Archives: Survivor: Guatemala
Monday December 12, 2005
Congratulations, Danni!

For the first time in a long while, I was happy with the final four and really, any of them could have won and I'd have cheered.

Wow, those people really clean up nice! My only word of advice to Danni would be to go easy on the lipstick next time. She spent so much time during the reunion part of the show making sure it wasn't on her teeth. Speaking of the reunion show, what was up with Jeff's hair? It looked like his mother combed it for him.

I did not understand Rafe's reasoning for letting Danni off the hook as far as her promise to take him to final two was concerned. Why would you do that? He played the game so well only to throw it away in the end. And then he demanded to know why Danni changed her mind. I guess he was feeling a little bitter because he thought that she would take him anyway. I wonder if Rafe would have won against Danni.

Judd did not disappoint...he was as bitter as I expected. He even used his wife to dig at Steph. "You can lie to me, but how dare you lie to my wife!" Whatever.

How cool was the Mayan ritual? I was totally nervous when they ate the sacrificial chicken.

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Posted by Maggie at 11:44 AM - link - Comments (33)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Friday December 9, 2005
Give Me a FREAKING Break

Reward this week was a car. Cindy won fair and square, but before Jeff handed her the keys he addressed the well-known car curse. No one who's won the car as a reward has won the game, and Jeff gave Cindy the opportunity to sacrifice her car so that everyone else could have one, perhaps saving her from that horrible fate.

She said no.

Rafe got ugly.

Rafe, I adored thee but thine jealousy of Cindy's 2006 Pontiac Behemoth really rubbed me the wrong way. Want a car? Win the challenge.

Cindy also won a feast and some time with an archeologist. She asked Steph to come along and while they were gone they congratulated each other prematurely on achieving Final Four. Upon their return Cindy blabbed about her Brand! New! Car! so much that Rafe's esophagus fell out and his head imploded. Cindy was actually so blinded by her Car! All! Mine! that she had no idea she was being completely obnoxious. She even thought everyone was excited to hear about her Fantastic! Automobile! Shiny!

In the end everyone (including Steph) succumbed to Rafe's jealousy and the car curse held true for another year. Cindy could not walk away without mentioning her Car! and its Sunroof! in a bitter fashion. I hope she and Car are very happy together and that the government doesn't give her too hard a time when they apply for the marriage license.

In the jury box, Judd enjoyed Cindy's demise greatly. Probably more than a whole bunch of White Castle hamburgers.

I just went back and read through the previous Survivor posts, and found that Rafe has orchestrated every vote for the last three weeks, without anyone actually realizing it. Now that's awesome.

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Posted by Maggie at 10:58 AM - link - Comments (22)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Friday December 2, 2005

Maggie's on her way to the US today, so it's fallen to me to recap last night's Survivor. I only have one thing to say:

I hope you all get bit by a freaking crocodile. Scumbags!

That was probably one of the greatest exits EVER on this show. Go Rafe and Danni!

Posted by freakgirl at 9:06 AM - link - Comments (16)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Thursday November 24, 2005
Go, Little Gay Mormon, Go!

Rafe is kicking ASS!

The morning after tribal council Judd caught Lydia and Gary talking strategy. When he brought it up to Steph, she assured him that she didn't think Lydia would go against the alliance. However, the reward challenge was the classic Oust Your Enemy type of game where Suvivors were given the opportunity to knock each other out. Lydia made the mistake of gunning for Steph instead of hiding her dissension. The reward included food and I understand that Lydia really wanted to eat, but considering Steph can't win a trivia competition to save her life, Lydia went after the wrong person. Steph took umbrage and went on a defensive rampage. Lydia claimed that Stephenie had eaten many times and she wanted a fair shot. It ended up being all for nothing since Cindy won and chose Rafe to tag along.

Gary complained to the camera that he didn't think Steph had lost any weight and that she was always eating corn and nuts. Since it doesn't look like there's any shortage of corn and nuts, I don't understand why Gary doesn't just eat more instead of cry about it.

Cindy and Rafe had a great time and ended up enjoying the spa element of the reward much more than the food. When they returned they said as much, and Lydia complained to the camera that it was rude of them to even discuss the food. She also found it extremely insulting that Cindy would have chosen Rafe instead of her. Whatever. Jamie must have worked some crazy voodoo Mayan mojo and swapped bodies with Lydia, because I could have sworn that practically every time she opened her mouth it was actually Jamie talking.

