Celebrity Apprentice cast revealed. I'm sorry, people, but no. I will not, and you can't make me. No.
The Apprentice is over. Not dropped by NBC, even though you know it totally was, but The Donald quit. YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT. All I have to say is, thank christ.
The finale The Apprentice: Los Angeles was so dull, I can't even write a play about it because there is nothing to report.
It all went down the way we expected - first Frank was fired, then Nicole (and did anyone catch her brother - I think that was her brother - screaming at Trump after he fired her? so weird), then James, making Stefani the winner. At least I assume that was Stefani, although I didn't recognize her. I remember Stefani as a very attractive woman with straight hair and glasses on the tip of her nose. Last night I saw what I can only describe as a country and western singer.
Anyway. When it got down to the final two, Trump said he was going to show a film of Stefani's "lovely family." And then we got video of her talking on the phone. I didn't know that Stefani is basically a union-buster. Gross. James' family was adorable, I have to admit.
Let me just say that Nicole should not have won, and I'm glad she didn't, but Trump firing her because she dated Tim was just so hypocritical and bordered on misogynistic. He's such an ass. And I loved how they wheeled out George to blab about whatever and didn't even let him sit down. Anyway, it's over, and for that I am glad.
Congratulations to Pammysue, who won our Yahoo contest!
Another Apprentice play for your consideration:
(open with Donald and Junior literally hiding in the candidate's house and sneaking up on them in the kitchen)
Stefani: WHY HELLO! I totally wasn't just talking about you and saying things like, "I don't care about executives, I only care about Trump."
Frank: (drooling)
Nicole: ARE YOU HUNGRY DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU SOMETHING TO EAT SERIOUSLY DO YOU WANT DINNER
Donalds: Cocktail party, previous winners of my game show, just go.
Everyone: Final Four, woo!
Apprenti: Good luck, suckers, you're going to need it. Choose teams for your final task. DO IT.
Nicole: TIM TIM TIM TIM TIM TIM TIM TIM TIM TIM
Frank: Obviously I'm going to bring back the one person I hated with a passion, Surya.
James/Stefani: We're going to pick the guy who did nothing but stand there when he was PM, and a girl that neither of us have ever spoken to before in our lives.
Trump: Your task is to make a commercial for Renuzit. Apparently it makes stinky things smell better. I suggest you use it directly on this show.
Nicole: Let's set our commercial in a hospital, because nothing conveys a positive message more than sick and dying people in a facility so filthy that people are expected to bring their own cleaning products. Oh, and let's make the mother a smoker. TIM TIM TIM TIM TIM TIM TIM TIM
Frank: I know! Let's put a sweaty junkie in the bed next to the kid. Homelessness and drug addiction are hilarious.
James: INTERESTING! INTERESTING! CUT! ACTION! CUT! INTERESTING! ACTION! CUT! AGAIN! INTERESTING!
Stefani: (adjusts glasses, looks at watch)
Movie Audience: WE LOVE STINKY BUMS!
Tune in next week to see the live finale. Apparently this was the last task. Lame, lame, lame.
As last week's went over quite well, please to enjoy another edition of The Apprentice: A Play in One Act.
Frank: Eeek! A mouse!
Phone Girl: It's okay , Frank, time for the tribes to merge.
James: We must now choose teams and I will quickly assure my victory by choosing Stefani.
Kristine: I will crush Heidi and beat her at her own game. I choose Nicole.
Nicole: Zzzzzzzzz
Heidi: But that leaves me with Frank. Wait-
Trump: Your task will be to somehow come up with an ad campaign for my tacky Vegas buildings that doesn't bring to mind the Twin Towers. Best of luck.
James/Stefani: Brainstorming
Nicole/Kristine: Brainstorming
Frank: I see something shiny!
Heidi: (cries)
Stefani/James: We're done. We're awesome.
Kristine: I'll do it all myself and Trump will think I'm a star.
Nicole: Zzzzzzz
Heidi: I am completely falling apart.
Frank: Let me help you.
Heidi: Leave me alone.
James/Stefani: (flawless presentation)
Nicole/Kristine: (three stooges presentation)
Frank/Heidi: uh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh
Kristine: By the way, Trump, Nicole sucks and you should fire her.
Trump: By the way, Kristine, your brochure has the wrongest phone number possible.
Nicole: (snickers)
Trump: Heidi, what the hell?
Heidi: I don't know, I don't care, I'm exhausted, please fire me.
Trump: Heidi, you're fired. You too, Kristine.
Kristine: What the FUCK?
Trump: Get the hell out, all of you.
This week on The Apprentice: A Play In One Act.
Arrow: You're not loyal!
