitted that this was her first rejection and it was just so confusing.

The food challenge was about teams making up a pallet of asparagus that weighed within ten pounds of their chosen houseguest. The entire backyard was filled with crates of asparagus and Natalie got so excited, both because it looked home and because in Oregon, asparagus is apparently worth its weight in gold. She was astounded by how much was out there since it is very pricey produce! Perhaps she does not know that North America's winter asparagus crops come largely from California, where she is currently residing. It's at about this point that I realize that Natalie is my favourite BB9 contestant (not saying much) and I just start crying. Anyway, everyone except for Matt and Natalie win their food category.

Natalie then painted a portrait of Josh using only nail polish and a paper towel. She did a pretty fine job considering 1) she used nail polish and paper towel, and 2) the portrait was of Josh.

Ryan found out about Allison's stupid lesbian story and got really angry that she'd do something like that because he's pretty much handcuffed to her and has to suffer her fate. She acted like she was in control of the whole thing and that she'd just go "flip" Josh. Ryan obviously didn't believe her. She went into the HOH room and totally tried to get Josh back on her side, but it didn't work. Josh and Sharon nominated Allison and Ryan as well as Matt and Natalie. I do not care.

Last night's episode of Big Brother was mad dull. You know this show sucks when the highlight was Julie Chen's sweater. Which, as Maggie pointed out, was this one. Do you think she made it herself? Or maybe one of her prison fans did. She is also wearing leggings and boots, and I really have to hand it to Julie for taking this "lake house in winter" theme very seriously. I'm hoping for the season finale she wears a red flannel coat and hunting gear.

Kicking off the show, Julie reminds us that Amanda/Alex and Natalie/Matt are up for eviction. We see everyone's DR thoughts, and I'm not going to even dignify the whole "Operation Condor" thing, because seriously, no. This passes for strategy? I long for Nakomis.

We pop into the house post-Veto ceremony. James tells us that he's got the votes to evict Amanda and Alex, so things are all wrapped up. Alex tells us he won't campaign against Mattie, since they're bros, yo, and then Matt tells us that he'll certainly campaign against Alex. Heh.

Amanda tells us that she's trying to get her blood sugar levels back up...I guess she's not on slop anymore. If she stays, I wonder if she'll have a slop pass for the rest of the season. Which, god willing, will end soon. Outside, Matt and Adam gloat about getting to the Final Two. Will the couples win as a team? Will the Final Two be Final Four? I don't really understand.

Allison watches Natalie and Matt work out and decides that perhaps they should be evicted instead. She talks to her allies in the HOH room about possibly voting them out instead of Alex/Amanda. Adam goes completely crazy-eyed and tells us that OPERATION CONDOR IS STILL IN EFFECT, no matter what. But James DRs that he's on board to dump Matt and Natalie. Meanwhile, Natalie tries to strike a deal with Sharon and Josh to get their votes. She looks so fucking ridiculous in that string bikini, begging and hopping around.

Ryan looks like he's wearing makeup.

Tonight is Live Voting, and everyone in the Diary Room talks about the pros and cons of who to evict. I don't even listen to these anymore because they really mean nothing. Julie "checks in" with the houseguests, and asks Allison and Amanda if things have changed since they nearly died. They say it was a big group hug. Blarg. She asks Sheila how things are with Allison, and it doesn't really seem like things have improved. In an nutshell, Sheila says that Allison can't be trusted. Allison just sits there like, "Oh, whatever, lady." Adam perches next to her making weird faces. Julie congratulates James on being so helpful with Amanda's incident and everyone applauds. He really did step up.

After commercial, we get a little video montage about James and Chelsia. He talks about his bike trip and we see his bar buddies all cheering for him. Then we see Chelsia listing all her Good Citizenship awards. She tells James if she wins, she'll donate the money to Make-a-Wish. I'm so sure. We see Chelsia's sister talk about how great James and Chelsia are as a team, and then we see them making moon eyes at each other. Yawn.

Julie talks to the HOHs privately and Chelsia expresses her worry that, because they put up Matt & Natalie after saying they wouldn't, the other houseguests won't trust them anymore. James starts talking about what scumbags the other contestants are because they're so materialistic, and they aren't going to spend the money on meaningful things. oh, shut the fuck up, James. Like you won't spend the money on yet another idiotic tattoo.

I HATE ALL OF THESE PEOPLE. ALL OF THEM. Maybe not Sharon. Has she done anything awful yet? Everyone else can go pound rocks.