Rafe won immunity, barely defeating Gary in a challenge both physical and based on their memory of Mayan mythology. He was really proud of himself, and talked about how people don't expect little gay Mormons to be athletic and excel. Now, I had no idea the dude was a Mormon and I was surprised by his athletic ability, but only because he seemed to be a bit clumsy and uncoordinated at first. Rafe's been handing everyone their asses for the last few weeks. Awesome.

Judd made me very happy during tribal council when he called Gary out, saying it was dishonest to try to build an alliance with Lydia and Cindy when only a few days previous he stated that they don't deserve to win. Gary retaliated by tattling on Judd's lie about the immunity idol last week. Watching people fight during tribal council is what the Wizard of Words spells, F-U-N.

Gary was eliminated/evicted/denied a rose/voted off the island and is no longer in the running to become America's Next Top Model. Even Danni and Lydia voted for him to go. I actually liked Gary until he made that stupid comment about how some of the Survivors are "starstruck" by Steph and that they should just ask for her autograph. What bullshit. Starstruck for already having done what you're all doing right now? Come on. Also, living in such close quarters with no toilet and smelling each other's pits would take the shine off pretty quick, I think. Do other football players/landscapers ask you for your autograph?

Posted by Maggie at 2:30 AM - link - Comments (16)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Friday November 18, 2005
Iranoid Parany

Good episode. Jamie picked a fight practically the second they got back from tribal council and became Mr. Paranoia 2005. It's a shame, because he grows a damn fine-looking beard.

The reward challenge had the tribe split up into two teams and compete for the most awesome prize: a helicopter ride and spending the night at a private home with dinner, beds and showers. Survivors were tied together in pairs and had to crawl through mud and obstacles, the object being to carry containers of corn from one end of the field to the other in order to fill up a big pot. Lydia was tied to Cindy and the poor woman had so much trouble lifting her legs out of the mud. She could barely even crawl at one point. I could imagine how Lydia tired...nothing left in her muscles. Needless to say, Lydia's team lost so Steph, Judd, Danni and Gary spent the night away from camp.

In the morning they were surprised with videos from home. I thought all of the tapes were adorable...particularly Danni's dogs and Gary's daughter reintroducing herself in the event Gary had gotten hit in the head with a coconut. I was kind of hoping Gary's family would say something stupid about him being a football player, you know, because of the pressure not to. No such luck. Everyone's family seemed so nice and I ended up crying like I always do because I'm emotionally easy.

During the reward there was a little bit of game talk, but Steph and Judd hadn't made any promises or changed any loyalties. Surprisingly the shift was introduced by Rafe, who apparently just had enough of Jamie's constant paranoid questioning. Rafe won immunity (brilliantly, I might add) and I think this gave him the confidence to approach Lydia and Stephenie.

Jamie lost to Gary in the end, and went home. Judd was more suprised than anyone else. He made a face like someone had just stuck their finger in his bum. My goodness, but I've never seen eyes so round.

Posted by Maggie at 1:35 AM - link - Comments (11)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Friday November 11, 2005
Saint James

Jamie seemed to be really offended that Bobby Jon said he had no class after his behaviour over the last few days, and I was surprised when they both apologized and shook hands. I was even more suprised when Jamie forfeited his place in the reward dinner hierarchy, choosing to be last so that everyone else could move up a spot and have something better to eat as a way to make it up. I think everyone was suspicious of his actual motives. While I agree that Jamie realized he had made himself a target by being a jerk and wanted to save himself, I also believe he was sincere. Giving up food in Survivor can't be an easy thing to do.

I have to admit that when the Survivors walked into the restaurant and we saw all the cute doggies, I was a teeny bit worried as to what he was going to be served.

Judd won first place in the challenge and got to eat steak and lobster. He was allowed to invite two people to share his table which meant they could have dessert and alcohol. He chose Steph and Bobby Jon. Judd got PLASTERED. When they got back to camp Judd could barely walk yet thought it would be a good idea to gather firewood, so he tried to lift a giant tree trunk. Then he fell down. Then he barfed in the shelter. Then CBS showed us the barf. Great. Does anyone else think that Judd is The Family Guy?

Jamie won immunity during a challenge based mostly on balance. Rafe did incredibly well, and I felt bad but I couldn't stop laughing when he ended up upside down with his head in the lake. Aw. Hopefully Freakgirl can drum up a screencap for us.

Judd also won a clue as to the location of the mini-mmunity idol...that it's up in the trees. He shared the clue with Steph (why?) and some mis-information with the rest of the tribe...that's it's on the ground. Gary noticed Judd staring up at the trees and deduced with his Magic 8-Jaw that Judd must have been lying.

Gary must have felt that his number was up because he revealed that he had found the idol and presented it to Jeff. The second idol thing turned out to be rather anti-climactic. I was hoping for some more drama there. Anyway, Bobby Jon was voted out instead.