Tim: What are you talking about?
Arrow: We need someone to destroy! You're not loyal!
Nicole: quackquackquackquack
Heidi: Mouthwash! Hot ladies!
Frank: honkhonkhonkhonk!
James: Where is my hair gel?
Tim: I lost my shoes! Bad breath!
Frank: crunchcrunchcrunch chips?
Heidi: Watch as I restore Kinetic to its former glory!
Trump: Arrow, you suck! Tim, you are disloyal!
Tim: ???
James: DISLOYAL! NICOLE!
Frank: HonkhonkhonkNicoleDisloyalhonkhonk!
Stephanie: (balances glasses on nose)
Ivanka: Boobies!
Tim: ???
Trump: Even though I have encouraged your relationship with Nicole from the very beginning, I will now reverse my position and fire you.
Tim: ???
Let me start off this post by saying that every week, I start hating Trump a little bit more. Where does he get off? Well, we know HOW he gets off, anyway - thinking about Nicole and Tim. But saying that he has the number-one show on television? Do you think his people just tell him that to keep him quiet? And continuing to call Heidi his star, even though her team SUCKS lately? Gah. GAH! SHUT UP! Although I did enjoy it when he asked Nicole at the end of the boardroom why she was so stupid. Good times.
This week, Nicole was traded over to Kinetic, totally overreacted, and somehow managed to get the entire cast involved in some sort of weird high-school exchange where they all yelled at Tim through the bushes. All that stood out for me about this episode was that there were roller skates, and free water, and perhaps when Frankie Suits ends up being the voice of reason during the course of the episode, you might want to re-evaluate what is going on with your show.
Oh, and Angela got fired. I'm surprised she lasted this long, actually.
These screencaps are an homage to Rich at FourFour's "blowjob face" caps for his ANTM posts.
The Apprentice this week was the obligatory "the Apprenti make a commercial" episode, which I always greatly enjoy. The product this time was Soft Scrub, and the teams had to make a short webisode soap opera featuring the product. Each team's idea wasn't bad, actually, but I knew that Kinetic would lose when they let Muna on-camera, and when they featured the product in a sort of negative way (use Soft Scrub to hide the evidence of your lying and cheating affair!). Arrow's commercial was awesome for two reasons - 1) Tim's obvious discomfort at having to propose to Nicole and 2) Frank's delivery of the line, "THIS BATHROOM LOOKS SO CLEAN!" I laughed for three hours.
Trump once again went nanners in the boardroom, turning the entire decision-making process over to Heidi, for reasons I cannot explain. After agonizing and trying to talk her way out of it, she admitted that she liked Kristine better than Muna, and Muna was given the boot. Whatever. Kristine really deserved to get more of a beating in there, but Trump was, as usual, living on a different planet.
This week on The Apprentice, everybody hated on Surya, Tim looked exhausted, Stefani didn't speak, and the show benefitted from some creative editing. When they originally shot this episode, the audience was to vote on which halftime show was best, NOT the terrified-looking GNC guy who obviously lost some sort of office pool. Anyway, according to reports, both halftime shows were so crappy that the audience refused to participate. HA!
As for the rest of this episode...whatever. I can't stand the now-rich tradition of Apprenti deciding they hate somebody and railroading them until Trump fires them because he can't stand hearing about it anymore. I understand that Surya was a pain in the ass, and more of a talker than a doer. However, the fact that Arrow lost this week's task just proves that they take the first idea that strikes their fancy and then run with it, whether it's viable or not.
I was going to write more, but I'm bored now.
Honestly? I don't even remember what happened during the episode because I was so shocked by the ending. WTF was that all about? Whatever it was, though, it was awesome. I have never seen Trump in such a bitchy mood. Oh, and poor old Randall; what did he do to deserve being treated like that? Oh yeah, HE APPLIED FOR THE SHOW IN THE FIRST PLACE. No mercy.
Anyway, this week our merry group of suckbutts had to put on an event to celebrate Lexus and its new luxury car. Not too tough. We've seen this before on the show. You need product knowledge, slick presentation, and fancy food. Seriously, that's all people want. NOT GO-KARTS. I can't believe that's the best Kinetic could come up with. As if these 50- to 60-year-old people in their Sunday best are really going to want to climb into a go-kart and get dirt on their good suits. What was even more awesome about this was the fact that the team openly admitted to Trump that they only did it because they couldn't think of anything else. Let that sink in a little. Derek jokingly suggested go-karts, and BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T COME UP WITH A SINGLE IDEA, they went with the joke one. I love it.
