There was no post last week for The Apprentice because I didn't get it watched in time, and since commenting had dropped off huge once Lost came back, I figured I could slide on this. And I never promised you guys rose gardens, anyway! But I have to post about this week because it's fun to realize how rich people are not like regular people
Last week's ep: Omarosa ended up on the same team as Percy, and we can all guess how well that ended. He started out being a dick to her, but she took the retaliation way over the line and across the ROOM from what is okay, and started saying things like his kids must be ashamed of him, he's a horrible father, he cheats on his wife. The only thing that came out of her gob were a slew of ugly nasties. I do not know how Percy managed to refrain from punching her gormless face. This went on throughout the entire task.
The task involved raising money for charity, natch, by selling horse-and-carriage rides. Percy's team won because he got lots of rich people to give him lots of money. Tito Ortiz' team lost because his Adult Girlfriend Jenna Jameson only forked over a cheap grand for her carriage ride. How suck was that? Stephen trotted out yet another Better Baldwin Brother, Billy. Billy looked pretty good, too. In the end, they fired...ah...shit. I have to go look it up, I forgot. Oh right. No one was fired.
This week's ep: The task this week was to schlepp something via QVC, the winner would be judged by the most cash raked in. I don't even know who's on what team anymore, it doesn't matter. Both teams wanted to sell the ladder/dolly, but Marilu won the coin toss (Stephen is just not God's boy like he thinks he is), so the other team had to go with the vacuum thingy. During rehearsals Marilu dumped her QVC co-host right on his ass with the ladder/dolly. I guess she forgot it HAD WHEELS ON IT BECAUSE IT'S A DOLLY. Oops. And HAR!
During her tv time, Marilu progressively gained energy until she was leaving trails on the screen and talking so fast. Reminded me of that time I went to that rave and everyone was taking the crystal meth. Trace, during his appearance, told us that he has five daughters who are always leaving their nuts and bolts all over the place, so he just sucks them up with his vacuum. Trump was fucking AMAZED. "Nuts and bolts with a vacuum? Marketing genius! What a great product! Trace is a genius! Nuts and bolts, that's something else!" Because Trump has obviously 1) never vacuumed and 2) never watched tv between 2-4 am.
Stephen's team (vacuum) won because of a phenomenon called Easy Pay. Rich people don't know about Easy Pay because for them everything is Easy to Pay. Porche? Easy Pay! Swimming pool? Easy Pay! But now these rich people have been introduced to Easy Pay for poor people...people so poor that we need to pay for a $60 vacuum in five goddamn installments. REALLY?
In the boardroom Percy complained about Lennox being hung over and tired that morning, calling him Sleepy Boy. Trump freaked out, saying it was not necessary to call someone Sleepy Boy. WTF? Does Trump think Percy said something racist? It was all very weird. In the end, Marilu should have brought Carol back for the ax because Carol is a veteran QVC peddler who should have known about Easy Pay for the Benefit of Destitute Americans. So Marilu got fired, and on her way out Trump told her she was a quality woman. As opposed to an at- or sub-par woman? What an asswipe.
In the first 5 minutes before the opening credits, the show vomited all over itself. First, Percy and Omarosa told each other what a loser they thought the other was, which was relatively entertaining. But then Stephen called a meeting with His Highness and tried to quit the show because he hates Percy. Trump wouldn't let him, instead Stephen was forced to join the women's team. This suited him just fine but the women weren't pleased. He said he wouldn't get in the way, it would be okay with him to just run errands and get their coffee. When he said that, Lennox Lewis got all macho and sexist and stupid, saying that he had no respect for a man who wanted to get a woman some coffee. WTF?
Not that it mattered, really, since Stephen didn't even show up to work the task because he had to do some church thing.
When the "corporations" met with Trump to get their task assignment, he introduced them to Vera Wang and Bob of Sealy Mattresses. I have NO IDEA what their task is supposed to be because I was too busy not understanding why Vera Wang is DESIGNING MATTRESSES. Are mattresses not already expensive enough?
Lennox was the project manager for the men. Was he effectual? Let's take a vote. Percy was so irritated with Lennox's refusal to make any calls, so of course I was utterly delighted. They planned some stuff and did some stuff, I honestly don't know what.
I was just as knowledgeable of the women's progress. The only think I know is that they kept editing Marilu to seem like she was totally cracked out.
OHHHH! They're making department store windows! Durp. I get it now.
When the windows were completed, Vera and Bob toured them. Vera loved the women's wedding-themed display, ooohing and aaaahing and being very excited. Stephen came back from church in time to play the groom in the little tableau. Was Carol wearing one of Vera's famous wedding dresses?
The men incorporated a theme of timeless romance in their display, showing Cleopatra and Mark Antony having champagne. Vera seemed way less excited about this one, but Bob must have trumped her because guess who won?
George! George came back this episode to entertain me. During the boardroom, the women were pretty much berated for being so ridiculously obvious as to link Vera Wang's mattress with weddings. Omarosa tried to get rid of Stephen but The Donald Jr. told her it would be a mistake since Stephen, while absent for religious purposes, did not have anything to do with the women's demise. She chose to bring Marilu and Nely back with her, and Trump fired Nely's pants off. The end.
I didn't recap The Apprentice last week because I was so busy packing and being excited about our trip to New Jersey, that I completely forgot the show existed. We watched it the other night. Same shit, different day. Both teams were trying to outsell each other to benefit charity, and last week they were selling tickets to Broadway shows. Percy managed to get his buddy Richard Branson to buy $10K worth of tickets, and Nely almost got the same sort of deal through her own contacts but they didn't bring the money in time. Trump said a bunch of patronizing crap to Jennie and then he fired her.