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Posted by Maggie at 2:57 AM - link - Comments (7)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Friday November 4, 2005
In Which Jamie Attempts to "Bigboy" Bobby Jon

Yaxha and Nakum merged with Yaxha at a huge disadvantage; four against six. The next morning the new tribe learned that there was a second immunity idol hidden in the jungle for someone to find and use at any tribal council (before Final Four), like a Get Out of Jail Free card.

The mood around camp was divided and dull, and nobody except Lydia even seemed to care to name the new tribe or paint the flag. They decided on Xhakum which, unbeknownst to them, is ancient Mayan for don't put your hand in the hornet nest. Unfortunately Rafe had never studied ancient Mayan, because that's exactly what he did while searching for the second immunity idol. Poor Rafe. I wanted to give him a hug.

Even though Bobby Jon privately told us that Steph made him want to puke, he had no problem asking her to help him make it to the jury. Steph told him she'd try to get everyone to vote Brandon out first.

The reward and immunity challenges were combined this time. Survivors could choose between feeling safe and stuffing their maws with delicious chicken, or they could put a clay pot on their head and compete for immunity. Steph, Jamie, Rafe and Lydia decided they didn't need immunity which made sense to me. Judd and Cindy decided to compete along with everyone from the former Yaxha.

Jamie acted like the world's biggest asswipe by taunting Bobby Jon and being cocky about how the power within the new tribe lay with the former Nakum. Rafe, who is sweet, was struggling with the morality of it all and felt terrible about Jamie's behaviour. Even Judd was embarassed; something I didin't think was possible.

In the end Gary and his jaw won immunity, Danni developed an 8-pack, Bobby Jon would not be bigboyed, Rafe loved his fellow man, and Brandon was tossed.

This may be obvious, but if Lydia wins this thing I'm going to hurl something across the room.

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Posted by Maggie at 1:32 AM - link - Comments (14)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Friday October 28, 2005
I'll Tell the Truth About Being a Football Player When I Feel Like Telling the Truth About Being a Football Player! Gosh!

What's better than watching Bobby Jon peel his shirt from his sticky, open, weeping sores? Typhoid, I imagine. Thanks CBS. Bobby Jon wasn't the only one covered in sores...Yaxha are rotting away or something. Mmmm. Later on Bobby Jon used his sores as bait while in the swimming cage and tried to catch minnows in his mouth. Girls in Alabama will surely beat his door down once he gets home, that charmer.

Reward challenge this week had the Survivors wind themselves up in long strips of fabric, wind themselves to each other, then unwind themselves. Yaxha won and were treated to a zipline ride through the jungle canopy and a feast of chocolate, cakes and fruit. Yaxha took as much back to camp as they could, then paddled over to Nakum's camp to invite them to a pool party for Danni's birthday.

Nakum was suspicious but went anyway and Yaxha shared the rest of their reward with them. Jamie behaved like a sociopath. I thought it was a really nice thing to do on Yaxha's part.

For immunity, each tribe had to put together a big puzzle; first they had to get the pieces which where all huge and heavy, with some buried in the sand. Nakum took the lead and actually managed to keep it, a win Cindy really needed to stay in the game.

Before tribal council Amy tried to save herself by connecting with Danni, but it didn't work. Even Gary voted against Amy, the jerk. At least he didn't make any cheap promises. After Amy's walk of shame Jeff sent the remaining Yaxha to merge with Nakum at their camp.

Gary's jaw has not yet fallen off and thanks to the chocolate, neither has Danni's pelvis.

Posted by Maggie at 2:09 AM - link - Comments (16)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Friday October 21, 2005
Judd, Margaret...When are You Going to Realize You're in Love?

In a surprise (well, surprise to me) double tribal council this week, each tribe lost one member. The challenge was for reward and involved two members from each tribe going against each other and pushing a giant boulder toward a goal line. Amy, because she's really lucky, twisted her ankle again and got run over by the boulder. That didn't stop her from giving it her all just a few minutes later when she helped Yaxha score a point against Nakum.

Bobby Jon and Jamie settled an argument the Southern way. Apparently it's bad form now to cheer when you win and Bobby Jon squawked at Jamie. Jamie squawked back, and there was much chest-puffing and squawk-yelling. If you were paying very close attention, Bobby Jon was actually screaming, "That's not nice!" Later Bobby Jon told Brandon that he really put Jamie in his place. Anyway, Nakum won reward.

