Archives: Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Wednesday June 8, 2005
Magic Happens

I thought the phrase was "S**t happens." When you're dealing with Brit and K-Fed, though, I guess the two are kind of synonymous. Here's a penultimate report from Xiaoxia, one of the few Americans still brave enough to watch this thing week after week. Heck, even I skipped it last night so I could watch Blow Out instead. Take it away, X:

We get a glimpse of a very trashy-looking Britney, complete with fried hair, an oversized t-shirt, and sweatpants (but at least this outfit is better than the dominatrix outfit she sported at the MTV VMAs a few years ago). K-Fed reveals to us that he wasn't going to tell Britney that he loved her until he knew that she truly loved him (which for him, means when she showers him with even more money). Alas, their relationship is going well again--mostly due to the sex, I would guess. Britney says something about the two of them being a "cute couple." Trashy? Yes. Cute? Definitely not. While the tour is in Madrid, Britney belts out some opera on her balcony to some very lucky Spanish citizens. The tour bus is stopped on the French/Spanish border, which scares Britney a little bit. Britney jokes that they're getting kidnapped and she confides in the videocamera, "I just want to be remembered as a good person." I'll remember you for your 55-hour marriage, for your infamous kiss with Madonna, and even for your short stint on the Mickey Mouse Club, but I'll probably not remember you for being a "good person." The tour bus becomes even more raunchy as a nude Britney films a very pleased K-Fed. Their next stop was in Paris. Britney tells K-Fed that she wants to see the "Eiffel ty-re." Britney (who confesses she has an obsession with fountains) spots what she claims to be the "biggest fountain [she's] ever seen" and proceeds to throw coins in there. The show ends with everyone flying back to New York City to film the music video for "Outrageous." While on the plane, Britney proposes to K-Fed! It was magical.

I'm kind of sad that the show is coming to a close. No longer will we be forced to endure an agonizing half-hour of concert footage and close-up kissing. This week's episode wasn't as bad as last week's, but I can't wait for next week's wedding. Jamie-Lynn Spears (my favorite pseudo-celeb) makes an appearance!

Posted by Max at 8:41 AM - link - Comments (2)
Filed Under: Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Wednesday June 1, 2005
Scared to Love You

The wise Xiaoxia writes:

Britney and K-Fed's blossoming relationship is put to the test in this episode when Britney tells K-Fed that she loves him. K-Fed is shocked by this declaration of love and doesn’t have anything to say back. Poor little Britney takes back what she said because she said she felt "silly." I personally think that K-Fed is a complete and utter idiot for not returning a simple "I love you" to a sexy, gorgeous, and RICH super star who has a lot to offer (a.k.a. cars, ghetto clothes, and jewelry) to him. Britney starts to get angry and starts kickboxing with a trainer to let her aggression out. Later, Britney and K-Fed have a meaningful discussion about their relationship and Kevin says, "I think that you're scared to love me and that makes me love you." I realize that backup dancers aren't the most intelligent people in the world, but seriously Kevin, you are a dumbass. Then we feel sorry for Britney again as she talks about how she once believed in romantic fairy tales (like the one she had with Justin...or Jason Alexander) but doesn't anymore. Britney, full of pent-up rage, tells us that she's not a little girl anymore, all while Strauss' "The Beautiful Blue Danube" is played in the background. It's really a wonderful juxtaposition, the trashiness of the close-up of a pop singer's face and the melodious offerings of a graceful waltz. This week's episode was kind of dull, but stay tuned for next week's episode because everything is wonderful again as Britney proposes to K-Fed!

Max adds:

This episode was pretty dull, but it did two things for me. First, it made me realize just how awful Britney's skin truly is. The girl can't get Felicia to run out and pick up some Proactiv? Second, it made Britney's heartbreaking ballad. "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" really come alive for me as she and K-Fed faced their fears of love and commitment...and personal hygeine.

Posted by Max at 7:45 AM - link - Comments (7)
Filed Under: Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Tuesday May 24, 2005
Who Said Anything About Love?

Another week of Chaotic (warning: there's sound at that link), another guest post from Xiaoxia, who makes me proud to be her English teacher (and a little fearful of losing my gig here to her--she's good, yo):

I was hoping that after last week's catastrophe, this week's episode wasn't going to bore or anger me as much as the last one did. I don't know whether it was the fact that the episode was only half an hour long or that the storyline this week was actually somewhat entertaining, but this week's episode wasn’t the agonizing hell that I had been expecting.