This week it's all about Crocs. Flipping CROCS. I missed the beginning of the episode, but apparently Crocs wants you to give them back the Crocs you bought so that they can be recycled into new Crocs for people in need from third-world nations.
I don't know what it is, but this whole thing rubs me the wrong way. I'm all for recycling and for helping people out, but I just hate the idea of giving Crocs back their shoes so they can make more shoes out of them. Maybe what I hate is the idea of there being MORE CROCS out there.
Let's move on. The men decided to make some drama so Percy and Vinny pretended to have a big fight in order to send Vinny over to the women's team to spy. The women took Vinny in as part of the team and they came up with some good stuff together. Vinny took notes and tried to pass them to Stephen Baldwin, but Stephen Baldwin wouldn't take them because that's cheating and GOD IS WATCHING. When Ivanka came by to see how the men were doing, Percy told her about their sabotage plan and she admitted that she enjoyed a bit of sabotage every now and again.
Vinny later decided that he'd rather see the women do well and have Percy get fired, which is what he told The Donald Jr., but it all blew up in his face because he said she said and so the women fired Vinny. Then Vinny said, Am I a clown, do I amuse you? And I said YES VINNY YOU ARE AND YOU DO.
Then a giant Croc happened. Do Not Want.
Both teams presented their campaigns without Vinny. In the boardroom they rehashed the whole snafu to the mind-numbing point where I decided to just take a nap and tune back in to find out who lost and who got fired.
Longest. Boardroom. Ever.
The women won. Vinny quit. Then they played Don't Stop Believing...does this mean Vinny gets whacked or does life go on? I AM VOMITING.
Trump introduced some big shots from Kodak and announced that the competition would be to create a campaign for Kodak's new ink and printer. The winning team would be chosen by Kodak. Trump asked Gene if he would lead the women's team this time since the women were doing such a horrible job. Gene agreed, and then endeared himself to me when he accused Trump of being the devil.
The Kodak execs made themselves available to educate the teams on the products they were promoting. All of Hydra's many heads attended the meeting and learned that the big deal here was Kodak's new ink innovation. Gene decided he was way too smart to meet with the execs, so as the self-proclaimed Benevolent Dictator, he sent his loyal subjects, Dumb (Carol) and Dumber (Nely). The execs kept trying to talk about the importance of the ink while Nely asked irrelevant questions and Carol did nothing.
Percy or Peris or whatever his name is, decided that Kodak's ink price is a KNOCKOUT price and made Tito and Lennox take their shirts off and pose with the printer while Stephen took their photos. When they all went to get off the conference table, they tipped it and Percy's coffee spilled right into his laptop, destroying all the work they'd done to that point. Percy blamed Stephen, and I was okay with that.
On the street, both teams set up their trailers and displays. Gene told us all how great and right and smart he is, and I had to admit that their display was fantastic and so was his slogan. However, because Nely and Carol missed the ENTIRE point of their meeting with Kodak, nothing they did emphasized the importance of the ink. Hydra's trailer and set-up were horrifying, but the few signs they did have screamed, INK INK INK. Then Alec Baldwin came by to play the shill and bought a couple of printers for $1000 apiece.
People were buying printers left and right, walking away carrying these huge, ungainly boxes. I wonder if anyone got jumped.
In the boardroom, Hydra was informed that they won even though their whole presentation sucked ass, simply because Empresario missed the mark. Gene announced that Kodak was wrong, that Empresario won even if Kodak didn't know it. Gene wanted to bring only Omarosa to the boardroom. Trump, and I'm paraphrasing here, said, "If you bring Nely I will fire Nely. If you don't bring Nely I will fire YOU." Gene is as effective a listener as Nely, so he chose Jennie. Ivanka was confused but Jim was incensed. "Insolence," he cried! "Insolence to you, Donald Trump!"
I was totally disappointed that Gene didn't turn the situation around and get Omarosa fired, something I think he could have done. However, it seemed to me that maybe Gene was bored and done so he just sat there while Trump fired him. Such bullshit.
So, the men are Hydra corporation, obviously named for its multitude of, ahem, heads. And the women are Empresario corporation, which spelled as such is not a word, which apparently bothers only me.
This week the teams were competing to raise $20,000 for The Pedigree Adoption Drive. They had to each produce a 30-second spot informing the public that Pedigree donates a portion of their sales to faciliate pet shelters and adoptions. Gene Simmons and Nely Galan were project managers.
At Hydra, Gene Simmons insulted Ivanka with some trademark sexist bullshit to make doog tv and then banned Tito Ortiz from helping in the project because dude is obviously a stump.
At Empresario, Nely led the women to the Pedigree office to talk to the CEO and find out what they should include in their commercial. Omarosa spent most of the time on her laptop doing who knows what, Marilu Henner spent most of her time trying to get the hired actors to stop acting because their acting was HEINOUS.
At crunch time, Tito Ortiz and Big Pussy decided they wanted to know what was going on so they stormed in on Gene and Stephen and then got kicked out again.
We got to see the ads in the boardroom and it was obvious the men were going to win. They did a much better job, and Tito Ortiz was relieved. He "went from being kind of a frown face, to a smile." Dude is a STUMP. Even though Hydra's win was decided before the boardroom, Omarosa didn't help matters any when she was visibly delighted with her opponent's work, and then when called on it she stammered idiocies about how Lennox Lewis was her hot, married brother. I don't know.
In the end, Nadia was fired because she didn't provide decent craft service to Empresario's crew. And because she had nothing to say, really.