Reward consisted of burgers, hot dogs and rationed drinks. Nakum won and each member was given two beers and a root beer. Rafe gave Judd one of his beers, Steph traded one of hers for Judd's hot dog which meant that Judd would have ended up with four beers. Piggy boy must have drank at least five since one was missing at the end when Cindy and Margaret went reaching for theirs. Judd thought it would a good idea to tell everyone to kiss his ass since he basically won them the challenge. Then he burped and farted. Not on camera, but I'm sure he did.

The winners of the reward challenge went on to compete for individual immunity, which Rafe won in spite of himself. Survivors had to untie bags containing letter tiles before they could arrange the tiles to determine a two-word phrase. I guess Rafe isn't good at scrambled word puzzles because he sat there staring stupidly at "ANNTIE C RUIN" while Judd peered over his shoulder and said it aloud. So Rafe won. Thanks Judd.

At tribal council Margaret said that Judd shows poor sportsmanship. Judd insisted that he's a good sportsmanship, because he doesn't actually understand the meaning of the words. Judd must have experienced delayed drunkenness because dude wouldn't stop talking or attacking Margaret. I thought more people would have been annoyed by Judd's earlier behaviour with the beer gluttony but everyone on Nakum ended up voting Margaret out.

Rafe stayed behind to listen to Yaxha's tribal council but left before the vote. Everyone declared their love and adoration for Brian, Bobby Jon called him a "good ol' boy," then they unanimously voted him out. I think Gary and Amy are pretty stupid not to have kept Brian and remain an alliance, but what do I know.

Does anyone else worry that if Gary loses any more weight his jaw is going to fall out? I fret about this.

Posted by Maggie at 2:42 AM - link - Comments (11)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Friday October 14, 2005
Gather Round and I'll Tell You the Tale of My Girlfriend's Boobs

I fail to understand the moronic idiocy that is James. What the hell? Did he not think maybe he should turn around and see what Brandon was doing? During the reward challenge Yaxha completed the entire challenge before Nakum even got started. They had to hack through a couple of thick ropes with sharp rocks. Brandon made quick work of his, but James practically sat there and asked the rope nicely to cut itself. Yaxha won an awesome reward...a croc-proof swimming cage with a deck and lounge chairs, along with margaritas and chips, salsa and guacamole.

Later on James tried to make Brandon out to be some kind of rope-cutting guru and said that nobody would have been able to cut the rope like Brandon. I've seen 2001: A Space Odyssey so I know for a fact monkeys could have cut through that rope.

Before the immunity challenge Blake regaled his tribe with a lovely description of the size of his girlfriend's breasts. Lucky for him, being a tit man, they're big. And when she's on the pill, they're even bigger. I'm so glad...I spent a few sleepless nights worrying that Blake wasn't getting enough tit, but now I can get on with my life. Blake seemed to really piss off Bobby Jon when he exposed him for being a leg and and ass man. I guess Bobby Jon don't like to talk 'bout ass in mixed comp'ny.

Meanwhile, at Nakum, Lydia suddenly vanished, only to be replaced by half of Kriss-Kross and did some kind of dance that symbolized the ritual of cooking breakfast. I was half entertained and half embarrassed to death. Either way, her enthusiasm worked and Nakum won (gasp!) the Immunity Idol.

In the dumbest vote since the history of ever, Yaxha cut Blake loose. Somehow Brian, Amy and Gary managed to convince a couple of the Former Nakum to help them vote out one of their own. Brian had been baiting Blake to tell stupid fratboy stories and that seemed to be what ultimately convinced Danni and Bobby Jon to oust Blake instead of Brian. Nobody blabs about Bobby Jon's love for ass and leg and gets away with it!

Posted by Maggie at 1:03 AM - link - Comments (23)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Friday October 7, 2005

The reward challenge this week became a nightmare for some of the Survivors as the tribes were split up and reformed. Steph managed to remain on the losing tribe, so at least everything's consistent. Judd was happy with the switch, because even though most of the, ahem, tosterone ended up on Yaxha, Judd flipped his loyalty from his original tribemates to the new Nakum members: Steph, Jamie, Rafe and Lydia. Judd began to fancy himself the leader of the new Nakum. I began to laugh because he's kind of deluded.

At Yaxha Gary found himself on the same tribe as Danny and continued to deny his former football career. Danny played along as though she must have been mistaken, but her face clearly showed she knows she's right. I wonder how that will play out, since Amy told the camera that she'd be mighty pissed off to find out Gary has been lying and is a retired football multimillionaire. Considering Amy and Brian are Gary's only allies right now, I'd say he's in dangerous territory.

The immunity challenge involved throwing clubs in order to break large tiles, and the first tribe to break three won the challenge. Nakum was ahead with Steph breaking the first tile rather quickly. Judd lost their lead by failing to step aside after being unable to connect, thereby not giving anyone else a chance. He finally broke the second tile, but by then Yaxha had caught up and ended up winning.