Britney's love for Kevin is starting to emerge. She gets nervous when K-Fed attends her London concert. K-Fed says something to Britney to which she responds, "Talk to the hand because the face ain't listenin'." Britney, that comeback died when I was in elementary school, please never use that again. Next, Britney and her crew are in Copenhagen. Her bodyguard Mo talks about his dislike for K-Fed and asks, "What the heck does she see in this guy?" Good question Mo, I bet many people around the world asked the same thing. K-Fed, being the loveable goof that he is, slaps Mo around. Out on the streets, I bet Mo would have put K-Fed in a coma, but in Britney-land, all Mo can do is sit on him. However, the fun ends when Mo realizes that Britney truly loves K-Fed and that being with him makes her happy. Puke. Next, K-Fed's back story is given. His parents got divorced when he was eight, he lived with his mom, blah blah blah...and then he got his first job dancing with LFO! Then there's a close-up of K-Fed and Britney kissing which totally grossed me out but Britney defends this kiss by saying, "It's all about the kiss." My favorite part of the episode is when Britney is on the plane. God, this girl really is a lunatic. She freaks out and yells, "Felicia, hold my hand...turn the camera off!" She freaks out because she "wants to see the ground." Don't we all Britney, don't we all. Later she and K-Fed kiss...again. This gratuitous kiss-fest really made me uncomfortable. I mean, would you want to watch two sleazy people make out? Luckily for us, in next week's episode, Britney gives K-Fed the silent treatment because he doesn't tell her that he loves her. But don't be worried! I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but these two kids eventually get married.

This week's episode wasn't that bad. Hopefully Mo will have a bigger role in the upcoming episodes.

Posted by Max at 11:49 PM - link - Comments (3)
Filed Under: Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Wednesday May 18, 2005
Can You Handle My Truth?

I was going to post my own recap here, with some additional remarks from the hilarious Xiaoxia, one of my brightest students. However, Xiaoxia's review of last night's raunchier-than-even-I-expected (and yest somehow still kinda boring) debut of Chaotic was so great that I have decided to post it in its entirety instead. Xiaoxia (it's pronounced "Zsa Zsa," which makes her name nothing short of major) is a true Brit & K-Fed expert--she passes out red Kaballah string bracelets at school to commemorate milestones in the Federline union, she's as addicted to reality TV as I am, and when she's not making straight A's on her tests you can find her poring over the latest copy of US Weekly. Like I said, she knows her stuff. Here's her recap/review--see if you can handle Xiaoxia's truth:

The show started off with Britney in her London hotel room. Although she says many idiotic things during the course of the show, none of them could top this beauty: she points her video camera at her knees and remarks, "They look like boobs but they're not! They're my knees!" Immediately, I knew we were in for a real treat. Brit explains that the reason she videotaped so often was because it filled a void that came with being lonely on the road. She takes her video camera and asked, "What do you think about commitment and marriage?" to several of the people that worked for her tour. Long after this question gets old, more people are asked this question. Good job UPN. Now we all know that Britney might not be the smartest girl out there, but she still has a good and kind heart, as demonstrated in her advice to her dedicated assistant Felicia: "Sometimes you need a valium. Sometimes you need to get laid." Britney now asks everyone a new question, "What is your favorite sex position?" Nobody answered with a real sex position and most responded with something along the lines of, "Whatever I can get" or "All of them." When someone asked this same question to Britney she wouldn't answer. She then asked what sex positions were and claimed that she was a virgin. The show then flashes back two weeks to Los Angeles and how Brit and K-Fed met. It was a magical night filled with minutes of grinding on the dance floor. This magical connection then compelled Brit to beg K-Fed to go to London for her tour. Now it was time for K-Fed to enlighten America with his musings about love. "Love is love. Love is commitment. I don't believe in marriage. Love, it is what it is." Oh Jesus…I weep for the Federletus! In the next scene, Brit and K-Fed are a "little tipsy" and they've turned the nightvision on. I was expecting either drunken sex or a drunken dance-off. Sadly, neither one happened; instead, Brit talked about marrying Brad Pitt and K-Fed talked about how he would never marry a celeb. Whatever, I don't care. I'm still mad that there wasn't a drunken dance-off. Luckily the fun picks up again when Britney (being the sophisticated young lass she is) reveals that sex with K-Fed is really great and she has sex several times a day with him. Score! Just what I wanted to know! Thanks Brit.

The main problem I have with the show is that most of the footage is shot by Britney using her own camcorder. Watching this show was agonizing considering it was pretty much an hour full of amateur home-videos. There were too many blurry shots and too many close-up head shots of Britney's face that left me with a headache. Will someone please tell Brit never to walk and film at the same time? I guess I know why this show is called "Chaotic" now.

The show, while entertaining, wasn't very amusing or funny. Most of the viewers probably know at least the basics behind the Brit and K-Fed relationship, so the show won't feature any new events but will probably provide more insight into their relationship. I honestly expected something that was less like a documentary and more like a sitcom.

I did learn a couple of things from this disappointing hour of hell. I learned that Britney is indeed the silly and dumb girl that we've all come to know and love. This was the first time that I've ever heard K-Fed speak. His voice was interesting--dark, mysterious, and handsome yet with a greasy feeling. I can't pinpoint it but I had wrongly assumed that his voice was high-pitched. K-Fed looked shady and in the alternating scenes, he'd switch from looking like a rap star to looking like a serial killer.

While I was disappointed by the first episode, I'll hopefully enjoy the others. They'll only be half an hour long, so I think I can stomach that. The relationship picks up steam in the next episode and that'll surely be interesting. What do you think about the first episode? Was it a disappointment for anyone else besides me? And what are some of the other highlights (or lowlights) that must be shared and discussed?

Posted by Max at 7:42 AM - link - Comments (12)
Filed Under: Britney and Kevin: Chaotic