I'm sorry, guys, this episode is so boring. I have nothing to say! Oh, it's time for the nominees to beg for their lives. The hair on my arms is already standing up in anticipation of Amanda's lovely dulcet-toned voice. Alex talks about his "trueness." Oh, and Natalie is wearing gauchos. And Matt is wearing Mom Jeans. And says he knows the decision was "wicked hahd," and my mind fills with thoughts of Jimmy Fallon and Rachel Dratch and for a split second I once again enjoy this show.

Time for the live vote! Adam and Sheila vote to evict Amanda/Alex. Joshuah and Sharon vote to evict Amanda/Alex and act totally sad about it. Josh even dramatically whispers, "What have we done?" Spare me, douche. Ryan and Allison are next and they, too, vote for Amanda/Alex. Unanimous! I guess they won't have Amanda to kick around anymore. I bet they turn on Sheila next.

Julie gives AA the bad news and Amanda starts to cry. Quick, Amanda - have a seizure! They love that! The boys all man-hug and there's a lot of back-slapping echoing into the mike and Amanda is a just a high-pitched drone of crying and snorfling and then Julie yells at them to leave the damn house already. DO NOT KEEP THE CHEN WAITING. Good gravy, Amanda is really broken up about this. I've never seen anyone leave the house this upset before. Inside, Joshuah is telling Sharon they have to "win it for Amanda." Since when does he care about Amanda? God, I hate these people. Have I mentioned that before?

Outside, Julie asks Alex why he didn't even try to campaign to stay in the house. She points out that Amanda was really trying to work it. And then says, "No bueno," and I just love Jokester Julie! They watch the goodbye videos and Allison is all, "WAH WAH ME ME ME WAH WAH WAH ME." Joshuah apologizes to Amanda once again. Good. Matt tells Alex that he will avenge his eviction. You know, everyone says that but it never actually happens.

Time for the HOH competition! Julie stumbles over her words in her intro. That big sweater must be overheating her motherboard. This competition is about the "love quotes" all over the house. The ladies will play first, then the men, and then the last two left standing will battle it out for their team's HOH. Sharon wins for the women; a clean sweep, too. Josh wins for the men, another sweep, and that means Josh and Sharon are the new HOHs. Joshuah celebrates a la Howie; meaning in a total and unreasonable manner. I imagine by the end of this week, Josh will be universally despised.

After commercials, Julie congratulates the new HOHs. The show ends with Julie telling us that next week the game will change, and I just know they're going to split up the couples which means the season is going to last longer and I just don't even understand how I'm going to make it.

It ends with a shot of Ryan's underwear hanging out of his jeans. Stay classy, Big Brother!

Good news, you're getting this recap in almost real time, as I have a busy day tomorrow and I know ya'll just can't live without your Big Brother 9 fix.

Ahem. I almost said that with a straight face.

Let's just dive right in, shall we?

We open with a recap of what seems like the entire season. Porno James and Chelsia are HOH, Amanda's team loses the food competition, our THIRD recap of the House versus Amanda fight, and the nominations - Matt/Natalie and Alex/Amanda. WHO WILL WIN THE POWER OF VETO? And who will end up in the hospital? And when will this season be over? WHEN, GOD, WHEN?

I guess the girls are taking the "Til Death Do You Part" portion of the show very seriously.

After the credits, Amanda tells us she's not surprised that she and Alex are up for eviction. However, she seems to think it's because they're a threat, and not because everyone hates her. Alex tells us as much. He's terribly rude to Amanda and tells her to get away from him. In the DR, Matt yells to us about James being a double-crossah with pink hayah. James says what I feel - "Whatever."

Natalie and Matt talk about how mad they are that James and Chelsia put them up after promising not to. Meanwhile, Alex sits outside in a hoodie, not unlike the unabomber, seething. He's such a big baby. Amanda comes bouncing out and asks him to keep a positive attitude. Her cheerfulness is hella annoying, but the rest of these people are such douches that it almost doesn't bother me.

Allison and Natalie dance around in bikinis with Windex. Don't know, don't care.

Shelia decides that Allison has been ignoring her since Jen and Parker were voted out, and Amanda totally plays into her paranoia. Eh. Sheila thinks Allison used her for protection, which doesn't make a lot of sense to me. How? Outside, Matt complains to Gay Porn James about being nominated. James just smiles and laughs and points out that it's just a game. James does realize he's only HOH for one week, not forever, right? He tells Alex and Matt to play their asses off for the Veto and that people respect those who play the game hardest. Boy's got a point, but he could suck up to them just a little. And god knows he's got a lot of experience with guys and sucking. HOO AH!

Commercials. Can I just tell you, even after all these years, it still totally creeps me out when Julie Chen says, "Do you like to watch?"

Time for the POV competition. Hey, you guys, Sharon is on this show! Has she spoken at all since she returned to the house? She and Josh will also be playing for the Veto, along