Obviously, Kinetic lost. Over at Arrow, Surya led his team by whiteboard. I think it's foul, the way his team is treating him. I think Surya is young and sometimes kind of weird, but the way they cut him out of everything and do whatever they want and make fun of him openly? Really bothers me. Arrow's reward was doing a "rap" with Snoop Dogg, and the less said about that, the better. I will only point out that Snoop and his friends had to have been stoned beyond belief. Hopefully TVGasm will put up a video later of the entire debacle.
Here's a little something I've noticed about Derek. Has he been "responsible" for anything, ever, on any task this season? Isn't he always just narrating and talking about how somebody else is responsible and he only reports to them? What does he do? Why is he there? I'm glad he was there, though, because when Kinetic went into the Boardroom, Derek contracted some sort of diarrhea of the mouth where he started taking blame for everything, even things that weren't his fault, got overly nervous, cracked a joke about being "white trash," and...TRUMP WENT NANNERS. Trump just starts screaming at him about the term "white trash" and how dare he say that and what kind of person is Derek, anyway, and on and on and suddenly Trump yelled, "DEREK YAH FIED" and everyone just sat there, stunned, and Derek sort of didn't believe it, and when he realized it was true, he started laughing. And I loved him just a little bit at that moment.
After Derek rolled on out of there, Trump took Jenn to task, rightly. Even she stayed in good humor and started cracking up and telling Trump she knew she was going to get fired and oh well. He fired her, her entire team hugged and kissed her as she left, and she did a very cheery exit interview in the cab. Good on her and good on Derek. At least they didn't go out looking like morons. Of course, with this show, it's all relative, isn't it.
p.s. Tim and Nicole? Shut up.
This week the teams broke into the fast-paced and challenging field of racking up contest entries for Priceline vacations. Surya led Arrow to victory by being lucky enough to work the mall with a higher percentage of English-speaking patrons. Basically, despite Derek and Muna's efforts in helping the Spanish-speakers go through the entry process, Kinetic just didn't acquire enough entries. In the boardroom, Aimee tried to make a case against Derek and Jenn for deliberately hiding the fact that fifty percent of the mall's patrons are Spanish-speaking, but in the end Aimee got fired because she should have just noticed it on her own. Whatever. Not to defend Aimee since she's a tool anyway, but I find it utterly ridiculous that Priceline didn't provide bilingual information while marketing in Southern California.
Arrow won surfing lessons and Nicole got stung by a jellyfish. She had to miss dinner so Tim stayed behind to keep her company, then they got drunk and made out by the pool. Ew. EWWW.
This week, the Apprenti had to pretend to be beekeepers in what turned out to be a non-event. Derek got a couple of stings, boo hoo. Although I was surprised to learn that the bees could sting through those suits. What's the point? Over at Arrow, Aaron is in charge, riding high after his win last week and riding low after being yelled at in the boardroom for not participating. He asks Surya to work on marketing, who ends up using his marketing expertise to dazzle (i.e. bore) his team. At Kinetic, Aimee volunteers to project manage and then spends the rest of the episode wandering around being ineffectual. Derek and Angela are terrified of losing, and do what you always wish the Apprenti would do but never bother...take charge, take the lead and come up with their own marketing strategy that actually propels them to win the task! Of course, now they're stuck wtih Aimee for another week.
Over at Arrow, there is no strategy, no marketing, and no sales. Aaron, their PM, actually refuses to sell because he "hates sales." Oh, dear. In the Boardroom, he tries to pin the loss on Surya, basically because Surya is the newest member of the team. Aimee, who is sitting in on the Boardroom this week, is having none of that and pretty much gets Aaron to hang himself. Surya is appalled at Aaron trying to get him fired, says "That's absurd!" about fifty times and apparently won't let it go, according to the previews. Trump fires Aaron, is creepily turned on by Aimee's tough-as-nails mannerisms, and spends some time ribbing Nicole and Tim about their showmance. Gag me.
What kind of professional person gets that worked up over a chicken suit, people? Tell me.
This week on The Apprentice, our butt-kissers had to throw together a new spin on an El Pollo Loco food item, and then sell it. That's all. No big whoop. Team Arrow of the Backyard for once did not flounder, and came up with not only a tasty treat but the realization that, in fast food, in-your-face signage is everything. Team Kinetic of the Mansion finally fell apart, as we knew they would eventually. Their teammate Marisa was in charge of marketing and could only come up with two ideas - The Bravado Bowl (which sounds less like a snack and more like some sort of weird competition between two drunk people) and people in chicken suits. That's it. When both of those ideas were rejected by the team, she spent the rest of the episode fixated upon them.