Judd revealed his loyalty to his new alliance by helping to vote out Brooke instead of sticking with his original Nakum alliance and getting rid of Lydia. Next week we get to watch him face the wrath of Margaret.

Posted by Maggie at 3:30 AM - link - Comments (8)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Friday September 30, 2005
If You Didn't Know What a Pick Was in Mayan Times, They Killed You

Since Max fell off the TAR train, Freakgirl's taking over. Which means I get Survivor. Score!

Rafe and Gary began eyeing the insects again. Go big or go home, I say. If you want the extra protein, scrape the damn termites off the log and have at it. Tasting teeny termites one by one is for sissies. Of course, I sleep with a can of Raid within reach at all times, so don't listen to me.

The reward challenge this week provided Nakum with some comfy blankets and a huge tarp. Bobby Jon, Brandon, Blake and Judd turned into big pouty babies when Margaret gave them some much needed suggestion. Apparently when womenfolk tell the grown men how to do something, it makes it not fun! Who knew?

Immunity was won but certainly not by Yaxha. They were the losing team. In case you didn't know they were the losing team, Steph will tell you all about it every 5 minutes. The reward challenge was close (and fun because Danny of Nakum kept getting hit in the head) but there was no chance for Yaxha this time. Brianna didn't feel like playing, you see. So they voted her out. And the door did in fact hit her ass on the way.

Posted by Maggie at 1:08 AM - link - Comments (11)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Friday September 23, 2005
Covered in Mud and Eating Ants

Last night's Survivor kept with the theme of Toughest Season Ever. Blake is still sick, and having breathing problems. I don't want to minimize whatever he's going through, but I wonder if he was actually having anxiety attacks. Because during the competitions, boy was ON. Just a thought. Anyway, this week Nakum won the reward challenge of fishing gear, leaving Yaxha to start munching on ants and grasshoppers. Eek! Steph was having none of that, but didn't do anything other than stand around and make cute faces. Meanwhile, Lydia made a tiny little cove and caught some tiny little fish. Yay, Lydia! The immunity challenge later on is a giant tug of war in a giant mud pit. It was dirty. DIRTY! The highlight here was that Judd predicted he would be a star that day, and he was. So good on him. And Danni called out Gary on his former NFL career, who later denied it to Brian. Yaxha lost immunity, and those jackasses started talking about voting out Lydia because she is old and weak! OLD! She is 42! And she caught fish! Luckily, they realized what a dumb idea that would be and set their sights on Morgan, the lazy magician's assistant. She's so lazy, she falls asleep during the "saw a lady in half" trick. She's so lazy, it takes her an hour to pull a rabbit out of a hat. More? No? Okay. Sorry.

and p.s. Brandon needs to get over himself.

Posted by freakgirl at 7:08 AM - link - Comments (11)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Friday September 16, 2005
Survivor: Death Camp

Well, Survivor started up again last night and it was definitely the most physically brutal opener they've ever had. An 11-mile hike in grueling heat, carrying supplies, and it nearly wiped out every male in the Nakum tribe. And how about the surprise, eh? I knew about it already, but it was still fun to see. I'm generally not too big on people getting second chances, but Steph and Bobby Jon deserve it if anyone does. My preference would have been that they play the game as tribal elders who cannot win the money but can influence strategy, but hey, it was cute to see Steph get choked up when she finally got to touch Jeff's immunity idol. (DIRTY!)

As for the other Survivors, I still don't have much of a sense of them yet, so here are a few first impressions. Margaret seems no-nonsense, smart and unlikely to panic. Thank god she was there to take care of all the sick people. Blake was getting on my nerves; I thought he was a crybaby - I know, I'm heartless. Danni looks like Tawny Kitaen in better days. Rafe is Andy Dick and I'm either going to love or despise Judd. I am afraid of Lydia and the fact that she's a "fishmonger." And speaking of that, what's up with the weird occupations this year? We have actual zookeepers and magician's assistants. Awesome. I hope to see a magic show among the ruins.

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Posted by freakgirl at 8:03 AM - link - Comments (22)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala
Thursday August 11, 2005
Survivor News

News on the upcoming season of Survivor. [link via reader Frank] By the way, he discusses a couple of rumors in his post. Not sure if they should be considered spoilers; I don't think so, but I figured I should mention it. Also worth mentioning is that the ads on his blog may not be SFW.

Posted by freakgirl at 1:10 PM - link - Comments (0)
Filed Under: Survivor: Guatemala