Yay! Team Arrow (with new member Surya, sent over by Trump) emerged victorious and had a really neat reward - champagne on the beach, fireworks, and a private concert by Andrea Bocelli. We started to see hints of a Nicole/Tim romance, ew. Her voice makes me crazy and why such big jewelry, Nicole? Meanwhile, Team Kinetic had to move out to the yard, where they were SIMPLY APPALLED at the way Team Arrow had been living out there. I believe Muna called them "filthy animals" or something like that. Yeah, we'll see how you're doing in a week, dear.
I didn't really have an opinion about Michelle at all until she quit the show. Then she became interesting to me. Screw Trump and all his "YOU'RE A QUITTER! YOU'RE A LOSER!" crap. I enjoyed that she realized she wasn't having a good time, that she was living in a tent, and her team despised her and would do anything to get rid of her. She was definitely going to be fired last night anyway, so why not just walk? And there was the added bonus of Trump potentially firing someone else. Which, unfortunately, didn't happen. Ah well.
This week, Team Kinetic got to hang out at a spa all day, while Team Arrow had to split into two teams and create a fun Hollywood bus tour. One team was led by Aaron, who his team later described as a fantastic leader. I don't think he said a word through the entire task, except for "Laker Girls." But he gave his team the ball and let them run, I suppose. James is totally out of control. It is possible for one man to have too much energy. And too much hair gel. The other team was led by Michelle, as Trump pretty much forced her to step up and manage. I think that's the moment she started to shut down. She had trouble coming up with ideas, she couldn't commit, and her team sort of just let her hang herself.
Obviously, Aaron's team won this task, and what really pissed me off was that they didn't receive a reward. They should have been allowed to sleep or shower in the house. What a rip.
After my excellent fantasy Apprentice game performance last week, I was pummelled this episode and fell down to 7th place. Ah well. Last night, our Apprenti played Project Runway and designed swimsuits. There's really not too much you can do with swimsuits that hasn't already been done, as evidenced by Kinetic's strategy to design "beachwear kicked up a notch." Ooookay. Regardless, Arrow managed to screw up again anyway. The drama this time surrounded Carey's pink men's swimsuit, which I actually liked, but I would like it for me. Not on the geekboy. I don't know. This entire episode made me uncomfortable, from Surya in a bathing suit to the fricking Playboy mansion to Trump picking up the offending pink briefs with a pencil. So yadda yadda, Carey is fired, nobody likes Michelle (who increasingly reminds me of Jamie Pressley and I keep expecting her to scream, "Shut up, dummy"), James yells a lot, and Heidi thinks she's got this whole thing sewn up. Oh, and Derek reveals to us that he's gay as well, and cracks me up with his commentary about Carey's erect nipples and "flaming it up" on the runway.
I admit that I was feeling burned out on The Apprentice and not really looking forward to the new season. I was wrong. I love this show. I think Donald Trump is hilariously entertaining (you guys, last night he used the word "bigly") and the contestants are always such an interesting blend of crazy.
So, this season we're in Los Angeles, blah blah blah, and there are a couple new twists. Losing teams have to sleep in the backyard and get no access to amenities. Winning PMs will stay on as PMs until their team loses. Winning PMs also get to sit in the boardroom with Trump and Ivanka. The idea of the winning PMs staying on as managers is interesting. Conceivably, one person could end up being PM for weeks. Do you think that could cause resentment among others who want to get their day in the sun?
The first real task this season was simply running a car wash. The teams really had no prep time, so no advertising or whatever. It came down to signage, pricing, and hustle. It was Frank versus Heidi, and unfortunately Frank's team faltered on the signage and on the pricing. Even with those mistakes, they lost by only a few dollars, which really must have hurt. The Boardroom ended up being a battle between Frank and Martin. The brash New Yorker against the Atlanta fop. Seriously, Martin, the only person who can pull off that outfit is Andre 3000. I really enjoyed the boardroom because the loss totally should have been pinned on Frank. But it was obvious that Martin was not cut for this show and would be useless going forward. Frank is out of his mind, but he's got drive, for sure. After a LOT of screaming and yelling, Martin was fired, and Frank turned into a five-year-old boy, smiling and saying, "He said you're fired. He said you're fired," and then leaping out of his chair and running from the boardroom before Trump could say anything else. I loved it.
Your thoughts? What do you think of the other candidates?
The Apprentice 6 starts on Sunday, kids! This is a show I just can't stay away from. Trump is just so...Trumptastic. Plus this season's theme is "Haves and Have-Nots" and the losing teams are going to have to sleep in tents in the backyard. I'm so there. Join me.
EDITED TO ADD: Join the online Yahoo game! Just click the link and join the TMFT group. The Group ID is 712 and the password is yooge.